Amityville Hex (2021)

I don’t put my wife through my Amityville obsession, but she was home for my watch of Amityville Hex and it stopped when she told me that she was going to divorce me if I didn’t shut it off.

Tony Newton, who also made The Amityville Exorcist, is to blame for this. It’s less a movie than a series of people speaking directly to the camera and repeating the Amityville Hex. Then, we see what happened to them. Those people include Shawn C. Phillips (who co-wrote this and has a rambling swear word-filled rant while fondling a hammer; he also takes off his hat at one point and somehow adds decades to how old I thought he was), Pool Party Massacre director Drew Marvick, the excoriable  Lloyd Kaufman, Mike Ferguson (who was also in Amityville Uprising), Marciah Vales, Luna Meow, Mercedes, Ken May, Kyle “Moviebuff1” Rappaport, Erik Anthony Russo, Tony Newton, Rheanon Nicole, Veronica Ricci, John R. Walker, Jaclyn Passaro and Danny “Cinestalker” Filaccio.

George Stover is also in this and really deserves so much better. He steals the show but that’s kind of sad.

My biggest problem — other than the project as a whole, the unbalanced audio, the scenes of people talking that are at the level of indy wrestling promos and that this dared to use an audio clip of Lon Chaney Jr. singing the theme from Spider Baby — is that there’s a scene where a woman goes through a Paranormal Activity evening as her cute and chubby chihuahua sleeps nearby. As the owner of a cute and chubby chihuahua, this scene is unrealistic in a movie about a viral curse. Cubby, our dog, flips out at the slightest provocation. The wind may pick up speed, someone a few blocks away may open a door, a car may drive two miles from our house and he has an apoplexy. This dog just sleeps through an entire evening of the paranormal.

I’ve watched a lot of Amityville movies, but man, I don’t know when I’ve seen a worse one. The box art is pretty great and you’d think I’d learn my lesson, but the real Amityville curse is that I can’t stop watching these movies.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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