Warhol Evans (Eddie Izzard), a horror screenwriter suspected of beheading women and keeping their craniums as trophies, is being questioned by Jack Lynch (Ciarán Hinds), who is the kind of tough homicide detective that every cop wants to be.

This is one of those episodes that gets very meta, referring to a book, The Satanic Scriptures, written by Alan Katz and Gill Adler, the producers. There’s also a line where Lynch goes on IMDB and looks up the writer’s credits, asking what Tales from the Crypt is. “Ancient history,” replies Evans, “That was years ago. It’s been canceled now.”

“Okay, that’s enough. I think I see what the problem is. Your eyes are in terrible shape. Probably from watching too much Tales From the Crypt. To fix it we’ll require cohacktive lenses, maybe even radio scare-totomy. Although, there is another test I could perform. We’ll start by turning out the lights and making you look at this. It’s a nasty nugget about a writer who’s pretty fear-sighted himself. I call this one “Confession.””

Directed by Peter Hewett (The Borrowers) and written by Scott Nimerfro, this has a cop so good that — spoiler — he can kill people and get others to confess to it. Then again, Warhol isn’t exactly clean — he was acquitted for molesting a child, he has a ton of weapons in his house, and he does call home to get his girlfriend to get rid of another severed head.

This episode is based on “Confession” from Shock SuspenStories #14. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Wally Wood. The story and ending are similar, but the occult and severed heads are absent.

Directed by Thomas E. Sanders (his only directing job; he was the production designer on several films, including Crimson Peak) and written by AL Katz and Gilbert Adler, this episode has Reverend Jonathan (Anthony Andrews) learning that despite being a holy man, he has twin daughters not from his wife: the gorgeous Angelica and the not quite as good looking Leah (both played by Anna Friel). They were born in secret by his maid Emma (Emma Bird) without the knowledge of his wife Sarah (Imelda Staunton). Sarah has had it, of course, as Jonathan is anything but pious. He’s still sleeping with his young assistants and secretaries, after all.

“My ghoul thinks I’m a vampire, so she eats garlic just in case. Man, she smells! Yeah, my ghoul thinks I’m a vampire. Laughs at me when we embrace. I said, “Babe, I’m no bloodsucker.” Wiped that smile right off her face. Yeah! Thank you. Thank you very much. Now, I’d like to play for you another little rhythm and booze decomposition of mine. It’s about a man who’s about to make a gored progression of his own in a nasty five fiver hack-cercise I call “About Face.””

This has the kind of reveal that EC Comics was good at. A spoiler? Here it is. The sisters are actually conjoined. They even did covers of these accidents of birth. Siamese twins — not politically correct anymore — were big sales for EC. This time, one sister is an angel and the other is the devil. And when you abandon your twins after their mother dies giving birth to them, even the Bible may not save you.

This episode is based on “About Face!” from Vault of Horror #20. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Johnny Craig. It’s nothing like this story, as it has a scarred lion tamer using witchcraft to move the wounds on her face to the girlfriend of her chauffeur.

Barry (Daniel Craig), a young man with a strange device that can paralyze people and play with their emotions, is hired by Touchstone Edwards ad exec Jacqueline Edwards (Ute Lemper). He starts by embarrassing creative Frank (Denis Lawson) and then gets revenge on his boss for Alistair Touchstone (Paul Freeman, Belloq!), the boss she ruined.

They tell me Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. He’s a strange guy. But that’s not why I called this meeting of the five families. The Tahacklies, the Bonettis, the others. The reason I called you all together is this. As Godfather of the Goreleone family, I say its time that we in horrorganized crime stop frighting each other! I want there to be peace amongst us. I want there to be a whole lot of pieces! Which is kind of like the young man in tonight’s tale. He wants a whole lot of something, too, in a nasty nugget I call “Smoke Wrings.””

The device will soon be used to sell more Chalmer’s Chocolates, Amazon Cola, Alanis Lipstick, and Quarter Moonlight Condoms. In truth, it’s all been a plan by Alistair and Jacqueline, who hypnotize their clients and soon, all of England, as they send the inventor to his doom.

Gayle Hunnicutt is in the cast. You may recognize her from Shadows In an Empty Room, The Legend of Hell House, Eye of the Cat and The Wild Angels.

This episode was directed by Mandie Fletcher (Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie) and written by Lisa Sandoval, an associate producer and script supervisor for the show who was also A.L. Katz’s assistant.

This episode was based on “Smoke Wrings” by Vault of Horror #34. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Reed Crandall. It has a man get seduced by a client and his ad idea being taken by her; a cigarette smoking billboard that she uses to kill him before one of the smoke rings kills her. The title makes sense for that story, but not this episode.

Elliot (James Frain) has discovered how to read the memories of the dead and to test this theory, he and his girlfriend Arianne (Siobhan Flynn) break into the crypt of a serial killer by the name of Valdemar Tymrak (Roger Ashton-Griffiths), who sold his soul to the devil. Not the best memories to use.

“Greetings, hack-riculture fans. I’ll be with you in a moment. I’ve just got to finish with the Artie-chokes. Come on, Artie, die already! Now, a little water and some fear-tilizer, and before you know it, I’ll be horror-vesting my own little field of screams. You didn’t know your pal the Crypt Keeper had a green thumb, did you? Well, I do. And the rest of me is pretty damn moldy, too! Which brings to mind tonight’s tale. It’s about a scientist who’s a bit of a scare-cropper himself. I call this one “Report From the Grave.””

Directed and written by William Malone (Feardotcom, House On Haunted Hill), this has Elliot become convinced that Arianne is stealing his work, so he kills her with Tymrak’s memories. But then he learns that she was on his side all along and now her spirit is being kept prisoner on the other side of death itself. And that’s how things end, with him unable to save her without bringing back the maniac. He kills himself and Arianne spends the rest of eternity tortured by Valdemar.

In the remake of House On Haunted Hill, Valdemar Tymrak is one of the guests who were invited to the house.

This episode is based on “Report from the Grave” from Vault of Horror #15. A new undertaker must go through an initiation to join the Vault-Keeper’s Club by digging up a recently departed member. It was written by Al Feldstein and WWilliamGaines and drawn by Jack Kamen.

Daniel (Steve Coogan) comes to the rescue of Teresa (Julia Sawalha), a homeless pregnant woman with whom he soon falls in love. However, when her baby (Alexander Arcay) is born, he begins to resent the child and contemplates how to dispose of the infant. He even considers selling her to child traffickers. When the baby goes missing, he attempts to acquire another one, seemingly believing that a mother wouldn’t be able to recognize her own child.

“What? Are you blind?! That ball was on the line, pal! Oh, hello, kiddies. I was just warming up for the Wimbletomb Tennis Tournament. Normally I love a bit of stiff competition, but this guy is driving me nuts! Still, the match isn’t over yet. We’re playing beast two out of three. Which brings to mind the man in tonight’s tale. He’s about to play a little die-breaker of his own in a sickening hacks-hibition I call “Kidnapper.””

Directed by James H. Spencer (who spent most of his career as a production designer but was the 2nd unit director on Gremlins 2) and Robin Bextor from a script by John Harrison and Scott Nimerfro, this is the worst-rated episode of the show on IMDB.

Daniel steals another baby, and it ends up being Teresa’s child. His heart was in the wrong place, even if he’s dead now.

After losing their friend Cutter (John Salthouse) in a heist gone wrong, Ford (Ewan McGregor) and Cammy break up. Cammy gets a new lover named Jimmy (Colin Salmon), but Ford isn’t ready to let her go.

“Relationships aren’t about who’s right or wrong. Look, do you remember how you felt about each other when you were newlybleds? Do you want to feel the same way you felt at your marriage scare-emony? Good. Then let go of what you find eerie-tating about each other before it gross too far. Which is the kind of advice the young couple in tonight’s tale should take. They’re fiends and lovers whose relationship is clot between a rock and a horrid place. I call this one “Cold War.””

Directed by Andrew Morahan (who directed the videos for Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” and “Last Christmas,” “Careless Whisper” for George Michael, “November Rain” for Guns ‘n Roses, “West End Girls” for Pet Shop Boys, “Get That Love” by Thompson Twins, “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey and so many more videos) and Robin Bextor from a script by Scott Nimerfro, this pulls the classic EC Comics move of setting up one character as a monster only for the other characters to also be supernatural, as Jimmy is a vampire while Ford and Cammy are zombies.

This is based on “Cold War” from Tales from the Crypt #43, which was written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Jack Kamen. In that tale, a man marries into a clan of zombies.

Crooks Nick Marvin and T (James Wilby and Ronan Vibert) get an assignment from Mr. Starr (Peter Guinness), who wants them to stage a heist at his jewelry store so that he can grab a hefty insurance settlement. But T betrays Nick by shooting him in the shoulder and then Nick shoots back, getting the jewelry and running away to the Sandoval Hotel.

That’s when it gets strange.

“One small step for man, one giant – oh, hello scar-gazers. You’re just in time. My skeleton crew and I are about to blast off for a little space hackslporation. Care to join us? Good. I hope you’re made of the rot stuff ’cause we’ll be heading fright years from terror firma, boldly going where no ghoul has gaunt before. Hey pal, watch the suit or you’re launch meat! Which is kind of like the man in tonight’s tale. He’s going places too, except his deathstination is a little more earth-bound. It’s a nasty bit of scare-o-dynamics I call “Horror in the Night.””

The hotel has blood everywhere, strange people everywhere and Laura Kendall (Elizabeth McGovern), a woman who only Nick can see. She uses him to move on to the next stage of existence by, well, sending him back in time to shoot himself. As for the hotel, well, it hasn’t been open for years.

This episode was directed by Russell Mulcahy, who has experience in horror, having made Razorback and two other episodes of this series. It was written by John Harrison, who also directed Tales from the Darkside: The Movie.

Inspiration came from “Horror In the Night” from Vault of Horror #12. Written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by Harvey Kurtzman, it’s very different than this episode. In the comic story, a woman’s baby is killed by a cat and she goes to war with animals.

Directed by Peter MacDonald (The Extreme Adventures of Super Dave, Legionnaire, The NeverEnding Story III, Rambo III) and written by Gilbert Adler and AL Katz, this story finds a World War II traitor trapped in a prison camp, soon to be discovered by one of the men that he betrayed.

“Fall in! Did you hear me, maggot? I said fall in! I swear, you must be the sorriest bunch of sad sacks I ever did see. You’re a disgrace to the uniform, all of you! And you call yourself a scare force? What’s your problem soldier? You some kind of mummy’s boy?! That it? Hmm. I guess you think you’re like the man in tonight’s tale. He’s not much of a soldier either. It’s a nasty little shriek and destroy mission I call “Escape.””

Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet plays the turncoat, Lt. Luger. Commander Major Nicholson (Roy Dotrice) puts him in with the German soldier to see if he’ll show his true colors. He just may, unless he can kill the soldier who knows all about him, Krupp (Nick Reding).

As you can see, the British episodes are more suspense and less horror.

This is based on “Escape” from Vault of Horror #16. It was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein, who also drew it. That story has a man named Luger trying to switch places with a dead man to escape prison.

Directed and written by Brian Helgeland (A Knight’s Tale, 976-EVIL), this Tales from the Crypt is about Sharon Bannister (Francesca Annis, the Widow of the Web in Krull), a mystery writer, who is accused by her ex-husband Larry (Christopher Cazenove, Edward from Three Men and a Little Lady) of sleeping with next door neighbor Mrs. Trask’s (Elizabeth Spriggs) son Joey (Patrick Barlow).

“It looks like Neptomb has just moved from Virghoul to late Capricorn, which would mean you should avoid any serious romantic enstranglements for awhile, at least until the end of the month when Mercury turns retrograde. Hmm. Something about your horrorscope isn’t making sense. Let me see your hand. Yes, interesting. I’m not much at bleeding palms, but your future seems rather cloudy. Kind of like the woman in tonight’s tale. She’s been contemplating her scar sign, too, in a nasty nugget I call “A Slight Case of Murder.””

This is another episode from the final British season, so many fans don’t enjoy these ones as much. Unlike the supernatural stories, this is a simple murder mystery.

It’s based on “A Slight Case of Murder!” from Vault of Horror #33, which was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by George Evans. That story is insane, as it has a child inside the body of a cop being responsible for murders. You can read it inside the collection A Slight Case Of Murder and Other Stories.

Wow! This episode is directed by Freddie Francis, who knows something about horror! He also directed Trog, The Psychopath, Legend of the Werewolf and most importantly, the original Tales from the Crypt. This episode was written by Scott Nimerfro.

“Greetings infesters! I’ll be with you in a moment. I was just putting these gross profits away for safekeeping. You see, boils and ghouls, at Crypt Keeper Financial, we can help you get morgue for your money. Whether it’s mutual fiends you want or cold, horrid cash, we can guarantee you’ll coroner the market. Hmm. I bet you’d be the type who’s interested in boo chips, like tonight’s tale. It’s about three girls who are chopping around for a tax fright-off of their own in a nasty shock option I call “Last Respects.”:

Yvonne, Dolores, and Marlys Finger (Emma Samms, Kerry Fox and Julie Cox) are three sisters who work at the House of Curios and hate one another, although only Marlys is the owner. Then they find a monkey’s paw — the actual one the story was based on — and it does what the paw always does. People die and no one can outsmart the thing. Only one of the sisters can get the shop and all the money that somehow it suddenly starts making.

The original owners of the paw, Mr. and Mrs. Wilder, are played by Michael Denison and Dulcie Gray in their last roles. Married for nearly sixty years, they always appeared together. Dulcie was also a short story writer with several of her stories showing up in the Pan Book of Horror Stories. 

This story was based on “Last Respects!” from Tales from the Crypt #23. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Graham Ingels. That story is very different, as a man gets locked inside a mausoleum and survives nearly a month by catching leaking rain water and eating a dead body, but dies because of formaldehyde poisoning.