“I’m a rolling thunder, fire and rain
I’m coming on like a hurricane
My lightning’s flashing across the sky
You’re only young, but you’re gonna die”

Directed, hosted and produced by Eric Holmberg, founder of Reel to Real Ministries and The Apologetics Group, Hell’s Bells is the Satanic Panic encapsulated. There are leaps of logic, scare tactics and clips of bands that are so great that I can only assume that kids like me were taking notes. After all, when I was in sixth grade, my elementary school teacher gave me a ditto copied series of bands to warn my friends about. Black Sabbath, just by its description, got me so excited that I never looked back and I am a cautionary tale, a man obsessed with old Mercyful Fate albums and Jess Franco sleaze.

Kids, don’t be me.

How else can we explain a movie that puts as much info into your brain about Diamanda Galas as Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Prince?

I grew up dead center of this time. I was called into a Peer Group, as they called it, because I wore black shirts, read Fangoria in class, had long hair and could speak at length about the Lost Books of the Bible and teh Church of Satan. Anytime a pentagram showed up on a wall, a cadre of devil worshippers were waiting to eat babies and obviously, I had infant stuck between my teeth. Time has made my experiences kinder; I am no longer an Eddie Munson kid without the benefit of cheerleaders wanting to get with me for drugs, not that I ever was. I still listen to bands that’ll curl your hair and send your soul to a lake of fire, but at least now I would hope I appear somewhat respectable.

But man, this release is all inclusive. Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Whitesnake, The Frogs — the fucking Frogs, the Milwaukee brother band that wears bat wings on stage and sings lyrics like “Who’s sucking on grandpa’s balls since grandma ain’t home tonight?” — and so many more to the point that when it got to ELO, I screamed at the TV, “He’s the nasty one– Christ, you’re infernal! is backmasked on their song “Eldorado!”” because I knew the script so well. It had been jammed down my gullet for years.

“For Whom Hell’s Bells Toll” ran twenty years ago in Pitchfork and I am delighted that writer Stephen M. Deusner took the time to list the hundreds of bands called out in this movie:

Here is the list of artists and the associated concerns formatted into a bulleted list:

• A-II-Z: Occult-themed album art (Witch of Berkeley); this one is pretty rare, to be honest.
• AC/DC: Soundtracked Hell’s Bells, inspired “Night Stalker” serial killer, pentagrams on album art (Highway to Hell), violent cover art (If You Want Blood You Got It).
• Aerosmith: Drug and alcohol abuse, equating sex and religion on “Angel.”
• Agnostic Front: Violent and rebellion-themed album art (Cause for Alarm).
• Amen: Objectionable album art (Disorderly Conduct.
• Kenneth Anger: Satanist filmmaker who made Invocation of My Demon Brother and Lucifer Rising
• Anthrax: Violent album art (Fistful of Metal),
• Anvil: Number of the beast (Metal to Metal),
• Aphrodite’s Child/Vangelis: Released album called 666. Vangelis!
• Bad Religion: Objectionable band name, objectionable album art (Back to the Known).
• Ballad Shambles: Objectionable album art (unknown source).
• Bananarama: “Venus” video equates sex with religion.
• Bangles: “Degraded” sexuality in song “In Your Room” (“I’ll do anything you want me to”).
• Bauhaus: Backwards Latin Satanic incantation in “Father, Son & Holy Ghost,” combine Satanic imagery “with an intelligence and poetic passion rarely found” in heavy metal.
• Be Bop Deluxe: Pentagram on album cover (Live! In the Air Age).
• Beastie Boys: More than 90 references to drug and alcohol abuse on Licensed to Ill. I am certain in future episodes this will get into their Dalai Lama connections.
• Bobby Beausoleil: Composed music for Lucifer Rising, Manson family member.
• Beatles: Being bigger than Jesus, featuring Crowley on album cover (Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band), violent album art (Yesterday and Today), drugs, rebellion, El Cronado.
• Birthday Party: Likened Jesus to “bad seed,” indecipherable lyrics about “post-crucifixion baby.”
• Bitch: Sexual and violent album art (Be My Slave).
• Black Flag: Violent and suicide-themed album art (Family Man).
• Black Market Baby: Objectionable band name and album art (Senseless Offerings).
• Black Sabbath: Number of the beast, crucifixion imagery, objectionable album art (Born Again, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath). I mean, this is one of the biggest ones, so this should be longer than it is.
• Blaspheme: Objectionable band name and album art (Last Supper).
• Bl’ast!: Sex- and occult-themed album art (Take the Manic Ride).
• Bloodrock: Violent album art (Bloodrock U.S.A.).
• Blue Öyster Cult: Adopted Satanic cross as band logo, included backmasked messages (Mirrors). Is it weird that I know more than this movie, like how on the inside cover of Secret Treaties, Eric Bloom is dressed like a member of the Process Church?
• Marc Bolan: Untimely death.
• Bon Jovi: Hosting MTV’s Hedonism Week, references to alcohol on “Dead or Alive,” rebellion, sexual album art (original Slippery When Wet cover).
• Graham Bond: Claimed to be illegitimate son of occultist Aleister Crowley.
• David Bowie: Occult, recorded “Quicksand” about Crowley. Come on, tell us about hiding from witches and putting urine in a refrigerator while out of his mind on coke!
• Bobby Brown: Simulated copulation with audience member.
• David Byrne and Brian Eno: Recorded song about demonic possession, uses African “voodoo” rhythms.
• Marty Callner (video director): Soft-porn videos (“Is This Love?” by Whitesnake). Come on — he directed the Camelot TV movie!
• Cars: Ric Ocasek walking on water in “Magic” video.
• Celtic Frost: Use crucifix as slingshot on album cover (To Mega Therion), occult, rebellion. I’ll give them this one.
• CH3: Suicide-themed album art (Fear of Life).
• Chauteaux: Witchcraft-themed album art (Chained and Desperate).
• Cheap Trick: Took band name from Ouija board, backmasked messages, El Cronado.
• Cher: Sex. Not. turning back time?
• Christian Death: Gnosticism, sex- and occult-themed album art (Only Theatre of Pain, The Scriptures, Sex and Drugs and Jesus Christ, What’s the Verdict).
• Christ’s Child: Objectionable album cover (Hard).
• The Church: Objectionable band name, broken angel imagery on album cover (The Church).
• Cinderella: Condemned drug use on MTV Rock Against Drugs PSAs (hypocritical).
• CJSS: Recorded song “Citizen of Hell,” objectionable album art (Praise the Loud).
• Eric Clapton: Promoted alcohol abuse via beer ad.
• Coil: Devotees of Aleister Crowley.
• Natalie Cole: Sex.
• Phil Collins: “So-called neutral stuff, by the very reason of its subtlety, [is] potentially more destructive than the over wickedness found in hardcore rock and roll.”
• Alice Cooper: On-stage mutilation, rebellion, “School’s Out” prevents mice from solving mazes, objectionable album art (Constrictor). Also a right wing Christian, but who is checking that out?
• Coven: Objectionable album art (Blessed Is the Black, Blood in the Snow), El Cronado. I mean, there’s not a more Satanic band out there; they had an entire black mass on an album.
• Cramps: “Degraded” sexuality (Date With Elvis).
• Crass: Crucifixion-themed album art (Christ the Album, Yes Sir I Will).
• David Crosby: Stealing kids from parents through music.
• Crown of Thorns: Objectionable band name and album art (Pictures).
• Cuban Heels: Universalism (Work Our Way to Heaven).
• Cure: Alcohol abuse, blasphemy in “The Blood” and “Holy Hour,” combine Satanic imagery “with an intelligence and poetic passion rarely found” in heavy metal.
• Current 93: Objectionable album art (Nature Unveiled), devoted album Crowleymass to Aleister Crowley.
• Damned: Crown of thorns imagery (Grimly Fiendish)
• Dan Reed Network: Voodoo-inspired R&B
• Terence Trent D’Arby: Crown of thorns and self-crucifixion (photoshoot)
• Dark Angel: Objectionable band name and album art (Darkness Descends)
• Dark Wizard: Objectionable album art (Reign of Evil)
• Dead Kennedys: Objectionable album art (In God We Trust, Inc.)
• Death: Objectionable album art (Scream Bloody Gore)
• Death Cult: Objectionable album art (Death Cult)
• Chris de Burgh: Album art with Satan giving El Cronado (Spanish Train)
• Def Leppard: Occult imagery, sex-themed songs
• Depeche Mode: Songs about sex and sadomasochism, recorded “Blasphemous Rumors”
• Devo: Objectionable album art (“Peekaboo” 12″)
• Dickies: Mock Jesus on album art (Second Coming)
• Bo Diddley: Rebellion
• Dio: Occult-themed songs and stage shows, El Cronado, objectionable album art (Holy Diver)
• Doors: Rebellion, drugs, sex, violence, murder, occult; Morrison married a witch, claimed to have killed a man, allegedly possessed by Native American souls, objectionable album art (13)
• Duran Duran: Satanic symbol on album art (Seven and the Ragged Tiger)
• Earth Wind & Fire: Universalist imagery on album art (All in All)
• Easter: Album cover features fornication with cross (Easter)
• Sheena Easton: Contributes to “the pulsing rhythms that reverberate in our health spas”
• Eddie & the Hot Rods: Suicide-themed album art (Life on the Line)
• Electric Light Orchestra: Backmasked messages on “Eldorado”
• Emerson Lake & Palmer: Objectionable album art (Brain Salad Surgery)
• Eurythmics: “Missionary Man” warns listeners away from salvation
• Exodus: Album art shows union of God and Satan
• Marianne Faithfull: Appeared in satanic movie Lucifer Rising
• The F.U.’s: Objectionable album title (Kill for Christ)
• Femme Fatale: Sex
• Fleetwood Mac: Incorporated voodoo dress and rhythms in live shows
• Tom Fogerty: Universalism (Myopia)
• Lita Ford: Sex
• Samantha Fox: Sex, allegedly worships Pan
• Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Rebellion, songs about sex and sadomasochism, objectionable album art (Welcome to the Pleasure Dome), ruined Live Aid, El Cronado. Fuck yeah.
• Frogs: “Militant homosexuality,” objectionable album art (It’s Only Right and Natural), recorded song called “Gather Round for Messiah #2.” I love that The Frogs get called out in this.
• Peter Gabriel: Voodoo imagery in “Shock the Monkey” video.
• Diamanda Galas: Recorded album Litanies of Satan, proclaimed herself the Anti-Christ (“Sono l’Antichristo”), provided music for voodoo-themed movie The Serpent & the Rainbow, objectionable album art (Divine Punishment). Who knew who she was outside of weirdos like me?
• Bob Geldof: Introduced Frankie Goes to Hollywood at Live Aid, allowed most of the funds raised to fall into the hands of Ethiopia’s communist dictator.
• Generation X: Objectionable album art (Valley of the Dolls).
• George Thorogood and the Destroyers: Recorded song “Bad to the Bone.” Really?
• Graceland: Satirized The Last Supper on album The First Snack.
• Graham Central Station: Objectionable album art (Release Yourself).
• Grateful Dead: “Synonymous with marijuana and LSD use.” Also not really dead.
• Greater Than One: Objectionable album art (I Don’t Need God).
• Grim Reaper: Recorded song “See You in Hell,” objectionable album art (See You in Hell).
• Guns N’ Roses: “Sexual violence” in music, album art; inverted cross (Appetite for Destruction).
• Nina Hagen: Objectionable album NunSexMonkRock contains song “Cosma Shiva” that mocks Christ and the Madonna.
• Daryl Hall: Has large collection of occult material.
• George Harrison: Universalism.
• Healing Faith: Promote suicide (The Healing Faith).
• Heart: Video includes occult imagery.
• Hellion: Objectionable album art (Postcards from the Asylum).
• Helloween: Objectionable album art (Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part 2).
• Jimi Hendrix: Hypnotizing people through music, choking on own vomit, voodoo rhythms, rebellion, violence, “If 6 Was 9” used in interstitials.
• Nona Hendryx: Sex.
• Whitney Houston: “Saving All My Love for You” promotes infidelity; “so-called neutral stuff, by the very reason of its subtlety, is potentially more destructive than the over wickedness found in hardcore rock and roll.”
• Huey Lewis & the News: “Step by Step” warns listeners away from salvation.
• Huns: Fake crucifixion on stage, song called “Eat Death, Scum.”
• Billy Idol: Rebellion, fake crucifixion in “Hot in the City” video, mock crosses in “White Wedding” video.
• Impaler: Objectionable album art (Rise of the Mutants EP), eating raw meat on stage.
• INXS: Recorded song “Devil Inside.”
• Iron Maiden: Mascot Eddie told fan to kill himself; neuromancy, occult, rebellion, objectionable album art (Killers, The Number of the Beast, Seventh Son of a Seventh Son).
• LaToya Jackson: Posed for Playboy.
• Michael Jackson: Sex, “Thriller” video features occult imagery.
• Colin James: Recorded voodoo-related song.
• Rick James: El Cronado.
• Jane’s Addiction: Drug abuse, objectionable album art (Nothing’s Shocking).
• Jefferson Airplane: Recorded song called “The Son of Jesus,” rebellion.
• Elton John: Commissioned family crest featuring Pan.
• Robert Johnson: Sold soul to devil at crossroads, inspired rock and roll.
• Judas Priest: Suicide, rebellion, objectionable album art (Hell Bent for Leather, Sin After Sin).
• Killing Joke: Mock Catholicism in video.
• Sam Kinison: Soft-porn videos, pentagrams, not being funny.
• KISS: Bloody stage show, sex, rebellion, violence, El Cronado.
• Kreator: Objectionable album art (Pleasure to Kill).
• Cyndi Lauper: Promotes rebellion, recorded “She-Bop” about masturbation.
• Timothy Leary: “Pharmacological guru of the rock ‘n’ roll generation.”
• Led Zeppelin: Backmasked messages and references to Pan on “Stairway to Heaven,” Zoso = number of the beast.
• John Lennon: Openly mocked Jesus.
• Kenny Loggins: Objectionable album art (Keep the Fire).
• Lords of the New Church: Combine “heavy metal imagery with poetic passion,” objectionable band name and album art (The Lords of the New Church, Killer Lords).
• Ludichrist: Objectionable band name and album art (Immaculate Deception).
• Lydia Lunch: Objectionable album art (Slow Choke). Gave handjob to Henry Rollins in a Richard Kern movie. I added that one.
• Madonna: “Ex-porn star,” crucifixion imagery in “Like a Prayer” video, “brazenly pornographic style,” materialistic. Ex-porn star is a reach.
• Richard Marx: Sex, sang on “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie, did Hazard concept album, are you paying attention?
• Ron “Pigpen” McKernan: Untimely death.
• John McLaughlin: Admits to being possessed while playing, occult.
• MDC (Millions of Dead Cops/Damn Christians): Song “This Blood’s for You” mocks Jesus and inspired thousands of Christian t-shirts, objectionable album art (This Blood’s for You).
• Meat Loaf: El Cronado.
• Megadeth: Occult, rebellion, objectionable album art (Killing Is My Business…And Business Is Good).
• Men in Black: Objectionable album art (The Gospel According to the Men in Black)
• Mercyful Fate: “Take their Satanism seriously,” rebellion, occult, objectionable album art (Don’t Break the Oath). Again, this one is a given.
• Metal Church: Objectionable album art (Metal Church).
• Metallica: Promote suicide on “Fade to Black.”
• George Michael: Wants your sex; “so-called neutral stuff, by the very reason of its subtlety, is potentially more destructive than the over wickedness found in hardcore rock and roll.”
• Joni Mitchell: Has male muse named Art.
• Mötley Crüe: Equate sex and violence, used pentagram in album art (Shout at the Devil), El Cronado.
• Motörhead: Crucifixion-themed album art (unknown source).
• My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult: Marry Satanic message with “a sense of religious and poetic transcendence,” objectionable album art (I See Good Spirits & I See Bad Spirits). Also: They claim that they’re British when they’re from Chicago.
• Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: Combine Satanic imagery “with an intelligence and poetic passion rarely found” in heavy metal.
• Nosferatu: Objectionable album art (unknown source).
• Oingo Boingo: Unclear.
• Overkill: Objectionable album art and video (Under the Influence).
• Ozzy Osbourne: Rebellion, attacking Jim Bakker in “Miracle Man,” satanic imagery on album art (Blizzard of Ozz, No Rest for the Wicked), promote suicide on “Suicide Solution,” released album Mr. Crowley devoted to Aleister Crowley, El Cronado, scary face.
• Jimmy Page: “One of the leading occultists of the rock generation,” owns occult bookstore, bought Aleister Crowley’s former home and had it refurbished by a Satanic decorator.
• Anita Pallenberg: Girlfriend of several members of the Rolling Stones, also involved in the making of Kenneth Anger’s Lucifer Rising.
• Robert Palmer: Sexual content in music videos, wrote about Master Musicians of Joujouka.
• Pebbles: Sex.
• Pink Floyd: Rebellion.
• Robert Plant: Sex.
• Plasmatics/Wendy O. Williams: Backmasked message about brainwashing, satanic symbols on album art (Coup d’Etat, Metal Priestess).
• Poison: Violence, sex, objectionable album art (Open Up and Say…Ahh!).
• Poison Idea: Mutilation-themed album art (Kings of Punk).
• The Police: “Every Breath You Take” used in interstitial title screen.
• Iggy Pop/The Stooges: Bloodletting at concert.
• Possessed: General Satanism and witchcraft. Seven Churches is a great album.
• Elvis Presley: Sexuality.
• Pretty Poison: Voodoo imagery in video.
• Pretty Things: Objectionable album art (Silk Torpedo), signed to Led Zeppelin’s White Swan label, which threw blasphemous record release party.
• Prince: Sex, falsely promotes himself as new breed of Christian, recorded songs “The Cross” and “Batdance.” Wow. 
• Psychic TV: Music arm of Crowley-linked sect Thee Temple of Psychick Youth, objectionable album art (Live at Thee Circus).
• Queen: Backmasking, drug abuse.
• Rainbow: Violent album art (Straight Between the Eyes).
• Ratt: Rebellion.
• Raven: Recorded song “Hell Patrol.”
• Lou Reed: Drug abuse.
• Residents: Objectionable album art (God in 3 Persons).
• RF-7: Objectionable album art (unknown source).
• Lionel Richie: “So-called neutral stuff, by the very reason of its subtlety, [is] potentially more destructive than the over wickedness found in hardcore rock and roll.”
• Rigor Mortis: Recorded song “Condemned to Hell,” objectionable album art (Rigor Mortis).
• Rods: Violent album art (Let Them Eat Metal).
• Rolling Stones: Recorded song “Sympathy for the Devil” on At Her Satanic Majesty’s Request, objectionable album art (Goats Head Soup, Undercover, Tattoo You), bankrolled sect called the Process, made Satanic movie Invocation of My Demon Brother.
• David Lee Roth: Sex.
• Peter Rowan: Likens music to “spiritual force.”
• Todd Rundgren: El Cronado.
• Rush: Invoked Greek equivalent of Pan on 2112, backmasking.
• Santana: Universalist.
• Scorpions: Sex, cage imagery in “Rock You Like a Hurricane” video, objectionable album art (Blackout, Love at First Sting).
• Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel: Objectionable band name and album art, lyrics include “The only good Christian is a dead Christian.”
• Sex Pistols: Rebellion, self-mutilation, Rotten designed t-shirt with upside-down crucifixion.
• Siouxsie and the Banshees: Recorded song “Sin in My Heart.”
• Sister: Pentagrams.
• Sisters of Mercy: Combine Satanic imagery “with an intelligence and poetic passion rarely found” in heavy metal.
• Skulls: Crucifixion imagery (unknown source).
• Slayer: Used pentagram on album art (Reign in Blood).
• Smashed Gladys: Sex and necromancy on album art (Social Intercourse).
• Patti Smith: Rebellion, recorded Joujouka-inspired album Radio Ethiopia.
• Smiths: Combine Satanic imagery “with an intelligence and poetic passion rarely found” in heavy metal.
• Sonic Youth: Obsessed with death (“Death Valley ’69”).
• Spooky Tooth: Album cover depicts Jesus with hand nailed to head (Ceremony).
• Bruce Springsteen: Makes money in rock industry.
• Stiff Kittens: Crowley on album cover (Happy Now).
• Suicidal Tendencies: Pentagrams.
• Suicide: Promote suicide
• Teenage Jesus and the Jerks: Objectionable band name, recorded “I Am the Lord Jesus” backwards.
• The The: Unclear (“Gravitate to Me” may promote drug use).
• Tone Loc: Sex.
• Pete Townshend: Objectionable album art.
• Tina Turner: Participated in Live Aid, where Mick Jagger ripped off her skirt.
• Twisted Sister: Rebellion, violent album art (Stay Hungry)
• Uncle Bonsai: Sex-themed album (Boys Want Sex in the Morning).
• Undisputed Truth: Crucifixion imagery on album cover (unknown source).
• Urge Overkill: Objectionable album art (Jesus Urge Superstar).
• Uriah Heep: Objectionable album art (Abominog).
• U2: Make money through rock industry.
• Van Halen: Sex, song “Best of Both Worlds” about finding heaven on earth.
• Venom: Album title Welcome to Hell, pentagram and goat imagery, how long do you have?
• Virus: Objectionable album art (unknown source).
• Void: Inverted cross on album art (Condensed Flesh).
• Wall of Voodoo: So influenced by voodoo they took it as their name.
• Warlock: Objectionable album art (Triumph and Agony), recorded song “All We Are” about earthly redemption.
• W.A.S.P./Blackie Lawless: Rebellion, sex-themed and violent album art (Animal (F**k Like a Beast), Inside the Electric Circus).
• Wasted Youth: Crucifixion-themed album art (Black Daze).
• Jody Watley: Sex.
• Wayne County & the Electric Chairs: Recorded song “Storm the Gates of Heaven.”
• Whitesnake: Sex in “Is This Love?” video, objectionable album art (Lovehunter).
• The Who: Violent stage act, incited riot at Cincinnati show that resulted in 11 deaths.
• Toyah Willcox: Songs about occult, El Cronado.
• Steve Winwood: Recorded “Higher Love,” “so-called neutral stuff, by the very reason of its subtlety, [is] potentially more destructive than the over wickedness found in hardcore rock and roll.”
• XTC: Recorded “Dear God.”
• Young Gods: Mutilation-themed album art (The Young Gods).
• Zodiac Mindwarp: “Prime Mover” video promotes rebellion, destroys church.
• ZZ Top: Sex.

You can watch this on YouTube.