I have no idea what I just watched. I do not know what this movie is about despite having watched its London premiere with about 20 other people at The Nickel Cinema in Clerkenwell.

Scarlet Warning 666 is the concept of “random” fully realized on celluloid. Specifically, random in the service of ego. The ego of one Palmer Rockey. The man who performed 7 roles on screen and 47 behind the camera. He also composed and sung all the songs on the soundtrack. One song made me laugh so hard I cried.

In preparation for an art history side-by-side slide exam on Edo period paintings, my professor once said, “If you can’t remember the facts about any of the images, just write about what you see.” This is the only way to write about this film.  I will list what I saw and heard. From here on. I will refer to Palmer Rockey as PR.

Here goes nothing:

• Several parking lots (one shot lasts only a few frames)
• PR in a parking lot playing finger guns
• Ladies in bikinis
• PR running through a cemetery to his own funk song
• PR running through a corridor to his own disco song
• PR shadow boxing and pretending to jump rope to his own funk song
• PR having a long chat with his St. Bernard puppy, Bernie
• PR making out with a lady in a bikini to his own love song
• PR making out and tenderly dry humping a different lady in a tight red shirt
• PR in a yellow shirt with a black stripe down the front
• PR with a yellow shirt with a black striped collar
• PR in a red shirt with a white star on the collar and cowboy hat
• PR shirtless with upsetting shorts (three times)
• PR dancing to his own disco song
• PR woofing down green grapes with a copy of his album prominently on display
• PR dressed as a hooded scarlet guard
• PR posing for the camera
• PR rolling around with a fat guy
• Fake blood on a baby doll
• A native America shaker thingy
• A hand with a flashlight waving the light around onto a plastic skull
• PR with fake blood on naked, fish belly white back
• More smash cuts than I could count
• PR in the “supernatural room” doing some sort of ritual while bikini ladies dance in a circle to bad foley and PR’s songs
• An actor (Not PR) in a purple outfit with a white belt hanging out behind a bush in a park for DAYS
• A bunch of feathers dyed and clumped together
• A black and white sequence in a locker room about PR and his buddy in med school
• A woman whose twin sister has died dancing around a white coffin.
• 4 shots of the pavement where the camera man dropped the camera
• A weird narration (sometimes in falsetto) by PR trying to explain to the audience what the movie is about and why he made certain “genius” and “anti-establishment” aesthetic decisions.
• An actor (Not PR) reading from his script – twice
• PR dousing his pits with lime juice from a plastic lime
• More PR running

Basically, the movie is all Palmer Rockey all the time.

The End.

Thank you, Grindhouse Releasing.

See it.