I am a very simple man and Champions — AKA Karate Tiger: The Champions* — is the movie I am looking for. Yes, it’s every underground fighting movie ever — but it has Nikos from the My Big Fat Greek Wedding movies (Louis Mandylor) as William Rockman, the one-time Terminal Combat champion of the world, who quit the sport — it’s UFC — when he killed someone in training. Yes, it’s every underground fight movie you’ve ever rented, but somehow dialed up beyond what it should be.

After Terminal Combat has been outlawed, Max Brito (Danny Trejo, having the best time ever) gathers the champions, like The King (Ken Shamrock) and either takes their wives or kills their brothers, like Rockman’s sibling Ray (Jeff Wolfe), which brings everyone into a tournament to the death that has some wild characters in it, like a Japanese master (Rich Rabago) who doesn’t want to fight a female competitor and then kills her to the silence of everyone watching. Awkward.

There’s a microchip in the head of The King, which Max Brito uses to make him kill! A microchip in the World’s Most Dangerous Man’s head! That’s the only way I can believe that anyone in this can beat him.

Then, this movie doubles down with roles for George “Buck” Flower, Lee Reherman (Hawk from American Gladiators who plays the Jesus-living fighter Steele Manheim), Bobbie Blackford (Sgt. Kimberly Pepatone, who is here to bust the fight ring like Stryker from the Mortal Kombat games), Larry B. Scott (from Revenge of the Nerds), Harrison Young (Senator Able, who has his own prison fighter, Vedder, who is played Cristos, who was in Desperado), Lelagi Togisala (who is Jackal, a trickster who –s poiler — gets stabbed by Vedder), Fabian Carrillo (the Latin Dragon), David Rowe (Mage) and HOLY SHIT Kool Keith playing himself? Dr. Octagon, Dr. Dooom, Black Elvis, Reverand Tom, Mr. Nogatco, Poppa Large, Keith Korg, Rhythm X, Mr. Gerbik, Big Willie Smith, Tashan Dorrsett, Dr. Ultra Crazy…Kool Keith is in this underground MMA movie!?!

Directed by Peter Gathings Bunche and written by George Francisco, Peter McAlevey and Thomas S. McNamara, this is the kind of movie that gives Ken Shamrock a bazooka and has him blow people up real good. If that doesn’t make you feel something good, you’re lost.

You can watch this on Tubi.

* I have to straight up quote Matty from The Schlock Pit — and bow before his knoweldge — who has blown my mind with this: “Champions was released in Germany as the penultimate film in the Karate Tiger franchise: an eleven-strong series of generally unrelated biff-‘em-ups that, a la Italy’s sprawling La Casa horror saga, were retitled and slapped together for marketing purposes. To wit: Karate Tiger = No Retreat, No Surrender (1985); Karate Tiger II = No Retreat, No Surrender II (1987); Der Kickboxer: Karate Tiger 3 = Kickboxer; Karate Tiger IV = Best of the Best (1989); Karate Tiger 5 = The King of the Kickboxers (1990); Karate Tiger 6 = Kickboxer 3: The Art of War(1992); Karate Tiger 7 = To Be the Best (1993); Karate Tiger 8 = Fists of Iron (1995); Karate Tiger 9 = Superfights (1997); Karate Tiger: The Champions = Champions; and American Karate Tiger = Showdown (1993). To further confuse matters, The King of the Kickboxers is also known as Karate Tiger 4 in Hungary; Best of the Best II (1993) is known as the ridiculous sounding Karate Tiger 6: Best of the Best 2 in the Czech Republic and, sometimes, Germany; and Fighting Spirit (1992) is known as Karate Tiger 6 in several European countries.”