28. THE BIG TAKEOVER: An A.I.’er that goes haywire.

Cyborg 2 is everything I wanted Cyborg to live up to.

Directed by Michael Schroeder, who wrote it with Mark Geldman and Ron Yanover, this is way better than I could even imagine. It’s like it was made for me: a movie with Casella “Cash” Reese (Angelina Jolie) on the run with her combat trainer Colton “Colt 45” Ricks (Elias Koteas), guided by the voice of a mysterious escaped cyborg named Mercy (Jack Palance, who also does the intro to this movie and it made me literally throw myself off the couch and scream out loud).

She’s been filled with Glass Shadow, an explosive that is meant to destroy the filled with the Kobayashi board of directors and increase the power of Pinwheel and their CEO, Martin Dunn (Allen Garfield). That’s a lot of power as they’re seemingly the two most important cybernetics companies in the universe of Cyborg 2.

Casella and Colton are being tracked by Chen (Karen Sheperd), a bounty hunter who wants to reverse her orders and have her kill the Pinwheel board, and Danny Bench (Billy Drago), a killer who has spent years fixing his face after a job gone bad years ago. He’s also a dandy 40s detective looking cyborg who challenges people to kickboxing matches. Man, Billy Drago is the best.

Mercy finally appears after years of being just an urban legend and activates his own Glass Shadow bomb and wipes out Pinwheel. Our heroes are able to escape and Colton grows into old age along with his immortal cyborg lover, who finally shuts herself down and lives in a dream state forever instead of living without him.

Of course Tracy Walter is in this. So does Sven-Ole Thorsen. If this was made a few years later, the soundtrack would certainly have God Lives Underwater on it. Or Sister Machine Gun.

Jolie told the New York Times, “After I saw it, I went home and got sick. I saw it and I threw up. Just nausea. But the kickboxing was fun. It was the first time I was sent to do kickboxing. But I was 17 and I think I thought I was making a real movie, which is odd, since there’s a scene when I’m decapitated and talking … as one does. But, yeah, I saw it and got really sick. I just remember my brother Jamie holding me and saying, It’s going to be all right.”

I have no idea what she’s talking about. I loved every second of this.

There’s also a sequel with Khrystyne Haje taking over the role of Cash, Malcolm McDowell as the bad guy and appearances by Richard Lynch, William Katt and Rebecca Ferratti. Sure, it ruins the perfect ending of this, but you know how much I love a sequel.