I swear, I do watch movies that were made in the last twenty years or so. Actually, I just watched a whole bunch of them and figured that I should just get all my thoughts out at once.

Here we go:

Cobweb (2023): If Cobweb was 20 minutes long and was mostly about the opening, where Peter (Woody Norman) is afraid of his strange parents — Carol (Lizzy Caplan) and Mark (Antony Starr) — and then hears a voice that claims to be his sister (Debra Wilson from Mad TV) in the walls, it’d be great. But the problem with so much modern horror is that when it has to figure out what the reveal is and get to the end, it often has trouble sticking the landing.

That said, I enjoyed a lot of this, including Cleopatra Coleman as the concerned substitute teacher and the production design of the house itself. The ending is pretty solid as well, embracing darkness that I didn’t think that I’d see in a Hollywood movie, finishing on a very open and quite frightening concept for its survivor.

This was directed by Samuel Bodin and written by Chris Thomas Devlin. It’s a big leap from Devlin’s abysmal Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so that’s positive! I liked all the bully parts, as it built well, until the bullies became Purge-masked and then it turned into just another home invasion movie. Also: cinnamon is now triggering for me after that final dinner, so well done all.

Talk to Me (2022): I had someone literally barrage me in text form about this movie, telling me how it’s the most perfect film, how it has kept them up late at night and that they can’t shake it. I feel badly because I hate that I knew that I’d instantly judge this movie as a result and that I didn’t see the version of this movie that they did.

What I did see was fine — and let me make fun of myself, if it were shot on video in 1983 or was made by an Italian special effects artist in 1985 then distributed by Filmirage, I would have probably loved it a lot more, such is my madness — but at no moment did I lose a moment’s rest. That said, it does have some wild eye-related destruction and no small amount of gore. But it owes so much of itself to a computer-guided camera move that will seem as quaint as morphing in a few years. Directed by Danny and Michael Philippou (Danny also wrote the script with Daley Pearson and Bill Hinzman and no, that isn’t the maker of Flesheater no matter how much I want it to be), it revolves around a severed hand that allows people to see visions. The kids think it’s like drugs; as you can imagine, none of them have watched as many possession and occult movies as you or I, so they open the door to something horrible, as you do.

Mia (Sophie Wilde) is struggling with the death of her mother after an overdose and her father Max doesn’t help because he’s never been there and he’s since grown more distant. One night, she and her friend Jade (Alexandra Jensen) and Jade’s little brother Riley (Joe Bird) sneak out to a party hosted by Hayley (Zoe Terakes) and Joss (Chris Alosio). There, Mia holds the hand — ninety seconds only is the rule — and is shocked by the way that it makes her feel. Yeah, it’s like drugs. And you want more once you taste it.

The next night, they are joined by even more people and Jade refuses to allow the younger James and her brother Riley to try the hand. Mia, however, lets them use it when Jade leaves and Riley is possessed by Mia’s mother, trying to apologize to her. She disregards the time limit, which causes Riley to become overtaken and repeatedly slams his face into everything around himself, becoming so suicidal that he becomes a burden on his family, only able to survive in a coma.

Mia has taken the hand and keeps using it, discovering that Riley is in limbo being tortured, but she still needs to talk to her mother, even if the spirits begin to destroy her grasp on reality. Twist ending to wrap it all up and there you go.

Samantha Jennings, one of the co-founders of production company Causeway Films, produced this. She also was behind The Babadook, another movie that people tell me that I’d love. They were worse than right. Oh baby, they were wrong (sorry, I tried the hand and got possessed by the demonic form of Robert Evans).

There’s also a sequel — Talk 2 Me — and a prequel that is all on social media and screens coming out. Like all modern horror, this feels like a way of dealing with grief and that’s fine. I’m sure for some this really worked and like I said, I wish I could enjoy it without realizing everything several beats ahead. But hey, more movies like this and maybe I’ll finally see something like Hereditary as a good film.

The Boogeyman (2023): Based on a story of U of M grad Steve King, this was directed by Rob Savage, who made one of the worst movies I’ve seen in perhaps ever, Dashcam. He’s redeemed himself here, perhaps because it’s not a found footage or screenlife movie, two things I wish that I never had to watch again. The team of Scott Beck and Bryan Woods (A Quiet Place, Haunt) wrote it with Mark Heyman and hey — it works. For the first part, as usual. The set-up — a disturbed man named Lester Billings (David Dastmalchian) kills himself in the office of grieving therapist Will Harper (Chris Messina), who is just dealing with the death of his wife and raising daughters Sadie (Sophie Thatcher) and Sawyer ( Vivien Lyra Blair) — is really well crafted and the scares that move along the way are good.

At least Steve King, U of M grad, liked it. The director said, “When the movie tested so well, we decided it was time to get his input, so we rented out his favorite cinema in Maine. He knows what he doesn’t like and if we’d have f***ed up his story, he’d have told us. But he sent a lovely almost-essay about how much he enjoyed the movie. And then the next day I wake up and there’s an email in my inbox from Stephen King and he said he’s still thinking about the movie. He said a few more nice things and the nicest thing that he said was, “They’d be f***ing stupid to release this on streaming and not in cinemas.””

I mean, he also made Maximum Overdrive so consider the source. I kid!

Anyways, the culprit in this is a creature called The Boogeyman that feeds on fear, can sound like others and shows up when you ignore your children. At least everyone goes to therapy at the end, as one assumes this will all take some time to deal with.

It’s fine. But you know, I am looking for more than fine.

The problem with modern horror remains that they spend so much time and energy building the expectation and the tension, sometimes months earlier through trailers. And then, after all that build-up, they often have no idea how to either blow off that tension or properly deliver on it.

I keep on going to the movies because I don’t want to give up on horror. I don’t want to be someone — but I am, I get it, I am — the kind of person that keeps saying, “Back in my day.”

I will not think about any of these movies a day, much less decades later.