EDITOR’S NOTE: Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever was on USA Up All Night but I can’t find the dates!

I love Rock ‘n’ Roll High School inversely to how much I dislike this movie.

Maybe I’m too old and it’s too loud, but the kids in this movie aren’t fun and rebellious. They’re actually annoying and that kind of makes me sad.

Blame is to be laid at the feet of Jesse Davis, the lead singer of  the Eradicators and the leader of the rebellious kids who defy authority by blowing up toilets. He hangs with Mag (Evan Richards) and critiques his burps. Richards was hired because he looked like Corey Haim and, well, they could have just hired Corey Haim.

When he isn’t singing like Michael Jackson or opining like an expert on everything, Jesse is trying to pick up a new music teaching named Rita (Sarah G. Buxton) which doesn’t feel high school cool, it feels like pressure on his end and oh yeah, she’s an adult older than him and that’s illegal.

The rest of the band is sax player Jones (Patrick Malone) and really, I hate bands that have dedicated sax players. They also have a karate kicking bass player named narock (Steven Ho) and Stella, the only female member, guitarist and also only reason to watch this movie — with one upcoming exception — who is played by Liane Curtis, who always is the sidekick in these movies. For evidence, watch Sixteen Candles. Is it any surrpise she became a Girlfriend from Hell? Also: Her father is Jack Curtis, who directed, produced, shot and edited The Flesh Eaters and did the dubbing for everything from Speed Racer (he was Pops Racer and Inspector Detector), Gamera the Invincble and Planet of the Vampires to Prince of Space and Mothra vs. Godzilla. Sadly, he died at the age of 40 because he was allergic to penecillin and there was no other treatment for his pnuemonia.

The other reason to watch is, of course, Mary Woronov, who plays Dr. Vadar, the new Vice Principal who can remove her hand and replace it with a metal claw or a whip. Also: Rob Zombie had to have seen this movie, as the witch Tabatha is played by Brynn Horrocks. In The Lords of Salem, she plays one of the first witches of Salem, Mary Webster.

It’s directed and written by Deborah Bock, which is a disappointment, as I love her Slumber Party Massacre II. It starts on Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day, which honours the day in the first film where the students blew up Vince Lombardi High. But there are no Ramones here — don’t your parents know that you’re Ramones? — just posters of them randomly. Principal McGee returns, but it’s not Paul Bartel. Instead it’s Larry Linville. Eaglebauer also comes back, but instead of Clint Howard, it’s Michael Cerveris.

Well, Dee Dee is on the soundtrack. And the part with Mojo Nixon as the Spirit of Rock ‘n Roll is kind of cute. It’s not Mojo’s best role — that would be Toad in Super Mario Brothers — but he does elevate the proceedings.

But Corey Feldman playing 50s classics as 90s versions is not Joey showing up in Riff Randell’s bedroom to sing “I Want You Around.” Speaking of music, the soundtrack is all over the place with The Pursuit of Happiness, Thompson Twins, The Divinyls, Eleven, Tackhead, The Ventures and, as you imagined, Corey Feldman & The Eradicators. SBK was going to release the soundtrack but supposedly Feldman’s rehab stint put them off, because all record labels are against rock stars getting off drugs.

In his book Coreyography — ugh — Feldman writes about how he was a heroin user during filming and came to set with heroin residue dripping from his nose. When a stage hand discretely brought it to his attention, Feldman and turned it into an angry scene, claiming the stuff under his nose was from an engine he was fixing.