If you have not indulged in the movie drug heroin that is the cinema of Godfrey Ho, the best way to describe it is watching several movies at once. He goes beyond even the remix remake rip-off cinema of other countries and the copy and paste of Bruno Mattei to outright sample and steal from so many sources that it often seems as if the movie begins and ends in ways that you have no way to see coming. Characters appear and disappear, film stocks and aspect ratios no longer matter, rational storytelling is deleted and music from sources you’d never expect take over.

Also: This has totally new footage by Tommy Cheng (Cheng Kei-Ying) interacting with the footage that Filmark bought and tossed into a blender.

It’s nearly useless to even explain what this movie is about but hey, I’m the kind of person who stays awake all night trying to round off infinity. Let’s attempt this.

One of the stories in this movie is taken outright from Queen Bee’s Revenge (Nu wang feng fu qiao), a 1981 revenge-a-matic sequel to another revenge movie, Queen Bee, which was released in Taiwan the very same year.

But forget all that. This movie begins with two ninjas attacking a woman dressed in very 80s workout gear. One of them even sets his own hands ablaze to battle her. She easily defeats them and mentions that she only has Black Cougar Ninja — a face painted goth looking ninja — left to defeat. Well, he and his men attack and seemingly kills Amazonia (who is Queen Bee from the footage from that movie) but she ends up being the aerobics-gear woman. Confused? Forget the definition of what that means.

Anyways, Amazonia is on the trail of The Shrew, the biggest Triad boss, and she’s also a ninja. Or ninja trained. Is that the same thing?

There’s also a guy named John, who I guess is the American Ninja in this — no, he’s not American Ninja Michael Dudikoff or American Ninja David Bradley — as he goes after a drug dealer named Justin. John is a really horrible mustached ninja, as he can’t even escape a locked car without using a smoke bomb, which is one of the dumbest — and most entertaining — moments I’ve ever seen in a movie.

He’s also a Vietnam vet, so you know, get all the different mom and pop shelves covered here. But yeah — John and Justin once were in the shit together and they have a bond, but once you work for The Shrew, you sign your death warrant. We even get a drunken flipout from the bad guy about how America never took back its vets so he’s staying here, he’s dealing drugs and he plans on never going back. Then he yells, “I’m a winner! I’m a super winner!”

I have so many questions from this movie and I hope they are never answered so that I can remain blissfully wondering forever. What is “time warp king fu?” How do ninjas learn how to basically throw bullets? Who is that little kid that gets menaced or the guy who refers to the criminals as “fuck abouts?” Who decided that a fight in a disco should be scored to “In the City” by Eagles?

Speaking of music, this movie also uses  “Love Is a Fire” by Genya Ravan from The Warriors in that same club scene, which makes a lot of sense, even if the movie itself doesn’t.

You can watch this on Tubi which added to my enjoyment because it’s part of Sho Kosugi Ninja Theatre and this starts with a moment of Sho showing off how to use Tekagi-Shuko — ninja claws, if you will — in combat. This footage looks battered, like tenth generation VHS quality and I loved every minute of it.