DISMEMBERCEMBER: A Wrestling Christmas Miracle (2020)

I was let down, as I believed that A Karate Christmas Miracle was a singular work of a hundred monkeys in a room with a hundred typewriters for a hundred years, but this is just the same story beats transposed into a different tale: Mario Del Vecchio is not a karate student this time, but instead Kace Gabriel, the son of legendary Olympic wrestler Ajax Gabriel (writer and producer, as well as father, Kenneth Del Vecchio), is such a good wrestler — a point hammered home by promo and video of the preteen dominating other kids — that he decides to retire and fulfill his life’s goal. That goal? Make a movie so funny that it wakes his best friend Charlie (Vaughn Harrison Oberhuber) from his coma.

All the players from A Karate Christmas Miracle are here, with Candy Fox, the babysitter from that film, now playing the mother Cassandra. Knowing how important this movie is to her son, she trusts her drunken brother Ronald (Scott Schwartz, who was once in a majorly awarded Christmas movie and oh yeah, also did adult) and two of the actors — Chuck (Buddy Matthews) and Kitty Kat (Julie McCullough, who is not as deranged as she was in Del Vecchio’s last film, which both makes me happy and sad) — steal the film and want some money and maybe have a bomb and there’s a Mexican standoff ended by the kid all while dad is in the Congo battling the forces of Communism or Socialism and a five-second Google search would have told you that the Democratic Republic of the Congo is a nominally centralized constitutional republic but then we’d be robbed of that endless POV shot of an old transistor radio being brought to the diner table of the villains.

The so-proclaimed movie so funny it’ll take a kid out of a coma and get his mother to stop singing Christmas carols in her sad house is actually Del Veccchio’s 2016 film Hospital Arrest which explains how Martin Kove, Jimmie Walker, Michael Winslow, Todd Bridges and Gilbert Gottfried can all be in this movie and Mario Del Vecchio still has top billing. I mean, if my son’s home movies of him wrestling were in a film, I’d put him ahead of those guys too.

IMDB tells us that “The lead actor, Mario Del Vecchio, is a real-life outstanding youth wrestler, as well as a standout football player” so that means that the fact that we didn’t get A Football Christmas Miracle this year means that either the elder Del Vecchio has run out of money, COVID-19 robbed us of  last year’s Kenneth Del Vecchio Hoboken International Film Festival where he gives awards to actors and then films scenes for his next movie or he’s decided to go back into politics.

This movie is under 70 minutes long with most of that footage coming from that other movie and then you get eleven minutes of credits which are mostly holiday songs punctuated by Mario Del Vecchio straight-up wrecking kids on the mat, imposing his will on them and crushing their need to live. Do they know it’s Christmas?

You can watch this on Tubi.

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