Tubi picks 28 (Holiday Heck)

Looking for something to watch with your family over this week of seasonal fun? You came to the wrong place. These Tubi Christmas movies are for Yuletide yahoos only.

1. Don’t Open Till Christmas: TUBI LINK

Absolute filth, horrible filmmaking, bad acting, a story that makes no sense and a top billed Caroline Munro who is in this for about forty seconds. I watch this every season.

2. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker: TUBI LINK

The best or the strangest of the Silent Night, Deadly Night series, this movie is just insane. A Pinocchio movie about evil gifts and bad marriages? Yes. Oh yes.

3. Santa Claus: TUBI LINK

A magical Mexican reimagining of Christmas or a movie made by a crazy Rene Cardonna who had no idea of the story of Santa? Tell me, please.

4. I Believe In Santa Claus: TUBI LINK

This is my favorite holiday movie and I know the words to all of the songs. You’re going to hate it.

5. The Magic Christmas Tree: TUBI LINK

Much like The Wizard of Oz, The Magic Christmas Tree thinks that reality is in black and white while dreams are in color. Both films have a witch. Both movies have wishes. But only one of them had a budget. And only one of them is a classic beloved by families for generations.

6. Silent Night, Bloody Night: TUBI LINK

Do you want a holiday movie that starts with a man on fire dying in the snow? You got it.

7. Tales from the Crypt: TUBI LINK

Christmas can’t start until Joan Collins is dead. Oh poor Joan.

8. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny: TUBI LINK

No movie has ever hurt my head more. Seriously, this movie is all the drugs at once.

9. P2: TUBI LINK

Created by the trio of Franck Khalfoun, Alexandre Aja and Grégory Levasseur — who also worked together on the 2006 remake of The Hills Have Eyes —  P2 is about working through the holidays, struggling for meaning and losing yourself in your work identity. It’s also about a lone girl trying to survive being kidnapped in the underground garage that gives the movie its title.

10. Saving Christmas: TUBI LINK

This was not a movie made for me. I also don’t think it was made for Christians. I think it was made for Kirk, his family and close multiethnic friends. Things just got out of hand and it ended up being released in theaters and they had to go along with it.

Happy holidays. I hope these movies find you in health and happiness.

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