CANNON MONTH 2: No Place to Hide (1992)

Director and writer Richard Danus only directed this one movie — he wrote a lot for TV, like on Serpico and Star Trek: The Next Generation — and somehow, Cannon got it.

Drew Barrymore plays Tinsel Harvey — this name feels like a porn star’s or a hardboiled detective’s love interest — and when her ballerina sister Pamela (Lydie Denier, who was in plenty of Zalman King movies) dies while dancing, she ends up being protected by Detective Joe Garvey (Kris Kristofferson) from a killer who dresses like a giallo villain. Also, one of the ways he protects her is by leaving her with a wheelchair-pound, hammer-carrying O.J. Simpson.

Yes, really.

Somehow, Martin Landau is also in this and when asked about the movie, he said, “Why would you want to know about that one?” That’s better than Kristofferson, who often acts like he doesn’t even remember making it.

Kane Hodder is in the cast as well.

Also, there’s a Satanic Brotherhood of Thorn underground conducting all of this from behind the scenes and this inches the movie toward the absolutely dumbness that I need and want so badly.

I mean, it kind of makes sense. If the Italian exploitation industry had been around in its full power or if this was 1972, Drew Barrymore had been in enough public scandal — and done Poison Ivy — that Umberto Lenzi would have totally given her Carroll Baker roles. Alas, what could have been.

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