TUBI EXCLUSIVE: Titanic 666 (2022)

Yes, I watch junk. But I watched this for professional reasons.

That’s because a few years ago, when I had my own marketing agency — don’t ask — I did the pitch materials for a movie called Unsinkable, which started filming in 2017 in The Settler’s Cabin Wave Pool. I remember sitting in a pitch room surrounded by drowned FX bodies and now, post-COVID, the movie is finally shooting some other scenes. I mean, Karen Allen is in it. And what I did on it — simply a test poster and pitch copy — is long forgotten.

But I didn’t know it even lived. In fact, the only time I heard it discussed in the past five years was from gossip from production assistants who had an axe to grind. I mean, I got paid, so even though I wondered, “Who wants to see a movie about the Titanic filmed in a wave pool and set in a courtroom?” I also cashed that check, which rarely if ever happened on any film work I did.

When I saw Titanic 666 was on Tubi — it’s an exclusive — I thought, “I bet that’s where the footage is.”

Also, I was invited to come and be in said footage. I’m not getting in a wave pool in the summer, much less at 2:10 AM in the dead of Western Pennsylvania winter.

So anyways, Titanic 666.

Nick Lyon’s directorial credits include Rent-An-Elf and Stormageddon, so he understands that what sells is holiday movies and disasters. Zombies, too. He’s made a few of those. And he’s joined by writer Jacob Cooney, who has dipped into that other cable and streaming well — sharks, like 5 Headed Shark Attack — and Jason White, who has a movie in production called Demon Pride which is not about an LGBTQ possession but a school mascot. I was frightened for a second, especially with his nickname being Whitey.

Yes, this is a film by The Asylum.

No, I don’t know why it’s not on SyFy,.

I also don’t know why the Titanic 3 would go directly over the wreck of the original, but would we have a movie otherwise? Also, are you not surprised that they used the docked — and haunted — Queen Mary for this? More than 130 movies have been shot on this vessel, including 2010’s Titanic II — oh man, am I watching a sequel, yes I am, The Asylum did that one too — and Goliath Awaits and “The Werewolf” episode of Kolchak the Night Stalker.

Keesha Sharp (TV’s Lethal Weapon) is Captain Celeste Rhoades and she must guide the crew and guests of the Titanic 3 through its maiden voyage, which is going well until an unnamed stowaway and descendent of Captain Edward Smith (Lydia Hearst, great-granddaughter of William Randolph Hearst and Abigail Folger in another movie that I felt compelled to endure, The Haunting of Sharon Tate) takes some of the artifacts that Professor Hal Cochran (Jamie Bamber, Apollo from the BSG reboot), slices her wrists and brings back the victims of the original disaster as vengeful ghosts.

For a movie where social media influencers battle ghosts on a new Titanic — I mean, the movie is named Titanic 666, let’s go for it — this movie doesn’t ever seize on the pure ridiculousness of the situation. It’s a great idea sunk by the kind of effects that you could do on your phone when it should have a zombie orchestra rearranging their deck changes for the entire running time. That’s just one of the better ideas I have for this, but the title is already used, all hope has been abandoned like bodies drifting into the ocean. I demand more from streaming Satanic-christened movies!

You can watch this on Tubi.

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