Amityville Cult (2021)

You know, some people do great things. They invent things that help their fellow man. They write words of sheer beauty that move people to tears or songs that people have in their weddings or teach people things that change the world.

I watch Amityville movies and write about them.

Such is my albatross.

Stanley DeFeo has come back to Amityville and there’s this whole story of his parents coming there to run a bank and his mom fell for a dude named Asmodeus because you know, it was the sixties. But now there’s a cult in town and our hero is doomed.

Except it’s in Amityville, Texas.

Let’s have that sink in.

Amityville.

Texas.

Birthright: An Amityville Horror was the original title and this cost less than a used car and has a scene where a lawyer agrees to a meeting within minutes, not months, so it’s also science fiction. This is also known as Amityville Secret.

So yeah. Our hero comes home — don’t do that — reads his mother’s diary — don’t do that — tracks down his father — don’t do that — and tries to set things right — don’t do that — and then a bunch of hooded robed people end up on his porch, which is pretty awesome and I wish they would come over here and party with me because I’m kind of lonely tonight.

At one point, a character talks about getting to dance with the devil and I thought about that and kind of wished that this movie was about a woman finding her groove in the late sixties and escaping her boring husband through Satan, but that would be probably something only I’d want to see and not something that would fool you by being a new Amityville movie on the shelves at Walmart and the digital racks of Amazon Prime and Tubi.

I almost wrote, “You could have put a legit turd into my DVD case and I would have enjoyed it more,” but that just seems mean.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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