Plankton (1994)

It’s rare for Becca to get as upset about a movie as Plankton, but I’ve heard about this movie repeatedly since she watched it with me and with good reason. It’s the kind of movie so bad that it circles the sun like Christopher Reeve Superman and comes back twice as horrible as it was before.

In short, this is the kind of movie I get on here and write a thousand words about.

Alvaro Passeri made The Mummy Theme Park and for that he gets a lifetime pass to make movies this horrifically rough. The editing gets so frenetic at one point that I was waiting for Çetin İnanç to fly over from Turkey and tell him to settle down.

Also known as Creatures from the Abyss, this film has the absolute nadir of special effects within it, as radioactive fish mutate and then take over humans and you ant everyone to die, particularly Bobby, who makes some of the worst jokes in the history of jokes. In fact, this movie is pushing me to look up new synonyms for worst, awful, bad and poor.

But how can I hate a movie that has a cyclopean mermaid clock that talks to everyone and says cute things and comments on the film? Why is there an anthropomorphic clock in an aquatic slasher film? There’s an extra long vomit scene and an even more intense fish stomping scene and I nearly had a seizure several times in this movie from laughing and the strobing editing. And then some woman started growing crab claws out of her head that were basically crab claws tied to her head, perhaps via the magic of sweat band. And I nearly forgot that the shower has an artificial intelligence that just wants to see people have sex with each other or themselves while it watches.

I owe my wife an apology and you one as well, because as always, I’ve probably made this sound way better than it is. I’ll probably watch it at least ten more times and fall in love with it even more, because it is obviously made by someone who has no idea that it is approaching John Waters levels of upsetting moments when all he wanted to do was make a silly little horror movie.

You can watch this on YouTube.

4 thoughts on “Plankton (1994)

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