The Haunted Dollhouse (2013)

Man, I’ve just spent about a week watching these Full Moon cut down remixes — taking full-length movies and shortening them to thirty minutes each with no connecting story, no concerns about aspect ratios and really no care at all toward quality — and then will be spending another week doing even more Full Moon movies. My OCD and ADHD are paying off for you, dear reader, so I can see how many of these movies I can cross off my list.

“Protectors” is really 2009’s Skull Heads AKA Devious, which was written, produced and directed by Charles Band. It stats with cute little Naomi Arkoff (Robin Sydney, who seems to be in nearly every 2000s Full Moon movie) being is tortured on a rack by her father Carver (Power Rangers voiceover artist Steve Kramer) for having a cell phone. Supposedly, a bunch of filmmakers are trying to get into the Arkoff home to make a movie, but they really want to steal some artwork. Luckily, the house is protected by the Skull Heads, which are — if you know Charles Band like I know Charles Band — little tiny killers.

“Worry Dolls” is 2008’s Dangerous Worry Dolls and I have to give this one credit for not only being a movie with killer dolls, but for being a women in prison movie unafraid to have an evil trans guard get pegging by our heroine once she unleashes the tiny little worry doll that has burrowed its way into her brain. Yes, Eva (Jessica Morris, who has 115 IMDB credits and will probably have 119 when I look back tomorrow) may be abused by every woman in the prison, forced by that aforementioned guard into doing amateur pornography and continually creeped on by the warden, but once she lies down at night and the dolls go inside her ear and then out of the middle of her forehead, things get much better for her.

“Dangerous Toys” is not just a band from the 80s, but also the last chapter which is really Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, which was a pretty big movie at the time of its release. Band really pushes the idea of a Full Moon universe here, as recycled footage from DollmanDemonic Toys and Bad Channels ended up making a whole new film. Yes, Brick Bardo (Tim Thomerson) from Dollman, Nurse Ginger (Melissa Behr) who was shrunk in Bad Channels and Judith Grey (Tracy Scoggins) from Demonic Toys all get together to battle Baby Oopsy Daisy, Jack Attack, Mr. Static and the evil G.I. Joe called Zombietoid. The best part of this one being cut down so much is that all of the flashbacks have also been removed.

I’d give this one a solid review as it definitely made me want to watch the full versions of each film. I think that that is more due to the originals than anything this cut and paste treatment did to improve their stories.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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