Sexandroide (1987)

Man, this movie. I don’t know who it was made for, but it seems like the kind of person who would corner me at the drive-in or a horror convention and breathlessly inform me of its many virtues and slowly make me more and more uncomfortable.

I could tell you that this has stories, but they’re more like scenes, and they feel like Guinea Pig except they’re not well made nor do they approach art.

The first scene has a woman being killed with a voodoo doll, while the second has a goth dancer destroyed by a zombie who proceeds to slice open his own stomach. Finally, we watch a vampire girl dance — and audition the finger puppet* — to more than one Tina Turner song before jumping in a coffin with another bloodsucker.

I have to tell you, I hated the first two parts, but the end? A vampire stuck in a coffin watching a girl dance, dance, dance to “I Might Have Been Queen” and “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” That’s exactly what I wanted this movie to be.

Director Michel Ricaud mostly made adult films, which I am certain you’ll be absolutely shocked to learn after watching this. This slide of the Grand Guignol makes Bloodsucking Freaks look like Fellini, but hey, if you want to watch it and then talk it up to me in person, it’s your world.

*Also known as dialing the rotary phone, doing some finger painting with only the color pink, oiling the catcher’s mitt and pulling a Meg Ryan.

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