Amazon Warrior (1998)

Hey, you know how much we love Dennis Devine around the B&S About Movies’ cubicle farm, with our reviews of the slasher-rock epic Dead Girls, two reviews for Fatal Images, a “Drive-In Friday” tribute, and a review of Double D’s latest, a contribution to the indie Blood Camp franchise.

And for their joint, third feature film, Dennis and his longtime scribe, Steve Jarvis, went post-apoc.

Load the friggin’ tape!

Sigh. That dot-matrix printed VHS sleeve feels like home.

Okay, so taking into account this is a Cinematrix Releasing apocalypse — made for $750,000 . . . wait . . . are we sure that’s not an IMDb typo and the budget is $75,000 or, more likely, $7,500 . . . where’s the other $740-plus thousand? We ask, because, there’s no apoc-automobiles in this. Just lots of animal-skinned lingerie and walking. And talking. Lots of walking and talking (through the dusty woods of Palmdale, California). And horny, rape-inclined male chauvinists. And cardboard swords. And dirt. But at least all the S&M stores weren’t wiped out when the “Big One” dropped, because all those men would be naked as the day they were born. And there are not, despite the prehistoric look of it all, any dinosaurs. Not even a guy in bear suit. But there are tubes of lipstick. Or maybe they’re were just rubbing berries on their lips? And with all of that outdoor lingerie gear, is there sunblock to protect everyone from the SPF fallout? Well, obviously, there’s still hair care products to be found. . . .

Get it at the Apoc Swap Shop!

Anyway, after a voiceover’d Windows Movie Maker-pixled apocalypse, we come to meet a camp of Amazon women. And instead of banning together to make a new world, the usual Mad Maxian bandits slaughter everyone in the village — sans one child. Now a mercenary for hire, Tara takes a job escorting two princesses of a powerful warlord. And in the throes of protecting her charges, our mighty Tara comes to face to face with General Steiner: the one who slaughtered her people all those years ago. Lots of cardboard swordfights with combat-inept men, ensues.

Oh, and by the way: Amazon Warrior comes in three cuts: a “clean” 71-minute cut and the if-you-want-all-of-the-titilation-hanky panky 76-minute — and even pankier — 83-minute cuts. Which means that, as is the usual casting mystery with most Devine/Cinematrix releases, the actresses are probably incognito adult film actresses. So there’s that.

You can watch a VHS rip of the clean, 71-minute cut of Amazon Warrior on You Tube — and here’s the trailer. Many thanks to Cinecurry Hollywood for preserving this Dennis Devine obscurity. Be sure to spend some time on their page, as there’s a lot of great VHS oldies to enjoy.

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.

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