DAY 5. GOING POSTAL: Something involving the postal service or shipping or getting a delivery. #savetheups

Isn’t it amazing that we have to fight to keep our postal service going? Honestly, every day that I wake up in 2020, indignity after indignity piles up until I can’t believe I’m not watching a horrible movie.

Clever segway into…

Speaking of horrible movies, Uwe Boll’s movies make back about 1% of their budget yet he keeps making them. I have no idea who their audience is. During this movie, I started to think that this is what John Waters’ films would have been like if he’d paid attention in school and never did drugs.

According to the director, the German fan club for the video game Postal contacted him, inspiring him to get in touch with Running with Scissors, the company who made the game. Boll started with the second game as his basis for this, but then decided to make the whole movie about his war with his critics — he regularly boxes them to prove that he’s tougher than them, which does not prove he’s a better director, but in the world of Boll I guess that’s a moral victory — and to show how the victims of terrorism are not heroes, but victims. This stance needs a storyteller that understands nuance, not someone who starts his film with terrorists abandoning their hijacking only for the passengers to accidentally send the plane into the World Trade Center.  This act alone guaranteed that this movie would play on barely any screens.

How soon is too soon? Pretty much any time, really.

You know how I say that people are often wasted in movies? This movie makes me judge the career choices and whether I even enjoyed any of these actors in the first place, retroactively cancelling nearly everything they’ve ever been in like some backwards in time career nuke.

I mean, I understand that Larry Thomas is only doing conventions — well, was — as the Soup Nazi, but does that make him a good Bin Laden? Did they have a photo of J.K. Simmons having sex with a farm animal to get him into this for under a minute? How did Dave Foley end up here? I mean, I often celebrate actors who went to Italy to make films when their star dimmed, but can a celestial body really grow this dark?

If you ever wanted John Cassavetes to come back from the dead to shake the shit out of someone, make it this time and make it Seymour Cassel, who really should know better. Everyone in this should. I should.

Verne Troyer gets assaulted by 1,000 monkeys to start the end of the world. That’s the TV Guide capsule review of this fecund ball of junk.

As for the challenge today, there’s not really any postal references here, other than the hero being called the Postal Dude, in some attempt to make this similar to the video game.

There are no peaks without valleys. Luckily, I have a new valley to place against all other films, a new absolute zero, a new bottom of the barrel several barrels below the previous barrel that I had once scraped.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I told you to. It’s beyond dreck, the kind of film that I would wipe my ass upon if I could find a physical copy of it. And I’m 1000% ready to do a barbed wire taipei glass death match with Boll if he wants it.