Skins (1994)

Wings Hauser and Linda Blair met on the set of Bedroom Eyes II in 1989 and were a couple until 1994. Along the way, they made this film, which is also known as Gang Boys. Hauser co-wrote and directed this movie, which depicts the battles between a married couple, their gay son and an army of skinheads out to take over Los Angeles.

Joe and Maggie Joiner (Hauser and Blair) separated after he started drinking to deal with his life as a police officer. He’s since moved to Mexico so he can drink himself to death while she becomes a singer in bars. However, when they’re gay son is beaten by Nazi skinheads, she has to get him off the alcohol, get his ass into shape and get some revenge.

This movie is absolutely insane, like American History X as made by stars who have only been in exploitation movies for the last decade — which is exactly what it is. Stranger still, the main skinhead Bentz is played by Wings’ son Cole, which you should remember when the scene comes where the skins beat the night train out of a drunken Joe and then urinate all over him.

Somehow, this movie has more montages than all of the 1980’s put together, which range from drunken nightmares of bloody Nazi symbols and Wings’ daughter Cali Lili as an angel to a Rocky get back in shape and run up the mountain moment to nu metal screaming flashes of light as the Nazi kids hang out in their headquarters — which is surprisingly rad — and then, of course, Wings and Linda play a game of hide the Nazi. You know what I mean — loading the clown into the cannon. Taking grandma to Applebee’s. I could go on.

Somehow, a movie this sleazy also features musical numbers from both of its leads, as well as the son being berated by his father for his lifestyle in language that was common in 1994 and woefully insane in 2019. That kid’s name in the movie? Marjoe Joiner, which is a fabulous name I’ll be using in restaurants for years to come (I often check in as George Eastman or Bruno Mattei).

Beano also shows up. Yes, the guy who played Luigi Pappalardo from Deathrow Gameshow. When I saw his name come up in the credits, I knew instantly who he was, yet can tell you nothing about my extended family.

At the end of all this, Wings and Linda gather everyone on Hollywood Boulevard that the skins screwed with, unite the Crips and Bloods, then attack them in their lair in a scene that feels trapped on a soundstage, kind of like Streets of Fire, but it’s Linda Blair, Wings Hauser, their gay son and street gangs beating up Wings Hauser’s real-life son and a room full of fake Nazis.

Basically, this is why I watch movies. The ending even teases me with a sequel that I know I’m never going to get. 9 billion stars out of 5. Alert the Academy.

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