Silent Assassins (1988)

It seems like the strategy of many Linda Blair vehicles has been to pair her with someone else and then make me wonder, “What would it be like if Linda Blair battled Sybil Danning?” Or Sylvia Kristel. Or Julie Strain. Or here, as the case may be, Sam J. Jones, nearly a half-decade removed from the role he’s known best for, Flash Gordon.

Here’s the truth: all you had to do was say Sam J. Jones and Linda Blair in the same sentence and my movie sense would be alerted. In fact, if you have a DVD of this movie, there’s a good chance I’ll materialize in your living room to watch it with you.

An evil criminal leader named Kendrick (Gustav Vintas, who played the prison warden in Madonna’s video for “Express Yourself”) has kidnapped Dr. London (Bill Erwin a character actor who you’ll recognize when you see him; he was the original voice of Grandpa Longneck in the Land Before Time movies. Curiously, his IMDB bio informs us that he loved county fairs and was cremated, which I guess is nice to know), a biochemist who he orders to make a biological superweapon.

Only LA cop Sam Kettle (Jones) and martial arts master Jun Kim can stop the villain and his army of ninjas. Also: Mako (The Wizard from Conan the Barbarian) shows up. And for those of you that enjoy the Gor films — I see you hiding out there — Talena from those movies, Rebecca Ferratti, is also in Silent Assassins. And while we’re piling on the stars of movies that are only stars to maniacs like me, Phillip Rhea — Tommy Lee from the Best of the Best series — also makes an appearance.

So where does Linda Blair fit in? She’s Sara, Sam’s girlfriend who he’s either bickering with or trying to protect. Both she and Jones are prominently featured on the poster, but she’s barely in the film.

Just so you know, the top review for this on Amazon says, “Suppose if you are a Blair completist who HAS to have every movie she’s ever been in, this will be of use. Otherwise, avoid.” Guess what, buddy? I did anything but avoid this movie.

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