Christmas with Cookie (2016)

If you want to hate Christmas with all the white hot fury of The Grinch crossed with someone who just got the jelly of the month club from Mr. Shirley, you should really descend into the horrific abyss that is the Christmas horror section on Amazon Prime.  This movie is but one of the many bad decisions that you can make.

In the year 3978, global warming has made a desert of the North Pole, leading to Cookie, the last elf, to share his holiday story.

Santa and Mrs. Claus go to war with some angry skeletons who didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas. Then, a bunch of grey and green aliens get involved, headling Santa’s multiple injuries and an abominable snowman decides to eat jolly St. Nick. Every single person wears a mask, so they could just ADR the entire movie and not have to match up dialogue.

I learned from IMDB that the script for this movie never made it to a second draft. In fact, it started filming before the first draft was even finished. You can tell.

Blame falls on Alex Maxson, whose IMDB page tells is packed with a jack of all trades like resume. Supposedly he’s going to be the right head of King Ghidorah in the new Godzilla: King of the Monsters. Good for him — but man, right now I want to beat the Festivus pole and air so many grievances as a result of this movie. Luckily, it was free with my Amazon Prime membership. If I had to pay for this, I may have lost my faith in Christmas.

If you want to deal with this, it’s on Amazon Prime. There are three different Christmas with Cookie movies, including two sequels, The Watching and Locked Away. Even someone like me, that adores Claudio Fragasso and Bruno Mattei, could not bring himself to watch any more than this first film. Perhaps you are braver than me.

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