EVEN MORE FUCKED UP FUTURES: Empire of Ash (1988)

I’m going to tell you right now that this movie’s poster is like the metric system that Canada — this post-apocalyptic flick’s country of origin — uses. Whatever you plan on rating the film, double that and add thirty. That’s how much better the poster is than the actual thing you’re about to watch.

You should also know that one year after this movie was made, the filmmakers re-released it as a sequel to itself with new art and a new title, Empire of Ash II. It is, however, the same movie. This is the kind of absolute bullshit that makes me love movies and confounds me as I attempt to organize my collection.

Let me see if I can explain this properly: There are a bunch of bad guys called LARD (Leukocytes Acquisitors for Remission of Disease) who are killing everyone under the orders of a preacher. They also like to steal blood. There’s also an evil girl who dances in her leotard while staring intently at the camera.

There’s also a bad guy that has a rocket launcher hat. Yes, a rocket shoots off from his head, which seems to be the kind of dumb shit that even Cobra Commander would frown upon.

If the idea of chubby bikers shooting computers in Canada dressed up as New Idaho while post-apocalyptic vehicles meander about while hair metal plays makes you as happy as it does me, let me say that this movie is for you. It makes 1990: The Bronx Warriors look like a multi-million dollar movie, however. This is as low budget as it gets without a camcorder. But hey — we’re here to see people dress up in shoulder pads and shoot one another, not talk about how much movies cost.

You can grab this at Cult Action, which seems like some kind of scheme invented to take most of my paycheck. That site has way too many movies that I want.

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