NORTH OF THE BORDER HORROR: Beyond the Seventh Door (1987)

Boris has just been released from jail and has been agreed to do just one more heist — rob the mansion of paraplegic millionaire Lord Breston, who just so happens to be his ex-girlfriend Wendy’s boss. That’s the simplest explanation for a movie that is so much more.

This piece of Canadian strangeness was directed by B. D. Benedikt, who is also the “inventor of a brand new literary style, popularly called RELIGIOUS THRILLERS. But instead of OUR SPIES over-smarting THEIR SPIES, the invisible GOD’s and SATAN’s agents fight for our souls!”

Boris is played by Lazar Rockwood, whose name is nearly as amazing as his screen presence. It’s as if someone got a time machine and went back in time after saying, “You think Tommy Wiseau is strange? How my Molson.”

Seriously, Lazar is something else. So few of the things that he says are comprehensible to Western ears. He seems nervous and fidgety on screen, yet the things he mumbles and screams (yes, at the same time) are gloriously repeatable. He’s also wearing the finest Canadian tuxedo ever.

Our hero has been convinced by his ex-girl that her boss’s house would be easy to break into. However, when they sneak into the basement a few days later, a door slams shut behind them and a loudspeaker says that they must make their way past seven doors and through six chambers of elaborate deathtraps and deadly puzzles. That said — if they survive — they will gain the reward of their dreams.

So imagine if Indiana Jones was in a movie made by David Lynch with little to no budget, shot like a TV movie and with a virtual unknown in the lead instead of Harrison Ford. Now, ingest as many drugs as you can find in your home. There — you have a small idea of what this movie is like.

Can Boris make it through the various deathtraps? Will it have an insane ending? Are the extras on the disk even weirder than the movie itself? You’ll have to get the DVD yourself.

If it’s Canadian weirdness, Intervision usually releases it. Good news — they put this out this year and you can grab it on the Severin website. You should do so as soon as possible.

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