Directed by Brian Taylor (who made Crank, Gamer and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance with Mark Neveldine and also directed the comic book adaption Happy! and Mom and Dad) and written by Taylor, Christopher Golden and Hellboy creator Mike Mignola, this is the second reboot of the franchise and one I was wondering if we even needed. And then I watched it and was hooked — this may not have the budget of the originals, yet it’s the closest movies have come to capturing the wild zeal of the comic book.

B.P.R.D. agents Hellboy (Jack Kesy) and Bobbie Jo Song (Adeline Rudolph) — a new character not from the comics — are riding a train, taking a supernatural spider back to headquarters for study when it escapes, causing the train to wreck and leaving them stranded in the Appalachian Mountains. The spider went wild because they’re surrounded by great evil, something that Tom Ferrell (Jefferson White) has returned home to stop.

Years ago, thanks to Effie Kolb (Leah McNamara), he messed with magic and left behind his true love, Cora Fisher (Hannah Margetson), when the Crooked Man (Martin Bassindale) came after him. He was left with a lucky bone that has allowed him to survive for years, but now he must put the supernatural menace in the grave forever with the help of Hellboy, who learns more about his origins and who his mother was.

This story is based on issues 33-35 of the comic book series. Even the ending, with the witch wearing the bridle that turns her into a horse, comes from the story. This gets the folk horror aspect of Hellboy right, something that didn’t really get to be part of Hellboy, Hellboy II: The Golden Army or the 2019 Hellboy. There are moments when characters explain the deep occult stories behind things or how witchballs are made, moments that could break the film for some but made it for me. I went in expecting to hate this movie and loved even a second, wanting more of how it tells its story.

Don’t be like I was and dismiss this because it doesn’t feel like the big-budget original films. Allow it to be a weird $20 million direct-to-streaming blast of weirdness, a film that has more in common with The Legend of Hillbilly John than a Marvel blockbuster.

Charlie Bailey (Eric Tabach) hosts the Paranormalcy podcast, and he’s struggling to get noticed as a crowded white guy with a podcast space. I can relate. Then, he meets Duncan Slayback (Gabriel Rush), who tells him he can prove that ghosts don’t exist. After all, his fiancee died and has never come back to him. To further prove his point while Charlie is recording him, he shoots himself in the head before claiming that he won’t haunt our protagonist.

Except that Duncan does come back from the dead.

He becomes the show’s co-host, using his ghostly powers to find missing things and get into peoples’ heads. Soon, Charlie succeeds and has the money to support himself and his pregnant girlfriend, Brie (Kaikane). Yet when Duncan starts to ask too much, including getting revenge on the man who he claimed killed his fiancee, all as a rival podcast, Jasper (Charlie Saxton, tries to reveal how Charlie can do so many ghostly things.

Maybe Charlie shouldn’t have trusted Duncan. Yet once he’s too deep, well, he’s stuck. He can’t escape the call of doing his show, the rush of getting followers, the need to be part of something. Again, I understand. This hit very close to me. And it’s a really intriguing film in which its lead is unlikeable, yet you want him to grow and get past it until, yet again, it’s too late.

Dean Alioto directed and wrote this film, marking his return to genre films after a long hiatus since creating The McPherson Tape. Featuring cameos from Dave Foley and “Master of Horror” Mick Garris, this movie exceeded my expectations. It has surprising twists and turns that I never saw coming. If you have the chance to watch it, I highly recommend you do!

Wedding planner Vanessa (Virginia Ma) and her assistant Anthony (Luke Nieves) come to the island of a groom only to discover that they must follow the whims of super-rich Terrance Bruckner (Maxwell Almono) or he will kill every guest at the destination nuptials of Vanessa’s best friend Rachel (Meghan Carrasquillo) — the ex-girlfriend of this movie’s final boss. Now, Vanessa has an earpiece and must follow the tech billionaire’s instructions, or her friend will die.

Directed by Nick Lyon (Titanic 666) and written by Chris Watts, this reminds me of how stressful my first wedding was, what with the cops getting called, the property damage and the delayed honeymoon. I still don’t feel like telling that whole story, but I’m not sure I can legally. What I can say is that my wedding planner didn’t have to bury the bodies that a past lover was killing. Why is Vanessa doing that for a guy whom she hates? What went on between her, Terrance and Rachel in college?

This has taught me never to have a wedding on an island that no one can get to, never to date members of the oligarchy, never to hire a wedding planner, and just to stay home and watch Tubi.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The Parrot Head is a monster that seeks to kill and can pass on its curse through the bite of its beak, transforming its victims when they’re sober. That means this movie lives up to the lyrics of its inspiration: “It was too much tequila, or not quite enough.”

I watched this because I thought it was Stage Fright, but instead of an owl, it was a Buffet-obsessed killer and not a parrot.

Paul Dale, who wrote this with Dylan McGovern, also directed Killer Kites and Sewer Gators. I wonder if he feels like I do about Buffet — I don’t want to disparage the dead, RIP — but I fucking hate the man’s music. This is 50 minutes long and 10 minutes of joke-laden credits if that’s what you’re wondering. You can’t fill two hours of a movie with a captain’s hat-wearing parrot-murdering machine. But damn, Paul Dale, I want to see you try.

That said, this is about as good as you think it’s going to be, and if you’re watching it just based on the name — and not the pessimistic assumption that you’re watching a Giallo about the son of the son of a sailor — it’s done its job. As the director says on Letterboxd, “If you go into this expecting something other than pure silliness, you’re going to have a bad time.”

This movie also has an opera-singing shark. How about that? Just the title alone is an accomplishment, then you throw in a wereparrot and a shark who can sing Pagliacci.

You can watch this on Tubi or buy it from the BY THE HORNS site.

Directed by Justin Wu and written by Crystal Ferreiro, Mary Gulino and Tay Marley, this story comes from Wattpad, where amateur writers share their stories and potentially sell them as books and movies. That story? The QB Bad Boy and Me by Tay Marley.

Dallas (Siena Agudong) is a dancer who just moved to town. Drayton (Noah Beck) is a star football player with surprising depth. Dallas’ dad, Nathan (Drew Ray Tanner), is the new coach. Texas is the place where they meet, a place where football is the most essential thing every Friday night.

I enjoyed the fact that James Van Der Beek plays Drayton’s father, 25 years after Varsity Blues. The same problems of people wondering if they want a life in football are coming up in movies. At least this feels a bit more authentic than most teen romance movies. Sure, it still has the same issues as most teen movies — the guy is a ladies’ man, will he or won’t he change while the girl is always good — and the main reason they fall for each other is looks rather than character, but maybe I’m looking too deeply into this movie because I’m AARP age.

Everyone has secret grief, and once they share it, their relationship starts to mean more. What do I know? I got all my life lessons in romance from movies that led to most guys my age being incels and having strange notions of what courtship is.

You can watch this on Tubi.

When Skye (Dominique Madison) finally has enough of getting knocked around, she wants to finally get out from under the shadow of her abusive pro-athlete husband, Sandino Washington (Emanuel Alexander), while protecting her sons, Justice (Darian J. Barnes), Kareem (Alonte Williams) and Jordan (Mario Golden). That’s easier said than done.

Despite the beautiful home, expensive cars and unlimited bank account, Skye can’t be a punching bag anymore. But running away from the marriage and everything that comes with it, much less setting up new identities for her and her sons—who don’t all agree with leaving Sandino—is difficult. And he’s always out there, looking for her.

Directed by Emily Skye and written by Jamal Hill and Tressa Azarel Smallwood, this makes me wonder if ESPN even looks at athletes in this universe. Supposedly, Sandino is the most prominent athlete there, yet no one knows that his wife and kids are gone. Wouldn’t that be a bigger story? The ending is also pretty wild, as — spoiler warning — the protagonist shoots her husband and we cut to her playing football with the kids. The last thing these survivors of abuse and a dead football-playing dad would want seems to be more football. Is that why it’s America’s game?

There are better Tubi Originals. Trust me.

You can watch this on Tubi.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. She currently works as a freelance ghostwriter of personal memoirs and writes for several blogs on topics as diverse as film history, punk rock, women’s issues, and international politics. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or send her a Tweet @Jennxldn

It’s an exceptionally difficult task for audiences to buy a ticket to a Dracula film, walk in, sit down and watch it with a completely open mind. Nosferatu is an expressionist Dracula film the same as its 1922 unauthorized namesake, based on the Bram Stoker novel that has been adapted into as many successful plays and films as anything Shakespeare ever wrote. Everyone has their favorite film version. Robert Eggers’ version will no doubt become the favorite for a lot of younger film enthusiasts the same way my favorite version is the 1992 Francis Ford Coppola film I saw at age 20. This new version ticks all the boxes in terms of the younger generations’ favorite themes including power imbalance, the need to earn, childhood trauma and gender roles.

The first half hour of the film is excellent. Every frame is a work of art. A perfect depiction of a young man willing to engage in a job he doesn’t want to do because he needs the money. Eggers’ is a master at casting actors whose faces etch across the screen like the ancient lithographs in old books about witchcraft and demonology.  Nicholas Hoult does a great job as the earnest but insecure Thomas Hutter a.k.a Jonathan Harker. Yes, his accent is better than Keanu’s.

The scenes in Count Orlok’s castle are creepy, and beautifully designed, infused with a sense of dreadful inevitability. Bill Skarsgard’s Orlok is damned creepy, physically monstrous, and rips out toddlers’ throats. Box ticked.

The scenes in Orlok’s castle are very engaging. Hutter is clearly under the count’s supernatural influence, even going so far as to take communal wine and bread. He’s in an isolated place, doing a thankless job. The prey in a predator’s game on its territory. If he executes his duties successfully, he’ll have a secure financial future for himself and his new bride, Ellen (Lily-Rose Depp).

Ellen is a victim of childhood trauma. While the link between Vlad and Mina is explained clearly in Coppola’s version as a case of reincarnation, here it’s simply that Ellen was a horny teenager with dark sexual fantasies. Liking sex opened her psyche to the darkness, giving Orlok the opportunity to psychically molest her. Why he chose her, when there were no doubt countless other horny teenagers wandering around during Orlok’s thousand-year existence is never explained. Nor are his origins explained. Ellen was simply the perfect victim and now Orlok wants her as his bride. He was probably lonely since Eggers removed the other vampire brides present in almost all previous adaptations.

Ellen’s adulthood “melancholy” only disappears when her new husband is by her side. Why? Is it because Hutter is Ellen’s new sexual outlet? One sanctioned by the ring on her finger? Is it because traumatized women need protecting? The answers to all these questions are mute because…atmosphere. But hey! Did you notice that the Hutters use candles while their wealthier friends the Hardings use gas lamps? That’s the level of macro filmmaking we’re dealing with here.  

Orlok begins visiting Ellen, who is now staying with the Hardings. 

Orlock comes to her in her dreams bringing Ellen to fits of shaking, eye-rolling and spitting worthy of a ‘70s Italian Exorcist clone. Fortunately, Ms. Depp has the acting chops to pull it off.

Thomas escapes Orlok’s castle, finds refuge with some healing nuns, grabs a horse and starts the journey home. A six-week landlocked journey from Carpathia to Germany. Meanwhile, Orlok ships himself all the way around Europe by boat when he could have just hired some gypsies to bring his coffin in a caravan in six weeks. Why bother showing all the detail involving Thomas Hutter’s journey back and forth by land only to have the count go by boat? Because it was in Bram Stoker’s book, you say? The book that took place in Carfax Abbey in London? It made sense when the story moved from Carpathia to London. Carpathia to Germany by boat? Not so much. Granted, rail was only about a decade old in 1838 when the movie takes place, but still. It’s an oversight in the 1922 version that remains here. I did enjoy seeing a bit more of what went down on the ship and the chaos that ensued from “the plague ship” when it finally docks in northern Germany filled with cute little rats.

When the Hardings begin to grow annoyed with Ellen’s nightly fits, they call on Dr. Sievers (Ralph Ineson) and Dr. — what was his name? — Oh, Hell. I’ll just call him Van Helsing, played by Willem Dafoe. I didn’t care for this version of these characters. Sievers seems to dismiss Ellen as a hysterical female. If he truly believes this, why even bother to seek out his mentor? Dafoe’s Van Helsing, while appropriately strange, was granted no real authority in the proceedings. He doesn’t know how to defeat the vampire. He can only guess. Why is he even there if he can’t help? I mean, come on! When Peter Cushing showed up, we knew we were in good hands. When Anthony Hopkins gave an order to give Lucy a transfusion, the other men listened and obeyed. 

Dafoe’s character’s sole purpose in the film seems to be to tell Ellen that she, simply by virtue of being a normal female with normal sexual desires, can save everyone by allowing her attacker to attack her again. Because the whole thing was her fault to begin with. It was at this point where I seriously began to consider why Robert Eggers chose to retain the outdated sexist themes of the 1922 version. Does he hate women? It was the exact opposite of the way I felt when Mina decapitated Prince Vlad in the ’92 version. My suspicion was vindicated when the lights came up and the woman sat behind me declared to her companion, “This movie is a warning to never marry any woman. Ever.” 

Nosferatu is a film that tells you that Ellen is the hero, while showing you quite the opposite. In fact, Eggers often ignores the golden rule of “show, don’t tell” on every major plot point in this film. In the 1992 version, we didn’t need to be told that Mina was the hero. We could see it with our own eyes through her actions. It improved on the original, more traditional Universal and Hammer versions. Here, there’s a lot of dialogue about Ellen being the hero but, in the end, she dies along with her assailant, sacrificing herself for the greater good, as in the original 1922 film. Even though it was her husband’s fault for selling the count a piece of real estate. She warned him not to go, but Thomas did it anyway and the only self-reflective scene in the movie is when Ellen tells him off for doing it. 

For all my complaints, I am a Drac enthusiast. Nosferatu is worthy of a second viewing, if only for the wonderful visuals, sound design, set design and overall atmosphere. Sometimes good atmosphere is all an audience needs to carry them through, although I have a feeling it won’t play as well at home as it did on a giant IMAX screen. It’s a technical triumph with a cold, hollow script. Like a decent cover version of an old favorite song. A song with a melody that’s so good, it’s nearly impossible to screw it up. 

(Editor’s note: Jenn sent me this note later: “I forgot to mention in my Nosferatu review the really long vampire schlong in IMAX.”)

The final segment of the three-part animated series “Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths” covers a lot of ground. The heroes manage to survive the anti-matter wave after the death of the Monitor triggers “The Bleed,” a realm where all realities coexist simultaneously, leading to a very crowded situation.

This context sheds light on the state of the multiverse, particularly after John Constantine’s (voiced by Nolan North) Earth was plunged into war with Darkseid. In “Justice League Dark: Apokolips War,” Constantine sends the Flash back in time to kill that New Gods despot when he was still a defenseless child. This act disrupts the time-space continuum and results in the creation of anti-matter waves.

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor of Earth-10 (voiced by Corey Stoll) is leveraging Psycho Pirate (voiced by Geoffrey Arend) to negotiate with the Anti-Monitor in exchange for sparing their reality from villains. However, Luthor also aims to halt the Crisis and is willing to sacrifice multiple worlds to study how the waves function. These worlds include the realm of the Super Friends (Earth-508), “Batman: The Animated Series” (Earth-12), Earth-10, and the Teen Titans’ universe (Earth-2003).

Supergirl seeks redemption for killing the Monitor by remaining inside the sun, enhancing her powers. She confronts the Anti-Monitor and ultimately sacrifices her life. In the meantime, the heroes transform Warworld into a weapon capable of defeating their formidable foe.

Using magic, Constantine employs Superman’s Miracle Machine and Wonder Woman’s sacrifice to create a single universe, where all heroes enter except for The Question (voiced by David Kaye), who refuses on principle. Surprisingly, even Constantine is granted a chance to live, thanks to the Spectre (voiced by Lou Diamond Phillips). However, he follows the Ghost of Vengeance into an unknown world.

This new universe introduces a host of new heroes, including Adam Strange (voiced by Brian Bloom), Bat Lash (voiced by Brett Dalton), Nightshade (voiced by Ashly Burch), Lobo (voiced by John DiMaggio), Captain William Storm (voiced by Dean Winters) and The Losers.

The most poignant aspect of this installment is that it marks the final battle between Batman, voiced by the late Kevin Conroy, and the Joker, voiced by Mark Hamill. This episode is dedicated to Conroy, who sadly passed away last year.

As I mentioned in a previous review, the Crisis impacts all DC universes at various points, which is undeniably tragic. However, it feels akin to Ragnarok—a necessary reset that clears the way for future developments. It would have been interesting if some of the other New Gods had made an appearance. Maybe the death of Darkseid caused them to never be.

In the latest Crisis movie, we learn that the Monitor’s assistant, Harbinger (voiced by Meg Donnelly), is Kara Zor-El, the last survivor of Krypton, also known as Supergirl. This twist combines several Marv Wolfman and George Perez concepts into one narrative, marking a significant change as the story transitions from a comic book to the conclusion of the DC Animated Universe.

The film also introduces Psycho Pirate (voiced by Geoffrey Arend), a minor villain who takes on a significant role in the Crisis. One of the highlights for me in this segment was witnessing a Batman family composed of heroes from different Earths as they all work together to save Earth-2 and Wonder Woman on Earth-43, a world where Amazons are the dominant race.

The true villain, the Anti-Monitor, is revealed at the end. The character is often seen as a homeless man; Pariah turns out not to be the scientist who discovered the Anti-Monitor; instead, he is revealed to be a cursed John Constantine (played by Matt Ryan).

Along with a glimpse of Batman Beyond, this episode also introduces Kamandi (voiced by Will Friedle), Dr. Fate (voiced by Keith Ferguson), the Joker (voiced by Troy Baker), and Solovar (voiced by Darin De Paul). One of my favorite moments from the comics was the friendship between the intelligent ape Solovar and Kamandi, and I’m pleased to see it portrayed in the movie as well.

The Crisis event always makes me nostalgic. I miss the old DC, its quirky world of the ’50s and the concept of multiple Earths. This series intended to simplify things for new readers, but it became even more complicated within a few years. At least the movies have only twenty-five parts, making it a bit more manageable!

Director Jeff Wamester and writer Jim Krieg have done an impressive job with the three-part series, “Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths,” which encompasses the twenty-third through twenty-fifth — and final — stories in the DC Animated Movie Universe. As James Gunn prepares to take over DC movies, this series provides a spectacular conclusion.

The hero known as the Flash, voiced by Matt Bomer, takes center stage throughout much of the first part of the series. We learn about his origins, how he first met his wife, Iris (Ashleigh Lathrop), and how the Justice League — featuring Superman (Darren Criss), Batman (Jensen Ackles), Green Arrow (Jimmi Simpson), Vixen (Keesha Sharp), and Martian Manhunter (Ike Amadi) — comes together in response to the threat posed by Professor Ivo (Ike Amadi) and his android, Amazo (Nolan North). The twist is that Lex Luthor (Zachary Quinto) is responsible for giving Ivo a disease, leading to Amazo being unleashed.

After their initial mission, a man named Pariah (Nolan North) sends Flash to Earth-3, which is also featured in the Justice League: Crisis On Two Earths movie. However, instead of the Crime Syndicate moving to another world, an antimatter wave erases their reality, and the Flash’s counterpart, Johnny Quick, assists him in returning to his world.

The Flash faces another crisis on the day of his wedding when Harbinger brings him, Green Arrow, Vixen, and Green Lantern John Stewart (Aldis Hodge) to the Monitor’s satellite. The Monitor claims he can prevent the impending death that approaches.

The heroes gather on the satellite, including Earth-2’s Wonder Woman (Stana Katic), her aged husband Superman (Darren Criss), Hawkman (Geoffrey Arend), Robin (Zach Callison), Batman’s daughter Huntress (Erika Ishii), Dawnstar (Cynthia Hamidi) from the 30th century, Doctor Light (Erika Ishii), Mister Terrific (Ato Essandoh), and Aquaman (Liam McIntyre) from Earth-146. In the original DC Comics, this was a world where Superman existed thousands of years earlier than on Earth-1. This world resembles “Waterworld” and substitutes for Lady Quark of Earth-6.

My favorite heroes from Earth-4, the Charlton Universe, also appear. The Blue Beetle, Ted Kord (Matt Lanter), and The Question (David Kaye) are particularly well depicted.

The heroes are tasked with building towers to halt the dimensional wave threatening their world. Barry uses this opportunity to slow down time, allowing him to spend more time with Iris than usual and bond with Amazo. As Amazo passes away, the Spectre (Lou Diamond Phillips) appears to Barry, informing him that he must repay the time and warn the heroes that the Crisis has not yet ended. Before dying, the Flash appears to Batman when he is trapped on Warworld — which appeared in another DCU movie, Justice League: Warworld.

The wave of destruction continues, becoming evident as different realities fade away. This marks the end of the first part!

The joy of the original Crisis lay in the artwork and spotting many beloved heroes. In this installment, fans can identify characters such as Earth-1’s Atom, Atomic Knight, Batwing, Black Lightning, Blackhawk, Blue Devil, the Challengers of the Unknown, Creeper, Elongated Man, Firestorm, Guy Gardner, Hawk and Dove, Katana, Mento, the Metal Men, Metamorpho, Negative Woman, Nighthawk, Red Star, Red Tornado, Speedy, Star Sapphire, Swamp Thing, Tempest, Tomahawk, and Zatanna; Earth-2’s Doctor Mid-Nite, Hourman, Jade, Obsidian, Starman, and Wildcat; Earth-4’s Peacemaker; Earth-S’s Marvel Family; Earth-7’s Thunderer; the Freedom Fighters of Earth-X — a reality where the Nazis triumphed, including Uncle Sam, Doll Man, Ray and Black Condor — and many more.

The DC Universe owes a great deal to Marv Wolfman and George Pérez, whose “Teen Titans” and “Crisis” stories have influenced nearly every medium in which DC tells its tales. This project brought me back to 1985, when I was waiting for each new issue while feeling a bittersweet sadness, knowing that many of my favorite heroes would die and that the multiverse would cease to exist. Well, I was mistaken about that last part.