This is not a movie about cocktails or handjobs. Yes, I refer to handjobs as old-fashioned.

Anyway, this is a religious movie about dating.

Clay Walsh (Rik Swartzwelder) is an antique shop owner who also restores furniture. He rents a room above his place to Amber (Elizabeth Ann Roberts), who is a bit weirded out by the fact that Clay won’t be in the same room with her. Well, he’s made a vow not to be alone with a woman who isn’t his wife. But he will come up to fix things, so she starts breaking stuff to get to talk to him.

As they get to know one another, we learn that Clay used to shoot, well, exploitation porn of girls like Girls Gone Wild, which is stranger than Amber’s checkered dating past. That’s why he hasn’t dated anyone and has devoted himself to crafts. 

So yeah, they held this movie for a year so it could release in the same theaters as 50 Shades of Grey.

Also: Directed, written and produced by Swartzwelder, and you know, vanity may be a sign, but it’s my favorite.

That said, this is not like most faith movies. No one religious is under attack. Instead, it’s two people trying to find their way in a world that can be very upsetting. I actually liked this.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Directed and written by Corbin Bernsen, this is based on the website of the same name, which has “60% brand awareness among U.S. dating service users, with 17% indicating they had used the platform.”

Gwyneth Hayden (Lacey Chabert) works in advertising, so we know she’s Godless. But after seeing an ad for the dating site for the devoted, she buys The Bible for Dummies and Christianity for Dummies, then starts seeing Paul Wood (Jonathan Patrick Moore), a believer whose entire family — which includes Morgan Fairchild and David Keith as mom and dad — is super involved in the church. They surprise her by telling her they are going on mission work, and she comes along, only for her cheat books to be found. Not everyone understands the concept of forgiveness, and she goes back home, where she decides she wants to be a Christian, even if she won’t see Paul.

Paul spent no time mourning, as he’s already dating childhood friend Kelly (Jill Saunders), despite seeing the work that Gwyneth has done. This being a romcom, of course, they get together.

Bernsen shows up as Matt, the guy who fixes our heroine’s bike. In his shop, he’s watching The Young and the Restless, and that’s Bernsen’s late mother, Jeanne Cooper, in the scene he’s checking out.

Also, this feels like IMDBS: “Corey Feldman, who was Lacey Chabert’s spiritual advisor at the time, pleaded with her not to do this movie, and do The Lost Tree instead. She ended up doing both.” I say BS, as the The Lost Tree trivia says: “Corey Feldman, who was Lacey Chabert’s spiritual advisor at the time, pleaded with her not to do this movie, and do Christian Mingle instead. She ended up doing both.”

The Common Sense Media notes for this movie are excellent: “I only joined to rate this Christian Mingle movie. I am a 71 year old woman. I watched the entire movie only because I was waiting to see if either the young man or his mother would get their “comeupance” for their judgmental attitudes. Yes, the young Lady may have “lied” as she tried to fill the requirements that the arrogant, judgy mother had instilled in her precious boy. And the fact that he could not stand up to “Mommy”, but had no trouble telling the young lady all of her “sins”! Then he leaves his wife and baby. Some Christian. And Lacy jumps into his arms. I would not want my Grandchildren to even see this movie.”

Also: John O’Hurley’s character is dealing with baldness, so he wears a captain’s hat.

You can watch this on Tubi.

“When workaholic Ty Bounds retires after 35 years as a computer programmer, he seeks ways to spend his time serving God. Following the Holy Spirit’s lead, he returns to college to wage war against secular humanism and mentor a new generation in truth-seeking.”

There’s no way I wasn’t watching this. 

Gramps, or Ty, is played by this film’s writer, Donald James Parker. His returning to school as an untraditional student is seen as an aberration. But Ty isn’t going to school to learn. He’s going to teach, which means sitting in biology class and calling everyone out for speaking about evolution. This causes Professor Tucker (Carol Anderson) to keep asking him out and even sexually assault him at one point. 

Ty fucks, but Ty doesn’t fuck, as the kids say.

Ty is very realistic. Every old right-wing religious person I know is always looking for an opportunity to start talking about what’s wrong, even if they’re in charge and, as old white men, rule the world already. At one point, during a chess match, Ty goes off about fluoride in the drinking water, which he says causes cancer and fibromyalgia. No one asked Ty. They are playing chess.

Ty also has a roommate named Brad (Rusty Martin), who starts dating a lapsed Christian who loves to drink. She does what a few kids do every year at CMU and the major colleges in Pittsburgh. She drinks so much — 20 shots of Everclear, if we’re to believe this movie — that she dies. That’s because kids like this didn’t drink in the woods, running from cops. Drinking seems cool, right? Not where I grew up, as you run through mud and water while searchlights are all over you, and you want to puke, but you can’t get caught. If you can stay that aware, you never drink yourself to death. You just became a lifelong alcoholic. 

They then bring her back to life.

As Gramps says, “I used to think that universities were meant to teach us how to think, but I’m beginning to realize that they’re trying to teach us what to think.” 

This movie hits too hard; it’s too much like what the world would become in the decade after its release: a nation of Gramps who have all done their own research. Then, the academic bastards kick Gramps out of school, and he surmises, “I guess the devil didn’t want me here.”

Oh Lord, why have you deserted me? I just learned that this is a sequel to another movie, In Gramps’ Shoes. 

Now I have to watch that.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Solara (Kul Sarai), Tansy (Toria Pardoe) and Cala (Hannah Robson) are space princesses who have their future thrones taken from them when their stepmother, Voluptina (Caroline Vella), sends them through a black hole and into the past, where she hopes they’ll be eaten by dinosaurs.

This is just an hour, and everyone stays in bikinis. Also, because this is British, they’re really pale — I love that — so if you’re expecting tanned American ladies battling giant monsters, well…no… no. I watched this because I thought it would be suitable for one of my kaiju day movies, yet this didn’t even have great monsters.

Like I said, it’s an hour.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Who was still making erotic thrillers after the internet was in everyone’s home?

Fred Olen Ray, that’s who.

Also known as After Midnight, this has Constance (Catherine Annette) learning her exotic dancing twin sister has been killed, which means she has to become a dancer herself to learn whodunnit. She gets the job easily, as Rikki (Tawny Kitaen) sees how hot she is and makes it happen. Rikki didn’t know, however, that Constance has been taken over by the personality of her dead sister and is getting revenge on the mean dancers and scummy men who ruined said sister’s life; only Dr. Sam (Richard Grieco) can figure this all out.

This is of the genre within a genre of erotic thrillers: strippers in danger. This is different than sex workers in peril.

The bar the girls dance at is called the Candy Cat. There’s a supernatural twist. Every woman in the case is naked except for Kitaen. If you expect anything other than straight-to-streaming — by way of straight-to-video — softcore, your expectations are beyond high. If you want to be entertained, it will do that. As for me, I would love for more of these movies to be made, so I have to support it.

You can watch this on Tubi.