Directed by Joel Silver — normally a producer; this is the only script he has directed — and written by Fred Dekker, this story has a con man named Vic (Joe Pesci) dating twins April Dobbs and June Echeson Blair (Jacqueline Alexandra and Kristen Amber Citron) to get their inheritance. However, things don’t always work out on Tales from the Crypt.

“Oh, hello kiddies! Tonight’s coffin caper is so crammed with ghastly greed, sickening sex, and vomitous violence, that parental guidance is advised. So… guide your parents out of the room, so we can have some fun! (cackles) This tale concerns a gambling man with a bad case of double vision, who’s about to hit the hack-pot. I call this twin helping of horror “Split Personality.””

Vic starts out stealing ten grand from Don (Burt Young), then crashes his car because of two black cats. This leads him to the Blair mansion, where the twins hold him at gunpoint. He uses his smarmy charm to talk about their father’s architectural abilities as he starts to seduce both of them, all to get the $2 billion bucks they are worth. He takes it so far that he creates a twin for himself, Jack, who is him with sunglasses and a ponytail.

He switches identities every month and marries both twins, April as Vic, June as Jack. Things are so good that the girls even discuss just giving themselves at the same time to whatever husband is home. When they discover that there’s only Vic, it’s bad news for him, because just like how they couldn’t stand to share their father, they can’t share him. So they chainsaw him in half and each take a bloody piece back to their beds to fondle and sleep with.

This comes from Vault of Horror #30 and was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Johnny Craig. In that story, the twins are more innocent, but the end of the story is almost the same, as they split the antagonist with an axe.

Directed by a big name — John Frankenheimer — and written by Mae Woods (her only script, she mainly worked as a producer and as Walter Hill’s assistant), this predates the true crime world of these days as a librarian named Margaret (Blythe Danner) becomes obsessed with a serial killer.

“City life got you down, kiddies? Looking for a home on derange? Well, look no further because I’ve got exactly what you want. It’s a charming tomb with a view. Think of it as your own little house on the scary. You’re not interested? What’s the matter? Afraid you can’t get a morgue-age? Oh well, that’s exactly how the woman in tonight’s tortured tale feels. She’s upset because there’s a killer loose in her neighborhood. In a putrid property I call Maniac at Large.””

This episode has quite the cast, include Clarence Williams III, Adam Ant, Salome Jens (The Foolkiller), Irwin Keyes and Harper Roisman (the mountain man who nurses Michael Myers back to health in Halloween 5). It gives Danner the chance to lose her mind as she starts to believe that she’s been locked in the library with the killer.

This episode was based on “Maniac at Large” in Shock SuspenStories #27. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by George Evans.

Directed by Tom Holland (Fright Night, Child’s Play) and written by Randall Jahnson (Dudes), this was originally part of the Two-Fisted Tales pilot, just like the episodes “Yellow” and “Showdown.”

“Oh! Hello, plague-goers. I was just re-hearse-ing with my little theater group. I just love the slime-light. For tonight’s dreary drama, I thought we’d try an ex-scare-imental piece about a retired drag racer who’s afraid of getting to the finished line a little sooner than he wants. I call this nasty nugget: King of the Road.””

Billy Drake (Brad Pitt) is in town to do some drag racing and to challenge Sheriff Joe Garrett (Raymond J. Barry, Dewey Cox’s dad), who he believes was once a drag racer named Iceman. He starts dating Joe’s teenage daughter Carey (Michelle Bronson). Beyond sleeping with the lawman’s daughter under his roof, he also leaves a tarantula in his mailbox and blackmails him with evidence of his past where a race killed someone. He’s kept that secret for 27 years and it takes Billy threatening to shoot Carey in the head to get him behind the wheel one more time.

At the end, it’s a race to the grave between Billy’s 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle 2-Door Hardtop and Joe’s 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air 2-Door Sedan.

This wasn’t based on any EC Comics. With so many great stories to adapt, that upsets me, no matter how good this episode is.

This episode was taken from Two-Fisted Tales, which was a pilot that HBO hoped would reproduced the success of this series. “Showdown” was written by Frank Darabont and directed by Richard Donner and is the story of a gunfighter’s last stand.

“Howdy, illgrim. Wah-huh. It’s die noon, and you know what that means, don’t you? It means it’s time for a gunfright at the O.K. Ghoulral. ‘Cause this tomb ain’t big enough for the both of us. Which brings me to tonight’s tale. It’s about a gunslinger who’s about to ride into his last roundup. I call this prairie poison “Showdown.””

After killing Texas Ranger Tom McMurdo (David Morse), outlaw Billy Quintaine (Neil Giuntoli) makes his way to a ghost town that is filled with the vengeful ghosts of the many people that he has killed.

It’s interesting that the show tried to save money by recycling “Yellow” for Two-Fisted Tales and used this story and “King of the Road” for episodes of Tales from the Crypt. I wonder how much crossover there would have been if both series aired.

This episode is inspired by a story in Two-Fisted Tales #37 but it’s an original story. The comic story “Showdown” was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by John Severin.

The cast in this one!

Dr. Alan Goetz (David Warner) hosts Good Psychology, a show where he discusses the issues of parents with their children. Often, he tells them that they should ignore their children when he isn’t screaming at them,. That said, he never really gives much good advice, which is why the station’s owner Rona (Joan Severance) is planning on replacing him with a shock jock named Lothar (Robert Patrick). Dr. Alan, however, has a plan to get ratings. A call from a regular named Nora (Zelda Rubinstein) leads to him offering to broadcast live from her home, bring along Rona and his producer Bonnie (Twiggy).

Nora’s daughter Felicity (played by Laura Dash and Aytl Jensen) wears a white porcelain mask, screams like an animal and has booby trapped the entire place. Dr. Alan thinks that she’s another personality of Nora. It remains to be seen if he’s correct.

“It’s- it’s just like that nightmare I told you about! The one I keep having when I’m petting Bambi! You’ve got to help me, doc! I’m losing my mind! I can’t seem to take a joke anymore! I mean, a choke! I mean… It’s like the man in tonight’s tale. He’s a head shrinker who’s about to undergo a little final analysis of his own, in a paranoid parable I call: “The New Arrival.””

Nora has a library with books by every child psychologist who ever lived, including a few who have mysteriously died. That’s because she’s brought so many of them here to try and reach her daughter — who died forty years ago and remains a zombie — and they starve to death while she plays with them. Their books remain.

Man, what a wild story. This was directed by Peter Medak, who also made The Changeling. It was written by Ron Finley, who scripted five episodes of Tales from the Crypt.

This was based on “The New Arrival” from Haunt of Fear #25. It was written by Otto Binder and drawn by Graham Ingels. It’s very different from this episode, as it’s about a woman who keeps kidnapping people to become her new baby.

Fred (Christopher Reeve) and Erma (Bess Armstrong) own Fred and Erma’s Calamari Cafe but seemingly not for long. Fred dreams of being the Baskin Robbins of squid but he’s three months ahead on rent to Mr. Chumley (Meat Loaf). Despite the idea of janitor Mae Gaston (Judd Nelson) to use his family’s barbecue recipe, Fred starts to lose his mind and even tries to stab Mr. Chumley.

“Next time I book a table for 8 o’clock, Wolfgang, I expect to be seated at 8 o’clock! Yes, a good whine. Not a great whine, but locally groan, that’s for sure. A pleasant enough boo-que. Almost reminds me of a good scream sherry! I hope you brought your appetites, kiddies, because tonight’s tasteless tidbit is something I’m sure you’ll savor. It’s a real epi-gorian delight about a nice young couple who find the restaurant business a little hard to swallow. I call this adventure in fine dying “What’s Cookin.””

When Officer Phil Farley (Art LaFleur) arrives the next day to arrest him, he’s diverted by a dish of steak and eggs. It smells so good that more people show up and it turns out that they’re eating Mr. Chumley, served up by Gaston, who soon blackmails Fred into half the profits. Now Gaston Fred and Erma’s Steakhouse is a big deal, but Gaston worries that Fred can’t handle it. This gives him an idea — kill Fred and Erma. He just misjudges just how much they want this place to turn a profit and how much Farley loves the meat.

Directed and written by Gilbert Adler, this is one of the better episodes of the show. Do you think Meat Loaf ever got tired of being typecast as characters who are eaten or turned into soap?

It’s based on “What’s Cookin’?” from The Haunt of Fear #15. It was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by Jack Davis.

Directed by Stephen Hopkins (Predator 2) and written by Terry Black (Dead Heat), this episode is the story of Helen (Mimi Rogers), who is getting older and still trying to be a model. That means that she might have to murder the younger women, like Joyce (Kathy Ireland) and Druscilla (Jennifer Rubin).

“Hello, kiddies. What’s sinew? I was just in the middle of my deadly dozen. First, I do a few pull ups, then a few jumping hacks, and then I like to finish with a little die impact aerobics. I’m getting in shape for tonight’s tale. It’s about an ambitious young actress who’s looking for her big break. Will she make it? Only her scare-dresser knows for sure. Ohhhhh. I call this dismal drama: “Beauty Rest.”

Despite being roommates, Joyce will also do anything to get ahead, including sleeping with George (Buck Henry), the MC of a show that she and Helen are both in. Helen puts all her sleeping pills in some tea and plans to kill herself, but figures if she gives it to Joyce, she’ll sleep long enough for Helen to win. The problem is that Helen is a model and not a pharmacist and her roommate soon dies.

Druscilla has also slept with George and also plans on suing if she doesn’t win. So Helen strangles her and demands to win, which she does. She’s soon injected with blue liquid and wins the prize of Miss Autopsy 1992. Herschell Gordon Lewis would be pleased as her organs are soon opened up.

Wow! Anders Hove — Radu! — is in this!

This episode is based on “Beauty Rest” from The Vault of Horror #35. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Kamen.

Directed by Gary Fleder (Kiss the Girls) and written by Harry Anderson (yes, Judge Harry Stone), “Seance” has Benny Polosky (Ben Cross) and Alison Peters (Cathy Moriarty) try to take the money of Presco Chalmers (John Vernon) by telling him that Benny is the lawyer of Chalmers’ uncle Albert, who robbed a bank and invested the money, which made him $3 million dollars before he died. Now, they can help Chalmers get the money if he pays off Benny. Then again, this Tales from the Crypt, so things don’t work out.

“It was another one of those hot LA days. Things were about to get interesting when she walked in. Her name was Samantha and she was beautiful. A regular corpus delecti with a great chest…cavity, that is. Something in her socket said beware. Must’ve been the way she said hello to me. So, sweetheart. You say your husband’s been cheating on you with another ghoul? That it? Well, I’ll be glad to hear your story but first I’ve got a tawdry tale of my own to tell. It’s about a couple of scam artists who want to make a killing, providing they don’t kill each other first. I call it “Seance.””

The problem is that Benny feels bad about this and as he and Alison fight, Chalmers is killed by an elevator. Alison thinks that they can get the money of they now con his blind widow, Dorothy (Ellen Crawford), with a seance. This brings out Chalmers ghost, which kills both of the criminals, yanking Alison’s heart right out of her chest. Turns out that Madame Leona (Lupe Ontiveros) isn’t the carnie that everyone took her as.

This episode is based on “Seance!” which was in The Vault of Horror #25 and was written and drawn by Johnny Craig. The original story has two con men working with Chalmers, but has a similar seance ending.

Was William Friedkin actually making a joke by naming the heavy metal band in this episode Exorcist?

“Don’t be cool. Greetings poison girls. Are you ready to rock and roll? Good. Then slip into your gore jacket and prepare to sing along. Can’t carry a tomb? That’s okay. I’m just playing by ear myself. Tonight’s terror tune concerns a young headbanger who lets a woman get a little too far under his skin. I call this decomposition “On a Deadman’s Chest.””

Danny Darwin (Yul Vazquez) is the lead singer of that outfit, along with Richard Danielson as his drummer, Paul Hipp as guitarist Nick Bosch and Rudy Sarzo as the bass player. Steve Jones is their roadie and Gregg Allman is the owner of the place they’re playing. Danny hates his guitarist’s wife, Scarlett (Tia Carrere), thinking that they she will break the band up. So for some reason he gets a huge chest tattoo of her from Farrouche (Heavy D) under the advice of groupie Vendetta (Sherrie Rose, Mary Jo from American Rickshaw).

Another episode written by Larry Wilson, who wrote four other episodes, as well as Beetlejuice and The Little Vampire, this one is a lot of fun. You have to love a tattoo that comes to life and ruins someone’s life.

This is based on “On A Dead Man’s Chest!” from The Haunt of Fear #12. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Johnny Craig.

Tales from the Crypt gave many stars a chance to direct and this time, Tom Hanks is the man yelling action.

“Damn you Marcel! I told you they wanted violence, not violins. Good help is so hard to fiend isn’t it, kiddies? Want a little more cham-pain? I hope you’re hungry for tonight’s murderous menu. It concerns a man who’s discovered that the fastest way to a woman’s heart is with a pickaxe! I call this tasty little horror d’oeuvre “None But the Lonely Heart.””

Howard Prince (Treat Williams) has his eyes on a new mark, a new wealthy widow (Frances Sternhagen). Working with his partner Morty (Clive Rosengren) and using the video dating service of Baxter (Hanks), this is but the next older woman who he will marry and murder.

The problem for our protagonist is that someone is sending him notes telling him to stop. It’s a gravedigger (Sugar Ray Leonard) but before he reveals who hired him, Howard kills him, just like he’s already killed his partner. Maybe he should have realized that he’s in an E.C. Comics story and all of the women he’s poisoned have become the walking dead and plan on eating him.

This episode is based on “None But the Lonely Heart,” which was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Graham Ingels. It was in Tales from the Crypt #33.