“A private investigator, descendant from a line of werewolves, who tries to solve the murder of her uncle and discovers a political conspiracy.”

I was down with that, but then you told me Lindsay Lohan is in it?

My dream has always been for Lindsay to just make giallo, as if she were Carroll Baker. Yet finding out she was in an Underworld rip-off that feels shot in the same Eurohorror graveyards where stuff like The Iron Rose was made? Did I create this movie in an alternate world and send it to myself?

So what if it’s mostly long, involved political BS, and it seems like every time Lohan is on screen, she’s on a green screen, acting much as Bruce Willis did in that last gasp of doing everything he could before his illness claimed his mind?

Give me more of this.

Werewolves are at war with one another in the middle of, well, Brexit. There’s also MMA. There’s our werewolf heroine, private investigator Kristy Wolfe (Charlotte Beckett), and yes, this movie is dumb enough to give her the surname Wolfe. And as for Lohan, she’s Patricia Sherman, First Lady of the European Federation and a vampire who can go out in the daylight.

Imagine if someone made Nightwatch and it made even less sense!

And Daniel Hugh Kelly from Hardcastle and McCormick is in it?

Lohan’s first movie since The Canyons, this is the kind of inspired junk I wish she’d do more of, rather than Netflix holiday movies. But that’s what the public wants and sees as success. I want her in a diaphonous gown, carrying a candleabra, facing down the supernatural in an Italian castle filled with dust and cobwebs.

I learned from this that vampires and werewolves can read one another’s minds. I never heard that before.

Everyone in this is shot on green screen, and often, it’s edited together to make it seem like people are in the same room. You can make fun of movies like this, but if Jess Franco were alive, these are the exact films he’d be doing, except Lina Romay would be scisorring Lindsay Lohan and yes, I would watch that.

You can watch this on Tubi.