3. SIMIAN CINEMA: Grab a six-pack of bananas and watch a primate film. Something appeeling.

Directed by Keith J. Crocker, who co-wrote it with George Reis (who organizes the twice-a-year drive-in events), this is also known as Son of Sweetback vs. Kong.

Lampini (Paul Richichi) runs a carnival, and when you do that, you get a gorilla. This one is named Gorto. And when people do you wrong, you send the giant ape out to get revenge. Did you break up with Lampini? An ape is going to kill you. Even if you’re an innocent in this movie, there’s a good chance that a gorilla will kill u and that’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, you will also get raped by the monster. Then killed. Meanwhile, Detective LoBianco (Reis) is a racist cop (is that a double negative) who suspects black man Duane Jones (Christopher Hoskins) of these killings.

You will believe that an ape can not only drive a car, but rip heads and cocks clean off. Well, not clean. You know what I mean. People used their day jobs as locations, topless dancers from local strip clubs who got paid $100 dollars to get naked and it took five years to finish. That’s a labor of love. Well, as much love as you can make when a murderous ape is scalping people as if he were Joe Zito. And what if someone’s stomach gets torn out? And what if there’s also a castration?

Edgar Allen Poe spun in his grave, screaming, “Is this a loose remake of Murders in the Rue Morgue?” What he should be excited about is that a mayhem-loving gorilla can drive a car, much less drive over a cop’s head. And hey, Joe Zaso shows up. I mean, if you make a shot on video movie — I know, Super 8, I’m a big nerd too, you don’t need to start writing a comment that shows me how much you know — in New York City in the 80s or 90s, he knew you were out there and would show up. He can cook, so he usually brings cookies. Or hot dogs!

Anyway, many people say online that this is total trash. Perhaps this is the first time they’ve encountered actual, absolute trash in their lives. They should shut up and wallow in it.

You can get this from Crocker’s Cinefear Video site.