June 7: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is Kung Fu!

Directed and co-written — is unleashed a better word? — by Hsin-Yi Chang (Snake In the Eagle’s Shadow 2, Kung-Fu Commandos), Thrilling Bloody Sword is a movie that can only be described by a run-on sentence of a paragraph: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves meets Russian adventure film plus Hong Kong wuxia with effects and colors that are a blend of Shaw Brothers horror, Mario Bava wizardry and cardboard magic, all infused with moments that would seem low tech even in the days of Georges Méliès while ideas and music are openly stolen in the ways of Bruno Mattei and Godfrey Ho, plus fighting bears, paper mâché demons, more borrowing from Flash Gordon than Star Wars, swords that shoot other swords, a BDSM costume for its heroic Prince that would have Chang Cheh wondering, “Is that too femme?” and a comet impregnanting a queen.

You know how when people talk up a movie and it never lives up to everything they’re telling you? This is not that movie.

Yaur-gi (Fong Fong-Fong) is the girl born from that comet, a princess to the King and Queen, who dies giving birth to a Cronenberg-esque lump with a beating heart. The King wants nothing to do with that “little ball of flesh” and sends her, like Moses, down the river where the seven dwarves find her. Prince Yur-juhn (Lau Seung-Him) falls in love with her and has to prove himself to the King, the same one who sent his daughter in a boat to her doom. That same dumb leader also has hired two magicians, Gi-err (Elsa Yeung Wai-San) and Shiah-ker (Chang Yi), to get all the demons out of his country. The problem is that they are collecting those demonic guys and getting ready to take over, as they also pray to a Satanic figure by the name of Spirit Ah-Ua.

Don’t worry, our heroes have a fairy who used to be a rabbit and a super magic user with a butt for a head to help them out. And the dwarves used to be generals who were shrunk down but could still fight. And fart. But mostly fight.

Yaur-gi is saved by the Prince, and she falls in love with him, but he’s off fighting a nine-headed dragon. When Yaur-gi comes to meet him after he defeats the monster, he’s turned into a bear and runs into the woods. So they put him in a barrel filled with healing chemicals, and he gets that really wild armor that looks like either something a bad guy feuding with Jushin “Thunder” Liger would wear or something out of an Italian peplum.

There are also literally hundreds of fights and a Magic Monster who lives in a coffin box like those Robobeast toys that Panosh Place put out for Voltron. What follows after this is a multiple sword battle with crystal, laser and shooting swords, people flying around on wires and music stolen from various movies, including Battlestar Galactica.

If that doesn’t make you love this, the production company was named Lusty Electric Industries.

Remember when Jademan Comics — man, the references in this one, sorry — and they were so strange and fascinating? This is even beyond that, a movie that cannot seemingly quit being weird, and it’s barely 80 minutes. Most films would not even go so far as to have a woman give birth to a thing after a comet hits her in the belly, but that’s where this starts. The highest and dankest movie drugs of all time. 999,999 stars out of 5.

Get this from Gold Ninja Video. Seriously, I will post a low-quality video link online, but you need to buy this.