April 29: Screw the Medveds — Here’s a list of the movies that the Medveds had in their Golden Turkey Awards books. What do they know? Defend one of the movies they needlessly bashed.

A word from Roger Ebert: “John Phillip Law is pretty bored in The Love Machine. He plays an artifact only slightly more animated than the monoliths in 2001: A Space Odyssey and symbolizing a great deal less. He is surrounded by a galaxy (or perhaps gallery is the word) of Hollywood character actors who seem as desperate as he is, and the final effect is of Search for Tomorrow on downers.

My notion is that you’ve either got to handle this material all-out or avoid it. There’s nothing more disgusting than vulgarity done as if it were in good taste. It’s hypocritical and it’s dirty. When you give junk like this an expensive production, with two Dionne Warwick songs and only four glimpses of the sound boom, you’re missing the elementary kind of vitality it could have had.”

Jacqueline Susann received $1.5 million for this movie and had hoped that Brian Kelly would be the lead. He was hurt before filming started, so John Phillip Law is in this, wearing clothes made for Kelly, which explains why they look strange on him. He plays Robin Stone, a newsman in New York City who wants to make it on Gregory Austin’s (Robert Ryan) IBC Network. This puts him in a TV war with Danton Miller (Jackie Cooper) and on the side of Austin, but also wanting the man’s wife Judith (Dyan Cannon). And can you blame him? 1971 Dyan Cannon? Is there anything better in all the universes?

To undermine the newscast with Robin hosting being on prime time, Dan hires Christie Lane (Shecky Greene) to appeal to the viewers who are the lowest common denominator. There’s also Jerry Nelson (David Hemings) working behind the scenes, getting Robin’s girlfriend Amanda (Jodi Wexler) hired, but she soon catches him in bed with someone else and ends up in Christie Lane’s bed.

Oh, the soap opera of this! Robin and Judith sleep together just as her husband has a heart attack, Robin blows off Amanda so many times that she kills herself, and he beats a prostitute to death when she claims that he’s gay. And maybe he is, as Jerry cleans it all up if Robin wears a slave bracelet saying that he’s owned by the fixer. Judith later finds this and gets into a fight against Jerry and gay actor Alfie Night (Clinton Greyn), but she’s saved by Robin, who ruins his own career to save her reputation.

Director Jack Haley Jr. directed awards shows and That’s Entertainment!, which may give you a hint that this is non-stop craziness. It was written by Samuel A. Taylor, who has many better films on his IMDB, such as Sabrina and Vertigo.

Robin Stone was based on MGM executive James T. Aubrey, who worked hard to gain power and then ultimately destroyed the studio. But for me, the main reason to watch this was that it has Cannon, Anitra Ford, Claudia Jennings and the Collinson twins in it.

There are also not one, but two Dionne Warwick songs. They’re both so sugary that you may go into a coma listening. There is no taste in this movie, and that’s how I want it. Just 1970s cringe in every turn. Magic.

You can watch this on Tubi.