Somehow, I’ve watched four movies written by and starring Simon Phillips this month. He’s in this as an evil one-eyed Santa Claus, who has arrived in a small town called Woodbridge along with an equally horrifying and Harley Quinn-ish Mrs. Claus (Sayla de Goede, Silent Bite) to commit a series of murders based around the twelve days of Christmas.

Directed by Paul Tanter, who also made the sequel The Nights Before Christmas and who wrote this with Phillips and Christopher Jolley, has Sheriff Mitchell (Barry Kennedy) and Deputy Sam Fullard (Jeff Ellenberger) trying to solve the case before anyone else gets killed. Jennifer (Laurel Brady) have some connection to these killers, who are axing strippers — nine ladies dancing — and killing off a bachelor party — ten lords a leaping — when they’re not smashing milking machines to make sure they get all the lyrics into their kills.

Barry Kennedy was so good in some scenes that I forgot how silly this script is, but it does have some wild moments like five FBI agents all being killed and their wedding rings being taken. Five golden rings. Yes, this gets in all of the song and you’ll catch on way before the police. Defund the giallo, slasher and holiday horror police! Also: These same cops open packages without calling for the bomb squad and yell, “Call for backup!” when they get there and not on the way there.

This is also the kind of movie that has someone throw a grenade at someone and just duck a few feet away and be surprised when it just puts off smoke. No one coughs. No one’s eyes hurt. Yes, I know I shouldn’t worry about goofs like that in a movie where the twelve days of Christmas end on December 25 instead of starting on that day, but what do I know? I just watch these things.

You can watch this on Tubi.