31. “I’LL BE BACK”: We hope you had a good time with our little Challenge. Conclude your journey by watching one with a catchphrase you find yourself repeating in the real world.

I say some dumb lines from movies all the time, movies that no one remembers, like when I go in a store I say, “I’ll be in and out like a duck mating,” which comes from Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, a movie that no one cares about but me.

Unlike “I’ll be back” or “I’m getting too old for this shit,” the catchphrase that I always say is from this movie, as Julie tries to get janitor Melvin Ferd Junko III  into the hot tub, she purrs, “It’s time to do it.” Melvin replies, “Do what?” And she stares at him and says, “Do it, Melvin. Do it!” It made me laugh so hard when I was a kid — much like the other line I often say from this, “I’ve never done me no blind bitch before!” — but when do you use these catchphrases in polite conversation?

I love The Toxic Avenger in the same way that I hate Troma, because I championed this film and rented it so many times and told so many people about it and Troma never did anything this good ever again. Not even close. The sequel is fine and yeah, I bought the toys and watched the cartoon, but I’m still angry and let down almost forty years later by how bad everything was after this and what an annoying person that Lloyd Kaufman has become.

Side note: A lot of people call him Uncle Lloyd and I am here to tell you that I hate anyone who gets a fake uncle name because generally they are horrible people. To wit:

Uncle Stan Lee: A man who made his fortune on the backs of hard working men like Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby, who never got royalties or a job for life or got to be in Marvel movies, having to have their families — in Kirby’s case — fight for credit or be like Ditko and just do advertising work and hide in the middle of New York City. Kaufman is a similar loud braggart who had one major success and we’ve had him hanging around like the turd that won’t flush ever since.

Uncle Forry Forest J, Ackerman: I grew up late to the monster kid world, but there are people who worship this man and sorry to tell you, he’s been accused of sexual harassment and outright abuse by so many women that you have to believe it. And even if you don’t, explain An Illustrated History of Heidi Saha, a Warren special that has photos of a prepubescent girl dressed as a jungle girl and Vampirella, as well as the poster Warren sold, that had notorious sexual predator Isaac Asimov say, “An absolute delight! I love her!” This girl does not look like a woman at all. In this book, Forrest said of this at the time 13-year-old girl, “In the so-called real world, among the beasts of science fiction and Comicdom…there now walks a great beauty.  The young Goddess known as Heidi: supple, blonde reed of womanhood, bending in the wind of the sighs of her would-be wooers, her stricken swains.  Heidi the delightful, the full-of-life dweller on the pink cloud of fantasy and wonder.  Heidi — unbelievably refreshing, soft and shy, wildly exciting — Heidi — a poetic blend of fantasy and wondrous reality.”

I refuse to call Jess Franco Uncle Jess, but he never took that name himself as far as I know.

But regardless, people that want to be called Uncle are all creeps. It’s even worse that they preyed on geek culture fans, which all generally people like Melvin in this movie, lost and looking for acceptance. Instead, they get treated as objects.

As for Lloyd Kaufman, he has written in his book Make Your Own Damn Movie! not to audition women alone or else you’ll get accused of sexual harassment, then also talks about making women disrobe during auditions.

Man, did I digress.

Anyways, this movie is great, has ridiculous gore and great dialogue, all while not being all that different from a comic book origin of a man going from geek to superhero. It moves quick, makes you giggle and seems like it’s the first of many big ideas but the well was sadly dry. And yet people are convinced that Troma films are amazing.

This goes for it, like having a dog get shot, a kid getting his head crushed and lines like, “No tickee, no washy,” which seems edgy, but after years of Troma movies aren’t shocking for the sake of shock but instead feel like casual racism. There’s no message behind it all, just more outrage. Which is fine, I guess, but then I read about Troma being iconic.

That said, I will defend Filmirage and much more reprehensible studios. I guess I’m a jerk.

I wish I could be fourteen year old me again, obsessed over this film and showing it to anyone who would watch it. I wish I wasn’t so cynical. But the world will sometimes open your eyes, you know?

Anyway.

Do it. Do it Melvin.

You can watch this on Tubi.