20. WITCH, PLEASE!: Watch a saucy spell caster do her damnedest. Be sure to check the Witch, Please! book for spelling errors…

Anna (Michèle Perello) and Françoise (Mireille Saunin) are on a car vacation through France’s Auvergne when their car runs out of gas. Finding a barn to spend the night, they make love because this is wondrous Eurosleaze and why wait? When Françoise wakes up, Anna is gone and a dwarf by the name of Gurth (Alfred Baillo) arrives to guide her through the mythical forest of Brocéliande, into a canoe and through a river to the island of Avalon, a place where the legendary Morgan La Fey has set up her own kingdom, a place where women — if they pledge their souls to her — remain young forever.

Françoise is bathed by the women and the offer is explained. Eternal beauty in the thrall of the witch or to grow old in the basement dungeons. Anna has already accepted the offer but as Françoise runs, she keeps finding La Fey, who promises to share with her the secrets of magic.

Instead, our heroine and the dwarf conspire to leave this place behind, gathering the magical objects that will allow them to leave, A magic tunic is procured after an evening of love making with one of La Fey’s harem. A necklace controls the boat that can bring them back to the real world. Only Morgan’s topaz globe remains, but Gurth is caught and destroyed by the women, losing his eyes, voice and legs, giving the ring that keeps him alive to Françoise. He dies so that she may live, returning to the village where La Fey appears and gives Françoise back what she desires. The same past that she left as Anna sleeps in the barn, waiting for her.

Directed by Bruno Gantillon (who also directed seven episodes of HBO’s The Hitchhiker), who co-wrote the script with Jacques Chaumelle, this is the kind of movie lesbianism that men want but also the kind of movie that I want, because it feels like drugs. The kind that slow you down and lull you into a state where you are no longer sure what is real and what is a dream. An ancient castle, hazy lighting, sumptuous cinematography and poetry being recited in between lovemaking as wine is poured on bodies, all with vaguely sinister magical conversation. This is the party that you may have always wanted to be invited to.

This was released on DVD by Mondo Macabro and went out of print, but will be available in their Halloween sale this year on UHD and blu ray.