11. BREAKING THE MOLD: More than make up, this one is when practical effects masters employ their crafting skills directly to making the whole damn movie.

Hey, Stan Winston directed Pumpkinhead and, well, Michael Jackson’s Ghosts, so a .500 batting average gets you into the hall of fame. Pen Densham and John Watson wrote Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and The Zoo Gang so that seems fine. And there was a rewrite by Parker Bennett and Terry Runte (Mystery Date, Super Mario Brothers), who had come to Hollywood hot.

But knowing everything there is to know about who made this movie won’t save you.

Nothing will prepare you for what you will see.

Also known as Upworld, this has — you knew it — a gnome named Gnorm. According to the incredible Non-Alien Creature Wiki, a gnome in this movie are “… a sapient race of small subterranean humanoids whose society depends upon magical phosphorescent gems called lumens, which provide light in the underground world and allows them to grow their food crops. Their society has individuals divided according to their function, including tunnelers and warriors. Every ten years the warriors bring the lumens to the surface world to be recharged.”

Seeing as how this is a movie about gnomes, you may think that it’s a family comedy. It certainly is set up that way. And then people start getting shot at and there are a lot of cops and the gnome seems like he wants to have sex with every woman in the movie.

Look, 96% of kids said Gnorm was excellent.

Buddy cop movies were so out of control in the late 80s that we ran out of people and had dogs (K9, Turner and Hooch, Top Dog), then kids (Sidekicks, Cop and a Half), then mothers (Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot) and even dinosaurs (Theodore Rex) be buddy cops. Sometimes reincarnated cops as dogs (Poochinski). And then, we got Gnorm.

Gnorm has left home because Rena, the woman he loves, only is into warriors. The warriors all bring the Lumens, a rock that soaks up our sun and powers his underground world, up to the surface to become the rulers of their world. To win the girl, Gnorm comes up here with the stolen Lumens and ends up watching the mob kill someone.

He also looks like something from The Dark Crystal if someone pissed on it.

This movie also dares to make romantic partners — and cop partners — of Anthony Michael Hall and Claudia Christian. Yes, the Geek from Sixteen Candles and Officer Susan Riley from Maniac Cop 2. He’s Casey Gallagher, a rookie who doesn’t even bring his gun to work and she’s hard as it gets Sam, a seasoned cop who keeps covering for Casey when he gets in trouble with their boss, Stan Walton (Jerry Orbach).

Yes, Jerry Orbach is in this puppet movie.

And yes, the bad guy Zadar (Eli Danker) has a henchman named Reggie played by Robert Z’Dar.

Ten people played Gnorm with Rob Paulsen as his voice. He’s also the voice of Pinky, Yakko Warner, Ninja Turtle Donatello, G.I. Joe members Snow Job and Tripwire, and he’s also in Stewardess School. The voice is so weird and upsetting that he created for Gnorm that I have been following my wife around the house saying, “I need the Lumens” until she yells at me.

Anyways, Gnorm and Casey have to team up to get the Lumens back, solve the murder and discover corruption within the police force. There’s a moment where they are both arrested and the cops say, “Strip him,” and we see some near-Gnorm nudity. You can’t even imagine the terror, as this thing looks like the pickled punks that float in sideshow jars except it talks.

There are times when Gnorm is three feet tall. There are also times when he is much taller. He has constantly fluctuating powers, like how sometimes he is a moron and others he can hypnotize people into sleep. He also continually says sexually strange things like how Sam is a pooka with a nice roundie and giant popos.

Kid movie.

At one point, I thought this movie was in Central Park in New York City but then they go to Ventura Beach and you know, that’s the least of this film’s mindblowing things.

Despite reports that Winston planned to end this with a “poignant” ending, it ends happy. That said, there’s a scene where Gnorm gets shot and then we learn that his skin is harder than bullets. I feel like this was edited just like how Duke was supposed to die at the hands of Serpentor but Optimus Prime’s death scarred so many children that Hasbro called at midnight and gave Conrad Hauser a reprieve.

Vestron went out of business, so while this was made in 1988, it wasn’t released until 1990, then again in 1992 — no one saw it either time — then on video in 1994.

I also forgot that there are buddy cop movies with aliens (The Hidden, Alien Nation, I Come In Peace) and zombies (Dead Heat).

This is a film with a hearse chase, everyone not being freaked out at all by a gnome showing up even if he looks like Jar-Jar Bink’s scuzzy cousin who wants to sell you dirtweed, no one being afraid of Robert Z’Dar’s face and my realization that Anthony Michael Hall has done this, said “Evil dies tonight,” was a Not Ready for Prime Time Player and on The Dead Zone.

No one has any chemistry with anyone in this movie. But it does have a gnome punching people straight in the balls and also directly in the asshole, more than once. Then, at the end, after Gnorm shoves his tongue on Sam, he gets all excited when she kisses Casey. He looks at his buddy cop and says, “Hey slug lips. Something wrong with you? Make her toes curl.”

A movie for the children.

You can watch this on Tubi.