There was a time — let’s call it 1978 — when HBO first entered my life. Unlike predictably scheduled network television, many of the movies ended at odd times. In between, there were all kinds of unplanned content, like Video Jukebox, Arcade Attack, Bambi vs. Godzilla, The Mild Ones and Hardware Wars. As a kid who couldn’t get enough Jedi content in 1978, the fact that this aired every few days on our TV made me overjoyed. Every time it came on, whoever had on HBO would yell for everyone to run into the TV room and watch.
It’s a treasured memory.
I’d like to tell six year old me that I now own a copy of it and can watch it any time that I want. This is a magical feeling, the kind of power that young me never guessed would ever be my reality.
Hardware Wars — and another HBO favorite Porklips Now — came from animator Ernie Fosselius. After making twenty shorts for Sesame Street, he wrote several screenplays that never got filmed, including a Zippy the Pinhead movie. In his career, he’s done everything from foley work on Ed Wood, Serial Mom and The Unbearable Lightness of Being to making props for RoboCop 2, being a founding member of The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo and providing the voices for the pilots in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Poggle the Lesser in Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones, the Rancor Keeper in Return of the Jedi, writing the song that “Lapti Nek” that the Max Rebo Band performs, contributing one of the voices of the arcade game Gauntlet, doing the “Ack! Ack!” Martian voices in Mars Attacks! and performing the voice of Trantor the Troll in Ernest Scared Stupid.
Shot in four days for $8,000, this is George Lucas’ favorite parody of his film. When it was re-released in 1997, Fosselius didn’t take part, as he didn’t see the need to add in digital effects. He was also unhappy with the 2002 re-release that saw animators take out the strings on the puppets, which was intentional.
This movie was obviously made by a fan of the source material, as even Paul Frees — who voiced the Star Wars trailer — is used, making this feel real. His voice warmly reads “Hardware Wars! A spectacle light years ahead of its time! Starring: Fluke Starbucker, intergalactic boy wonder. Augie “Ben” Doggie, venerable member of the Redeye Knights. Princess Anne-Droid, interstellar damsel in distress. Ham Salad, ace mercenary pilot and intergalactic wise guy. Darph Nader, villain.”
Yes, Fluke Starbucker (Scott Mathews) must learn to master The Farce with help from Augue “Ben” Doggie (Jeff Hale, an animator on Sesame Street and Heavy Metal), Artie Deco, 4-Q-2 (Frank Robertson), Princess Anne-Droid (Cindy Furgatch), Ham Salad (Bob Knickerbocker) and Chewchilla the Wookie Monster.
If this line doesn’t make you laugh, this isn’t for you.
Fluke Starbucker: Jeepers! What is it, Augie Ben Doggie? Did you feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced?
Auggie Ben Doggie: No, just a little headache.
Being a grown up is not the fun that I hoped that it would be when I was six. At least having this helps.
The MVD release of Hardware Wars has a brand new 2K HD transfer from the only known surviving element, a 16mm Reversal Release print. There’s commentary by Ernie Fosselius, a director’s cut, a prequel featurette, a foreign version, an interview and three other movies: Hardware Wars Saves Christmas, Porklips Now and Plan 9.1 From Outer Space. It has a limited edition slipcover and a collectible mini-poster. You can get it from MVD.