Deadly Midwife starts with Lauren (Jessica Lowndes, Adrianna Tate-Duncan from the 2000s version of 90210) meeting with her midwife Julie (Lauren K. Robek), the same woman who helped her mother give birth to her. It’s a sweet scene but there’s a hint of something wrong: Julie needs a door camera and is worried enough about something happening that she gives Lauren the same camera. 

Add that to the flash-forward that we see of Lauren near death and the title Deadly Midwife and you know something bad is about to happen.

Directed by Monika Mitchell and written by Helen Marsh and Carolyn Woolner, this movie wastes no time in letting you in on the fact that something weird is happening. Lauren’s husband Anthony (Matthew MacCaull) is one of those Lifetime — well, Tubi — husbands who starts every day by asking, “Did you take your medication?”

Julie has gone missing. He claims she went back to England to see her ex-husband Harrison and Lauren even gets an email from her, but it all seems suspect. Soon, the new midwife Olivia Wright (Elysia Rotaru, Taiana Venediktov from Arrow and the voice of Black Canary in the Justice Society: World War II cartoon) has taken over. If  I’ve learned anything about having a baby from movies, it’s to never eat or drink anything anyone slightly off ever offers you, like tannis root, red meat or a special smoothie. I mean, Lauren is puking in her kitchen sink and Olivia is pushing this drink on her.

The whole relationship between Lauren and Anthony is weird. After her mother, an art gallery owner, killed herself, he was her therapist and they fell in love which is ethically so not what should happen. Anthony is now a college professor of psychology and — umm, yeah — ethics at Weston College. When she goes to visit him on campus, a young woman named Rachel (Gabrielle Jacinto) is hacking his computer. She claims she’s from the IT department. She also says that Anthony has been fired. He tells Lauren that he was getting around to telling her that.

There are so many things that go wrong here, like Olivia smashing her face into a sink to appear abused and then get to stay in the house, at which point she starts wearing lingerie and eating all the cheese in the fridge, then we learn that Julie has been kidnapped and oh yeah, the cop in charge — Detective Brooks (John Cassini) — is near giallo police in his level of effectiveness. And how does Olivia know the sex of the baby before Lauren?

You can see where this is all going but if you love these movies like I do, you enjoy each twist and turn of ridiculousness. I often yell at the TV during movies like this and I am quite immature, but I feel that we all find our own joy in life.

You can watch this on Tubi.