Blind Waters wastes no time, having two people swim off a yacht and get devoured by a shark with no explanation. Do I need one? After all, I’m watching a shark movie by The Asylum at one in the morning.

I guess this at least has some shark movie pedigree, as it was directed and written by Anthony C. Ferrante, the same guy who directed every Sharknado movie.

Valentina Armas (Meghan Carrasquillo) and Weston Dern (Noam Sigler) are on a beach vacation when her purse gets stolen while he’s ordering some bad tasting drinks. They kiss under the fireworks and all is forgiven as we wake up to drone footage of the surf at daybreak.

Meanwhile, Chris Burman (Chris Cleveland), his wife Larisa (Becki Hayes) and their daughter Eliza (Patty Cruz) are trying to get a boat for a fishing trip. They’re all warned that there’s a storm coming through. And as the Coast Guard leaves. Gabe (Francisco Angelini)  — the guy they paid for the boat — hotwires it and cranks up some sub-Chili Peppers. Within moments, he throws a bloody knife in the water. That brings out a shark that kills Chris and Larisa before we even get to know them, other than that they bet over things. Well, they both lost.

Valentina and Weston get a boat — from the guy who Chris tried to pay double for the rental — and go out to go SCUBA diving. You know, alone. Because that’s totally safe.

Once the storm kicks up, one of the Coast Guard, Margo (Jhey Castles) decides to go on patrol.

And now, everyone is set up to fight the shark. The first time that Valentine and Weston see the shark, it seems like he’s running from it, leaving her alone. But in truth, he was setting up his proposal but never thought that a shark would ruin his big moment of getting down on one knee in his wetsuit. The shark then cock blocks Weston by repeatedly ramming the boat while he’s trying to propose.

Well, this shark is pretty ruthless. He knocks out Valentina and she goes blind, then it drags Weston under and takes a bite out of his leg while he unheroically screams. They barely escape, despite getting in touch with the Coast Guard, before getting stranded on an island with a strange man who claims that his family was destroyed by the shark. That man ends up being Gabe, who has the dead body of Charlie and wants to use it as bait to escape the devil fish.

But would you be shocked to know that Gabe stole Valentina’s purse? And that she finds the ring Weston wants to give her just as the shark makes a meal of the villain? And no spoilers, but not everyone is getting out of this shark movie alive.

This entire movie reminded me why I will never go on an island or beach vacation. Also: How does Ferrante go from the insane time travel of the last Sharknado to this, perhaps one of the most basic shark movies I’ve seen? Do the bills really need paid that much?

You can watch this on Tubi.