DISMEMBERCEMBER: The Minion (1998)

Directed by Jean-Marc Piché and written by Matt Roe and Avi Nesher (the director of Doppelganger) this movie finds the holidays coming at the worst of times, as all the signs of the end are there — it’s  super hot in New York City despite it being December — and that’s because The Minion is about to unlock the fourth of the Trinity — just go with it — the Antichrist who is locked inside the fortress of the Knights Templar and their strongest warrior Lukas Sadorov (Dolph Lundgren) must stop that from happening. He’s also a former Speznas who left the Soviet army after witnessing a massacre of civilians in Afghanistan — is this a Red Scorpion sequel? — who ends up working with a Native American archaeologist named Karen Goodleaf (Françoise Robertson).

The Minion has powers like The Hidden, jumping from body to body, but Dolph has a spiked glove so it seems like this is unfair fight for demons. Also: a subplot about nuclear waste on reservations, the alternate title Knight of the Apocalypse and the sad undelivered promise that Michele Soavi was one selected to direct this and man, what a movie that would have been. It’s still pretty good — I mean, Dolph praying before beating up cops and a bunch of Knights Templar in body armor fighting a body-switching demon, what else could you ask for? — but just imagine if this had been in the hands of a man who put a scene in a movie where a rabbit can use a remote control and it’s the least wild idea in that film.

Everyone compares this to End of Days but Lundgren got there first.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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