Welcome to the Dune that your grandmother bought you for Christmas because she gets confused and doesn’t know what you kids like. This is the Dune you bring home from Walmart and your wife yells at you because you got the wrong one and your kids cry and she wonders why she married you. This is the Dune you buy at a gas station. This is the Dune that has Sean Young starring in it in 2021. This is the Dune that has prerendered CGI explosions and a red filter over everything and sandworms that would look better if they’d just film worms in actual sand. This is the Dune made by Glenn Campbell and not the one we called the Rhinestone Cowboy, riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo, getting cards and letters from people he don’t even know. This is the Dune that looks like people cosplaying. This is the Dune that has no mysticism or spice. This is the Dune that is Tremors. This is the Dune that made me question my life choices and why I can’t sleep and why I’m up all night writing about a fake Dune when I could be sleeping and when I’m dead and buried, people won’t be like, “Well, at least he gave us his all and wrote articles about fake blockbusters,” they’ll just say I wasted my potential. This Dune doesn’t believe fear is the mindkiller. This Dune I actually watched.