About the Author: Paul Andolina is braver than me. That’s right — he saw Cats and he did it for you, the B&S About Movies reader. You should thank him by visiting his sites Wrestling with Film and Is the Dad Alive?

I really thought I was going to make it through the year without having to see the newest film version of Cats. Well, I didn’t make it 7 days into the year and have already watched it. I originally declined to see it with my brother and father who saw it over the Christmas break but my fiancee really wanted to watch it so off we went on January 6 to see what I surely thought was going to be the thing that plummeted me into actual madness.

As a child I had a horrible nightmare about a seemingly normal black cat who blocked me from getting into my house by pacing around our flower garden. I just knew that cat was up to no good;  it stopped me and we had a conversation. The years have made sure that I have all but forgotten what was actually said but what I do vividly remember is that after our talk it lunged for my neck aiming to kill me. So anthropomorphic cats have been somewhat of a bugaboo.

My first thoughts when the film started were, this is fucked up, which I found myself repeating in my head for a good 20 some minutes into the film. I gave up all hope of it not being super weird seeing these horrifying caricatures of cats slink around a mostly CGI city full of cat puns and giant ass buildings. Coming to terms with this was hard but I eventually settled into letting myself at least experience what was going on without being too critical. The movie is difficult in these regards, it seems like I shouldn’t even be able to see this film legally, like it should be hidden in a backroom of a video parlor where they sell tobacco pipes and that potpourri stuff that they toted as a legal high but was more of an overpowered hallucinogen than anything remotely resembling marijuana.

I am not a total stranger to the musical as I had seen the 1998 adaptation many years ago when I first began to be interested in musicals because of a high school friend’s deep affection for them. However, I didn’t really remember much about the musical. It wasn’t my favorite so it was quickly forgotten. The music in the movie is interesting, most of the lyrical content of the musical itself seems like nonsense but I did piece together what was going on plot-wise fairly easy. I should note that when I say the music was interesting I really mean that it sounded like some kind of techno jazz hellscape that I may drift into while having an exceptionally bad case of the man flu.

Despite all the horrid feelings and thoughts that dashed through my mind throughout the film, I actually enjoyed it. The music is catchy, the cast did about as well as I’d expect someone to do under what I believe the circumstances of filming were, random pieces of wardrobe over top green screen suits and sparse sound stages, and it was a theater experience I likely won’t forget anytime soon. I will probably never get over how the cats looked so very odd. All the other animals in the film were anthropomorphized as well, the cockroaches and mice being a whole different level of what the hell. You hear a dog but never see it but apparently, they are the only animal in this world that doesn’t sing or march around with a human face pasted onto their mug. 

The celebrities on parade in cat form were numerous, of particular interest to me was Macavity, the evil sorcerer cat, who whispered his own name any time he did a spot of magic, was played by the great Idris Elba. One of his associates is played by Taylor Swift and for some odd reason is the only cat that I didn’t think looked freaky, almost as if she was made just for this role. Ian McKellen as Gus the theater cat was an odd casting choice but he did well, although seeing him lap water out of an oversize bowl is not something I’d ever thought I’d witness, and I certainly hope I don’t have to see it again. The bit where Jennyanydots played by Rebel Wilson unzips her fursuit to reveal a completely different outfit worn over top her fur was disturbing too. 

This movie is sure to be talked about for many, many years to come for the sheer what-the-fuck-titude of it all but if you love Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats and you’ve listened to it a thousand times before and will never get sick of it I hope you take the time to see this film and perhaps your thoughts will be different than mine. It was fun but certainly one I will not seek out again.