In 2020, most of Earth has been destroyed by sightless aliens that hunt via sound. But they aren’t the real danger that humanity faces. No, they’re facing nails. Upset pre-teens. And toys that make way too much noise.

But seriously…

Outside of Quest for Fire, this is the quietest, near dialogue-free movie that’s been released in mainstream U.S. cinemas. It’s interesting to me that John Krasinski wrote, directed and starred in this (he even is one of the monsters, doing some of the motion capture acting), as his star-making turn as Jim on the American version of The Office was marked by more of his silent reactions to events and longing for Pam than any words that he had to say. Along with real-life wife Emily Blunt, they form the emotional core of the tale, two parents trying to figure out how to raise children in a world where nearly everyone is dead and communication is impossible.

Millicent Simmonds from Wonderstruck is great as the daughter, whose deafness has helped her family, as their knowledge of American Sign Language has become an integral part of how they survive.

Originally, this film was intended to be a crossover or part of the Cloverfield universe. I’m glad that it was allowed to stand on its own merits. While some of the scares feel like Alien, there is still an originality to a movie that depends so much on sound design and subtle cues to bring out maximum suspense.

That said — as for originality, there’s a movie coming out in September called The Silence, where a family comes up against “a deadly, primeval species who have bred for decades in the pitch darkness of a vast underground cave system, hunting only with their acute hearing. As the family seeks refuge in a remote haven where they can wait out the invasion, they start to wonder what kind of world will remain when they’re ready to emerge.” Which is even weirder is that the movie stars Stanley Tucci, who is married to Emily Blunt’s sister Felicity.

This felt a bit slow to me, but I think that’s just the build here. For someone who wasn’t a horror fan growing up, Krasinski has a good feel for the genre. It’s intriguing to me that two of the biggest hits of the last few years, this and Get Out, came not from genre veterans but for creatives known mainly for comedy. Which is, after all, tragedy plus time.

PS – The scenes with the nail sticking out of the steps had me more upset than anything I’ve seen in a film in some time. This is from someone who can eat Chinese takeout while watching Fulci. Sometimes, the most real horrors are the most frightening of all!

9 years after The Strangers first came out, the sequel emerges. It started with actual hype, trailers and posters announcing its release and then it felt like the actual film came and went. Luckily, we caught it as a second feature at the drive-in. It’s a hard role for a second film to live up to the first, particularly when you love a movie so much that you get a tattoo of one of its characters like Becca has. So does the sequel live up to its predecessor?

We open in a trailer park, where The Strangers park their truck, enter a home and proceed to kill off everyone inside. Roll credits. Show based on a true story super.

Mike, Cindy (Christina Hendricks from TV’s Mad Men), Luke (Lewis Pullman, son of Bill) and Kinsey (Bailee Madison, the 2010 remake of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark) are on the road to Kinsey’s boarding school when they stop to stay with Cindy’s Uncle Marvin’s trailer camp along the way.

Arriving late, they are barely settled in when a knock comes at the door and we hear the familiar question: “Is Tamara home?” If you’ve seen the original, you know what happens next. And if you haven’t…

Family drama leads to everyone leaving their phones on the table and Kinsey storming off. Luke follows and as they wander the park, they discover the bodies of their uncle and aunt. They also just randomly let their relatives’ dog run away into the night like it’s not a big deal, which kind of makes me not care what happens to them.

As they run away in fear, they find their parents and decide to get out. But first, Mike wants to see the bodies. You know what? Just go. Just walk away. But nope, he goes and does that while Dollface stabs his wife and Kinsey barely escapes.

Mike and Luke find the body and start searching for Kinsey when Man in the Mask crashes his truck into them. As Luke runs off to get help, the killer gets in the car, cranks the stereo and kills dad with an ice pick. It’s the first welcome bit of true weirdness in what’s been up until now a relatively staid affair.

A massive chase ensues, ending with Like stabbing Pin Up Girl to death and battling Man in the Mask to Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Music choice wise, this movie is great. And I find it really interesting that the two most devious, inventive and bloody scenes in the film, this pool sequence and later when Man in the Mask chases Kinsey in a flaming truck, are both scored to Jim Steinman-penned songs (the second is Air Supply’s Making Love Out of Nothing at All.” Both songs were originally written for Meat Loaf’s album “Midnight at the Lost and Found,” but the record label would not pay Steinman for his work. Hence, he turned them into hits for two other artists and thematically, they are so similar that it can’t be a coincidence they were used in this way).

Seriously, it’s not until the pool fight between Luke and Man in the Mask that this movie finds its footing. What follows is pure suspense, as if the film finally felt like anyone left at the party were its true friends and that it was time to embrace the crazy.

The only downside to all this is that Dollface’s answer to the question of why pales in comparison to the original film. And that the ending is pretty much a shot for shot remake of the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But how many kids on opening weekend are going to know that? How many have sat through slasher after slasher and miss the early 1980’s summers, knowing that they could be rewarded with a new murder-packed film every Friday?

This was directed by Johannes Roberts (47 Meters Down, The Other Side of the Door) from a script by original writer and director Bryan Bertino. Also of note is that none of The Strangers are portrayed by the original actors. As for that based on true events legend, the movie was inspired by the Manson Family murders of Sharon Tate and her friends, the Keddie Cabin Murders and a series of break-ins that happened in Bertino’s neighborhood while he was growing up.

Some trivia: Before script rewrites, Liv Tyler’s character would return, only to be killed in the beginning. It’s better that she didn’t, as it allows the film to try and stand on its own. That said — if suffers in comparison. The original was a darker, dingier, more deranged affair. We kind of knew from the trailers that we weren’t getting what we wanted from this film, but it does deliver two great scenes, which is probably more than you can ask for these days. Also, as stated above, there are some really great music cues, which shows that at least the filmmakers were thinking! Which, I guess, is more than I can say for the folks that made some of my favorite bottom of the barrel 80’s slashers.

When I was a kid, we’d often go to a pharmacy after church. I’d sit in front of the magazine rack while my parents shopped and would read everything I could. Up above where I could reach was a shelf that was blocked off, where I couldn’t see the covers. That’s where the Playboy magazines were. And that’s where National Lampoon resided, too.

I was born too late for the heydey of the magazine*, which would probably be from 1970 to 1976. During that time, American comedy for the foreseeable future until the end of time would be decided. No. This is not hyperbole. This is fact. The voices within the Lampoon magazine, radio show, stage show and films are the backbone of American comedy. The sheer amount of comedic talent in this film portrayed by the sheer amount of comedic talent proves that.

The force that these comedic talents orbited around was Doug Kenney and Henry Beard, who turned their stint at the Harvard Lampoon and nationally published parodies into a regular magazine in 1970.

If all Kenney did was write National Lampoon’s 1964 High School Yearbook, Caddyshack and Animal House, he’d still be remembered. So why does he deserve a book, much less a movie?

Based on A Futile and Stupid Gesture: How Doug Kenney and National Lampoon Changed Comedy Forever, Kenney basically assembled the cast of Saturday Night Live before the show even aired. From John Hughes, Anne Beatts and P.J. O’Rourke to Tony Hendra (Spinal Tap’s manager Ian Faith) and Chris Miller (who co-wrote Animal House) on the writing side to Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Bill Murray and Gilda Radner (and more) on the performance side, you can see how nearly every comedy in the 1980’s had the Lampoon stamp — and stink — all over it.

As for the film, it’s pretty much made for comedy geeks who have the hardback of Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead and have watched the documentary that ensured ad nauseam, that have read and re-read every book on SNL, that can breathlessly tell you of the relevance of 1970’s comedy. Yes, I am looking at the man in the mirror.

If you knew nothing about Kenney, I’m not sure you’ll come out of this film loving him. In my reading of him, I’ve always seen him as this mysterious force that would write and write and write and then disappear, only to come back and prove himself all over again until he fell into a whirlwind of drugs and depression and faded away from this reality. I’ve always found myself more drawn to the pure menace and in your face nature of Michael O’Donoghue, who is portrayed in the film by The State‘s Thomas Lennon. His intro scene, where he goes into a manic rant that sounds life and death and is really only directed to a record club operator is perfect. So if you’re looking for a memoir of his greatest hits, this film is for you (indeed, the movie ending food fight has Beatts and O’Donoghue locked in a romantic embrace, making him near heroic).

This is almost a game to spot the comedian and who they are playing, kind of like The Greatest Story Ever Told, but for comedy. That’s Will Forte and Martin Mull as Kenney (I hoped against hope that I had been Mandala Effected into a world where Kenney survived, but no dice). Domhnall Gleeson (General Hux!) as Henry Beard. Pittsburgh’s own Jon Daly as Bill Murray. John Gemberling (Bevers from Broad City) as Belushi. Ed Helms as a picture perfect Tom Snyder. Natasha Lyonne as Anne Beatts. Even Joel McHale, portraying his old Community castmate Chevy Chase, who comes off as much an enabler as a friend. Tony Hendra is the only person who really gets a hatchet job here, coming off as a joke and girlfriend thief (and his daughter’s allegations of sexual abuse make him a troubling figure to enjoy these days). Paul Scheer even shows up as Paul Schaffer! Seriously, this film is just about a laundry list.

I really liked some of David Wain (The State, Wet Hot American Summer) transitions in the film, such as how he uses the Lampoon Foto Funny style to explain Kenney’s divorce and then how he decides to escape to Los Angeles with his girlfriend, Kathryn Walker. There’s also plenty of explanation for why no one really looks like the people they’re playing, an attempted explanation for the Lampoon‘s lack of minorities and a laundry list of the way the movie plays fast and loose with what really happened (“some other things we changed from real life for pacing, dramatic impact, or just cause we felt like it.”).

There are some great in-jokes in the film, such as Martha Smith, who played Babs in Animal House, reprising her role. At the end of the film, it’s said that Babs became a tour guide at Universal Studios. And yep, that’s her leading the tour during the filming of Caddyshack. There’s also an appearance by Mark Metcalf (Doug Niedermeyer from Animal House and the Twisted Sister videos) who asks Kinney and Beard “What do you wanna do with your life?”

A lot of this hit close to home for me, the idea of throwing yourself into your work without worrying about anyone else in your life and thinking you’re a good person because you continually deliver (but don’t at home or to anyone else). It was, frankly, sobering. Despite the efforts of the film, Kenney does not come off as a good guy at all and his main excuse, not having the love of his family, rings hollow even to him at the end as his grieving father says, “They all loved him so much.”

Obviously, this is a movie basically made for me to enjoy. And I did, but it’s difficult for me to recommend it to anyone who doesn’t really care about where comedy comes from. Also, if you are one of those people, please go fuck yourself.

You can see the movie on Netflix right now. You can also watch Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead there, too.

*My parents, to their credit, paid for years of a National Lampoon subscription for me until the magazine became unreadable. I also have a vivid memory of reading the National Lampoon True Facts book while an ex-girlfriend spent two consecutive nights in the ER and trying not to laugh while surrounded by people — like me, to be honest — who had no reason to laugh. That anecdote sums up the National Lampoon pretty well, I think.

A new horror movie? We went and saw a new horror movie? Yep. We sure did. The results? Well, pretty much exactly what I expected, sadly.

Never forget that before they started the Insidious series, Leigh Whannell and James Wan created the Saw franchise. That one got driven into the ground. And with Insidious: The Last Key, you can feel that the franchise is desperately seeking something new as it whistles past the graveyard, never letting you forget that Elise Rainier (Lin Shaye, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Ouija, all of these Insidious movies) died at the end of the first movie.

There’s even a maudlin scene where she talks about how she and her dog have grown old. There are numerous heartstring tugs — well, I should say, attempted tugs — that fall flat.

Where the film succeeds is when it shows us where Elise came from, a home that is possessed by both human and supernatural horror. There’s a sequence there where Elise is sure that there’s someone else in the room with her and her brother that approaches a fright, but the film devolves into by the numbers trips into The Further.

Specks and Tucker (creator Whannell and Angus Simpson) are the other highlights of the film, a welcome bit of fun in an otherwise lumbering mess. The film feels four hours long, with the second half — introducing Elise’s estranged brother (Bruce Davison, The Lords of Salem) and his family — feeling like the only time this film picks up steam.

New baddy Key Face looks interesting (he’s played by Javier Botet, who has a lock on playing spectral evil thanks to roles in Crimson Peak, The Conjuring 2, It and the upcoming Polaroid and Slender Man), but we never really learn why he’s doing what he does. I don’t always demand that horror films have backstory — Halloween doesn’t need it — but I felt there was no real motivation here.

This film has been in the can since August of 2016 and was moved from October of last year to make way for Happy Death Day, so the producers have to overjoyed that it’s already made four times of its budget.

Obviously, we’re going to get more of this series. They already set up Imogen Rainier, Elise’s niece, as having her gift. So they can always go back and rewrite the ending of Insidious 2, if they want. I just hope that they try and invest the film with some level of humanity, unlike this effort.

Also, Becca reminded me as we walked to the car that you need to watch these movies in this order: 3, 4, 1, 2. I have the sinking feeling that I’ll be watching the other films this week. I find them all lacking when compared to the Conjuring films.

I just wish that Hollywood would make a horror film I want to see. Looking at the films in Drive-In Asylum makes me sad that at one point, there were so many genre films to choose from. I feel that we have to go out and see every horror film that’s out (fuck, I had to suffer through that It remake this week on video and the trailer for Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare made me throw up blood) just to keep these movies viable. Other than The Witch and Get Out, I’ve been sorely disappointed. Here’s hoping that the rest of 2018’s new horror films easily jump over the very low bar that Insidious: The Last Key sets.