THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 28: Rigor Mortis (2013)

28. A Post-2000s Hong Kong Horror Film

Chin Siu-ho, the star of Mr. Vampire, is suicidal after his wife divorces him and takes his son. Moving into a run-down apartment, he soon tries to hang himself, which brings twin ghosts his way, possessing him. He’s soon saved by Yau (Anthony Chan, who was also in Mr. Vampire), a vampire hunter who has begun using rice to fight them.

Meanwhile, Uncle Tung (Richard Ng) falls down the steps and dies. His wife, Meiyi (Paw Hee-ching), asks a magician named Gau (Chung Fat) to resurrect him. She must keep a mask on his face for several days to allow him to come back to the land of the living. However, when she removes the mask — and also seeks virgin blood to speed up the rebirth — her now monstrous husband murders a child while she listens.

But it gets worse: Gau is attacked, and as he dies, he tells everyone that Tung has risen as a jiangshi to haunt the building. Worse still? The warlock was responsible for Tung’s original death. That’s because Gau is terminally ill and had planned to bind the twin ghosts’ souls in Tung’s soulless body to gain power and extend his own life. Meiyi ruined everything by removing the warding mask.

The child the reanimated old man killed, Pak (Morris Ho), is also a ghost. As for that hopping monster, a mace and a moatov cocktail barely slow him down. You know what stops him? Rice. Well, he’s stopped long enough to be possessed by the twin ghosts.

Despite saving the day, this all ends up being an O. Henry story. Chin really did hang himself, and everyone he met on his last day appears in his story. Yang and Pak are neighbors. Meiyi is a widow, and Yau is a neighbor who fails to save him. At the morgue, Chin’s adult son identifies his body for the medical examiner, who is Dr. Gau.

Directed by Juno Mak, who wrote it with Philip Yung and Jill Leung, this features multiple Chinese ghosts and grim reapers, as well as tons of cultural magic, such as the unlucky number four. And while it’s a tribute to Mr. Vampire, it’s not as light as those films. Chin Siu-ho, Anthony Chan, Billy Lau (who plays a cook) and Richard Ng were all in installments of the series.

You can watch this on Tubi.

2025 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 17: The Conjuring (2013)

17. THE WATCHENING: Today’s film title should end with an -ing.

Oh man, the whitewashing of the Warrens starts here, but at least James Wan made one great art-directed movie, a film that has a scary room filled with occult objects like Annabelle, who couldn’t stay in just one movie.

Ed and Lorraine (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) are super Catholic ghostbusters who no one believes in. But you know who does? The Perron family. Roger and Carolyn (Ron Livingston and Lili Taylor) move into a farmhouse with their five daughters — Andrea (Shanley Caswell), Nancy (Hayley McFarland), Christine (Joey King), Cindy (Mackenzie Foy) and April (Kyla Deaver ) and yes, they must be Catholic too with a family like that — and their dog Sadie, who won’t even enter their new home. That’s because witch and Satanist Bathsheba Sherman sacrificed her week-old baby to the devil and killed herself at 3:07 in the morning after cursing all who take her land. So every night at 3:07, stuff gets crazy. Oh yeah, the dog dies, so you know, cheap heat.

The Warrens bring Father Gordon (Steve Coulter) to get evidence, but because the Perron family is not Catholic, the church won’t help. No worries. Ed can do it.

Norma Sutcliffe and Gerald Helfrich, the previous owners of the house on which this was based, sued James Wan, Warner Bros, and producers because, in 2015, their property was being vandalized constantly after the movie. The suit was later dismissed.

Now, the Conjuring Universe has nine movies. Although The Conjuring: Last Rites felt like a combination of the series’ conclusions and a Father of the Bride remake, this won’t be the end.

When this was shown in the Philippines, some cinemas had to hire Catholic priests to bless the viewers before showing it. I don’t know if this was a William Castle stunt that benefited the movie or the church.

UNSUNG HORRORS HORROR GIVES BACK 2025: Moebius (2013)

Each October, the Unsung Horrors podcast does a month of themed movies. This year, they will once again be setting up a fundraiser to benefit Best Friends, which works to save the lives of cats and dogs across America, giving pets second chances and providing them with happy homes.

Today’s theme: South Korea

Directed and written by Kim Ki-duk, Moebius has no words, using only vocables like “uh-huh” and “hmm” for character communication. Want to see me get fancy? It also has no non-diegetic sound except for the beginning and the end.

The mother (Lee Na-ra) is upset that the father (Cho Jae-hyun) has a mistress (also Lee Na-ra), so she tries to castrate him. That fails, so she does the same to their son (Seo Young-joo) and eats his severed beenie weenie. Yes, this happens and quite early.

The father decides to research a penis transplant while also teaching his son all about BDSM. As he has no penis, the son is bullied until he participates in the gang assault of his father’s mistress. As he has no penis, he is found not guilty; he makes his way to the mistress’s work, where they have a threesome with the leader of the gang of bullies. A knife gets involved, another penis gets sliced, and then a truck runs over the gang leader’s wang. The mistress likes the son better without a penis, so when the father gives him his in the transplant, that falls away, just in time for the mother to come home. She wants a sexual relationship with the father, which is impossible, but the son’s penis has a mind of its own and gets erect around the mother. The father tries to castrate his son, then kills himself and his wife. The son responds by shooting off his member, then becoming a holy man.

The scary part of all of this is that Lee Na-ra replaced another actress who was slapped multiple times by director Kim Ki-duk, as well as being forced to be in the assault scene that was much rougher than she thought it would be. Four years after these charges, Kim Ki-duk was accused of sexual molestation of his students and actor Cho Jae-hyun was also charged with multiple accounts of physical assault, sexual assault and rape alongside the director.

I didn’t learn about the crimes until after I saw this; it now stays with me for much different reasons.

You can watch this on Tubi.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 3: Cult (2013)

October 3: A Found Footage Horror Film Directed by Koji Shiraishi

Directed and written by Kōji Shiraishi, this starts when Tomoe Kaneda (Sayuri Oyamada) and her 15-year-old daughter Miho catch paranormal activity in their new home on camera. A paranormal TV show sends actresses Yu Abiru, Mayuko Iwasa, Natsumi Okamoto, and Mari Iriki — playing themselves — along with Buddhist priest Unsui (Shigehiro Yamaguchi) to investigate.

Yet when Unsui tries to move the spirit from the home, it possesses Miho, who murders her dog. Bringing in his superior, Ryugen (Hajime Inoue), Unsui and the older man are unable to stop the entity and are both killed. Another exorcist, NEO (Ryosuke Miura), learns that Miho is the perfect conduit between a cult and their god, bringing it to this world to take over.

This film is tied to the EisukeNaitō movie The Crone and Norio Tsuruta’s Talk to the Dead.

You can watch it on Tubi.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Computer Chess (2013)

Sept 15-21 Mockumentary Week: “Ladies and gentlemen, by way of introduction, this is a film about trickery – and fraud. About lies. Tell it by the fireside, in a marketplace, or in a movie. Almost any story is almost certainly some kind of lie. But not this time. No, this is a promise. During the next hour, everything you hear from us is really *true* and based on solid facts.”

Directed and written by Andrew Bujalski (Mutual Appreciation), the godfather of mumblecore, this was shot with analog video cameras with an improvisational script. It takes place in 1980, the early days of AI — which gets mentioned — as a bunch of computer guys bring their computers to play chess against one another, while a human potential group attempts to connect with the nerds. And by that, I mean have sex with them.

Yet in spite of this feeling like a fly on the wall and real, it doesn’t feel forced.

Pauline: Peter, did you ever stop and ask yourself how many squares are on a chessboard?

Peter: 64. It’s an 8 by 8 grid.

Pauline: Well… but don’t you see how limited that is?

Peter: No, it’s actually very complex once you start to think about it as a programming problem. Just the number of possible games explodes exponentially with each move; it’s close to 10 to the 120th power. And to try to compute all those games might take even longer than humanity would be around to do so.

Some people want to feel a connection. Others just want to program computers to do it for them.

A quirky, magic little movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: inAPPropriate Comedy (2013)

Sept 8-14 Sketchy Comedy Week: “…plotless satires, many of which were only excuses for drug humor or gratuitous nudity sprinkled with the cheapest of gags. The typical form was a channel-changing structure, which would go from one sketch to the next under the premise that this was just another night at home watching the old boob tube. The medium is the message, baby!”

In 1999, Vince Offer made The Underground Comedy Movie, and wow… that was a tough watch. Somehow, his success as an infomercial salesman led to an even bigger budget and stars for this, a movie that remakes much of that film without improving any of it.

Vince Offer was born Offer Shlomi in Israel and came to the U.S. as a kid. He dropped out of school, moved to Los Angeles and started appearing on public TV and making his first film. During that movie’s filming, he went bankrupt, so he sold it with infomercials on Comedy Central and earnings from swap meet vegetable chopper sales. He took the skills he learned there and became known as the ShamWow guy. He even feuded with Billy Mays, as that salesman claimed that the offer stole the SlapChop and ShamWow from him.

That’s not the only controversy. He sued the Farrelly Brothers, claiming that There’s Something About Mary stole from his first movie; he sued Anna Nicole Smith for backing out of that movie; his former personal assistant, Jennifer Kosinski, sued him for sexual harassment, including his offering her money for her eggs. He also had a sex worker bite his tongue and not let go until he punched her in the face multiple times, which ended with them being arrested. Oh yeah — he’s also an ex-Scientologist.

Offer had used his connections within the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center International, a group within the church for artist networking, to cast his film. The film was so poorly received that Scientology pretty much cut ties with him, saying that he was violating Scientology rules by spending more on his movie than the church. I love this line I found while researching this: “Statements and evidence were collected and the CoS charged Vince with 23 crimes against Scientology, and he was forced to stand trial in Scientology Court.”

Vince didn’t forget this and sued them with the money he made from his first movie. I wish I could say that either movie was good.

That said, back to this movie. Offer touches app buttons — seven of them, fortunately, as twenty are shown — and this opens up sketches.

The height of humor in this is “Flirty Harry,” in which two-time Academy Award winner Adrien Brody acts like, well, a homosexual Dirty Harry, throwing filthy lines at people like “Go ahead, make my gay.” That’s it, that’s the tweet, as the late James Caan would say.

Rob Schneider, not yet a right-wing comedian, is in this as a psychologist and, later, as a reviewer of pornography along with Jonathan Spencer as the constantly jerking off Bob and Michelle Rodriguez as Harriet, somehow trapped in this film. She’s not the only one. Lindsay Lohan, not yet making her comeback, shot a scene for this when it was Underground Comedy 2010. She’s dressed as Marilyn from The Seven Year Itch, which we all understand, but to drive the point home, someone yells, “You look just like Marilyn!” She replies, “Did Marilyn have an ankle monitor?” as the camera pans down to show that yes, she has to wear an alcohol monitoring device on her shapely ankle. Then, lest this be the end of the infamy, the camera descends to the sewers where Theo Von and Offer stare up at her lady parts, which are in panties, but then a pudendum energy form takes over the screen.

There’s a recurring segment called “Blackass” that takes Jackass and has black men take over the roles. That’s it. That’s the joke, again, except it’s also wildly racist. This sense of humor continues into “The Amazing Racist,” which was bought from a web series and has Ari Shaffir — who celebrated the death of L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant by tweeting “Kobe Bryant died 23 years too late today. He got away with rape because all the Hollywood liberals who attack comedy enjoy rooting for the Lakers more than they dislike rape. Big ups to the hero who forgot to gas up his chopper. I hate the Lakers. What a great day.” — goes around and, well, acts racist. Literally, that’s as far as it gets.

This may be the first time I’ve agreed with Common Sense Media, which wrote, “Parents need to know that InAPPropriate Comedy is comedy with humor that’s beyond unfunny; it’s hateful, racist, sexist, and wildly offensive. Language is extremely strong, with frequent use of everything from “f–k” to “p—y,” and sexual innuendo is constant. Sexual situations are also very briefly shown, and in one sequence, characters critique porn movies. Violence is a minor issue; one character is a cop who shoots a few bad guys, with some blood shown. Bottom line? This is one of the worst movies ever made; don’t waste your time or money.” and “No positive role models; the movie is full of racism and discrimination, negative sexual imagery, and homophobia. During the outtakes at the end, even the actors appear to be embarrassed by what they’re doing and saying.”

This may be as bad as it gets, a non-stop deluge of material that wants to be offensive yet doesn’t even get to that level because it’s so inept. When I hate something, you know it’s bad. It ends with Lohan gunning down the paparazzi, and you wish she’d turn the weapon on everyone who was involved with this.

Don’t watch this on Tubi.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: The Rambler (2013)

Aug 25-31 Natasha Lyonne Week: There’s a new season of her weirdo mystery of the week coming out (I can’t remember the name rn, you can look it up), and she’s been steadily delivering chuckles for decades now.

The Rambler (Dermot Mulroney) spent four years in jail. Not long enough for his wife, Cheryl (Natasha Lyonne), to miss him or even enjoy being around him. He heads out down the road to get into an interbarre-knuckle fight and meet a scientist (James Kady) who has two mummies and can blow people’s heads off with a machine. There’s also a waitress (Lindsay Pulsipher) who keeps dying and coming back to life, too.

Directed and written by Calvin Reeder (The Oregonian), this is the kind of movie that people say is like a David Lynch film when it isn’t, because they have no other place to point to when they want it to make sense. So yeah, I guess in that way, it’s like a Lynch movie because it’s strange, but hopefully, Reeder will get to keep making movies like this and finding his way. It’s not for everyone, but it’s for someone, somewhere.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: The World’s End (2013)

Aug 4-10  Stoner Comedy Week: I don’t gas reefer anymore, but I love it when people in movies do!

Gary King (Simon Pegg) is an alcoholic who wants to bring together his boyhood friends one more time to complete The Golden Mile, a pub crawl of all 12 pubs in their hometown of Newton Haven. In 1990, they failed, never reaching The World’s End. He gets estate agent Oliver Chamberlain (Martin Freeman), car salesman Peter Page (Eddie Marsan), architect Steven Prince (Paddy Considine) and lawyer and non-drinker Andrew Knightley (Nick Frost) to do this challenge by claiming that his mother is dying. They’re joined by Oliver’s sister Sam (Rosamund Pike) — who Gary and Steven have been in love with since school — just in time for Gary to knock the head off a teenage drunk and expose it as a robot. Soon, they realize that they’re surrounded by more of these replacement bots called Blanks, who want the entire world to join them. Oliver soon becomes part of them — even Gary’s old drug dealer, Trevor “The Reverend” Green (Michael Smiley), is a Blank — as our heroes continue the bar tour.

After much tragedy and not much triumph, Gary reaches The World’s End. Andy confronts him and reveals his troubled marriage, while Gary admits that he recently tried to end his own life. Andy tries to stop Gary from drawing his final pint, but as Gary pulls the lever, they are lowered into the Blanks’ base, where they are promised eternal life and told that this is the first step in humanity joining the rest of the universe. Sam, Gary, Andy and Steven argue for man to be left alone, leading to Earth being sent back to the dark ages and all power being removed, while the Blanks left behind are ostracized.

Things end better, though. Andy’s marriage gets better. Steven and Sam are in love. The Blank versions of Peter and Oliver are just fine. Gary is sober, drinking with younger Blank recreations of his friends, defending them when the bar won’t serve them beer.

Director and writer Edgar Wright was inspired by his own life, saying that he was tired of “…strange homogeneous branding that becomes like a virus. This doesn’t just extend to pubs, it’s the same with cafés and restaurants. If you live in a small town and you move to London, which I did when I was 20, then when you go back out into the other small towns in England, you go “Oh my God, it’s all the same!” It’s like Bodysnatchers: literally, our towns are being changed to death.”

The final film in the Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy, it may be the one I’ve watched the least, but I liked it the best.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Hollywont (2013)

July 21-27 Eddie Griffin Week: This motherfucker is funny!

Tired of Hollywood’s unrealistic urban films, Davon (director and writer Coke Daniels) brings in a pimp named Tony (Howie Bell) to represent him. He wants to make a movie, Hood Times, but all the rich Hollywood white people have no interest in what he wants to put his energy into.

Davon has a woman who loves him and supports him, but he hates his life. The decision to bring in a pimp to manage him, however, seems to be one not all that well thought out. At least there are some movies within the movie and appearances by Tiny Lister, Jr. and Eddie Griffin. Is Eddie the black Eric Roberts? With all the movies of his that I’ve been watching on Tubi, it seems that way.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: The To Do List (2013)

June 30- July 6 Puke Week!: Throwing up isn’t very funny, but making your internet friends watch a puke movie is!

Brandy Klark (Aubrey Plaza) is the valedictorian of her class but everyone knows she’s a virgin. Someone yells it out during her commencement speech. Her friends Wendy (Sarah Steele) and Fiona (Alia Shawkat) take her to a party where she meets and falls for college boy Rusty Waters (Scott Porter), even though her friend Cameron Mitchell (Johnny Simmons) has been in love with her for years. She almost sleeps with Rusty by accident and he leaves, which she attributes to the fact that she’s a virgin. As she usually makes lists, she makes one of all the sexual things that she wants to do to prepare to give her virginity to Rusty.

Brandy is nothing like her sister Amber (Richard Bilson) or mother Jean (Connie Britton). Instead, she’s continually correcting people on grammar. What follows is — point to the sign — a hijinks ensue movie, one where Brandy awkwardly learns how to have sex, making out with Cameron, Duffy (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and Derrick (Donald Glover), all before she has awkward sex with Rusty which, you guessed it, isn’t that great. And her parents are in the car next door at the very same makeout point.

Director and writer Maggie Carey was married to Bill Hader, who plays the lifeguard manager in this. She’s also directed episodes of Brooklyn Nine-NineA.P. BioBarryThe Last Man on Earth and plenty more. She based a lot of the areas in this movie on her real hometown of Boise, Idaho, including the pool and Big Bun.

I love that Andy Samberg shows up in this as a rock star, plus Adam Pally, Laura Lapkus and Jack McBrayer have fun cameos.

As for the puking, well, it’s bright green alcohol tossed up the next day. My wife and her best friend did that once with one of those alcohols that has glitter in it, Hypnotiq. The toilet bowl was shining.

Anyways, this is way sweeter than you’d expect for a movie that ends with a father walking in on anal sex, the one position that makes his daughter finally orgasm.