Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: If You Don’t Stop It…You’ll Go Blind!!! (1975)

Sept 8-14 Sketchy Comedy Week: “…plotless satires, many of which were only excuses for drug humor or gratuitous nudity sprinkled with the cheapest of gags. The typical form was a channel-changing structure, which would go from one sketch to the next under the premise that this was just another night at home watching the old boob tube. The medium is the message, baby!”

Vincent Canby said it was, “a collection of witless blackout sketches dealing with infidelity, wedding nights, impotence and masturbation, played by a small cast of not very talented actors.”

Gene Siskel called it a “sleazy, unfunny sec comedy” that was so bad that a no refunds sign was posted.

It was a dog of the week five years after it was released because it had staying power.

Yes, it’s If You Don’t Stop It…You’ll Go Blind!!!, which was followed by Can I Do It…’Til I Need Glasses? Directed by Keefe Brasselle, the star of The Eddie Cantor Story, who plays himself in this, and I. Robert Levy, the idea is that there’s the World Society of Sexual Arts and Science, and each year, they give away the World Sex Awards. You know, the Dildies.

Tallie Cochrane was out of town, and when she returned, her husband allowed producer Michael Callie to film in their home. The production crew saw her and asked who she was. She said, “I live here.” When the actress no-showed her nude scene, Tallie ended up being the woman stuck on the toilet seat. She was also in Wam Bam Thank YoU Spaceman.

67 punchlines in 79 minutes, and a few of them hit. This does have Pat McCormick as the master of ceremonies for the awards. Patrick Wright is in this, too. He’s Mr. Peterbuilt in Russ Meyer’s Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens and in Track of the Moon Beast. There’s also George Spencer from Massage Parlor Murders! and Garth Pillsbury from Malibu High and Vixen.

A lot of reviews of this movie say that most of the cast were one-and-done actresses just in it for nudity, but they didn’t look into the depths as deep as I did. Maybe I wasted my time. You tell me.

First off, Uschi Digard is in it as “various big-breasted characters.” She’s in the king of these movies, The Kentucky Fried Movie, as one of the Catholic high school girls in trouble. She’s also one of the most recognizable softcore (and later hardcore) actresses of all time.

There’s also Jane Kellem, who was in The Thing With Two Heads; Herb Graham, one of the white gangsters from The Human Tornado; Alan Sinclair from The Goddaughter and Deep Love; Lew Horn, who was an MC in plenty of things and is a game show host in this one; Russ Marin from The Sword and the Sorcerer; Barry Cooper, who was in Fear No Evil and The Witch Who Came from the Sea; Leon Charles, Boss in The Candy Snatchers; Ina Gold, who had various old lady roles in everything from The Day of the Locust to The Silent Scream; Thelma Pelish, who was also in The Silent Scream; adult actress Maria Arnold, who was in FantasmCountry Hooker and Meatcleaver Massacre; William Hartman, a dialogue coach on Can’t Stop the Music who is also in Steel and St. Helens; Sandy Dempsey, in a ton of adult as Terry Rich, Darlene Saunders, Tiffany Stewart, and Cora Cuze and Jim Drigger, the hanging priest in The Beastmaster.

Then again, this does feature Becky Sharpe, who played adult roles as Joan Brooks, Mona Leasah, Holly Bridges, Dora Douche, and Mona Poll, as well as appeared in Curse of the Headless Horseman as Rebecca Pearlman. Mary Miller, one of the dancers, was in Raw Force and Tiger Commando. And Cathy Hall, one of the girls who sings the song about being a prostitute, was on the season 7, episode 13 Unsolved Mysteries, attending a seance with James Van Praagh.

Who else? Michael Flood, who was in Criminally Insane and .357 Magnum; Nancy Frechtling, who did makeup for both Supervan and The Van; Doug Frey, who was in Five Loose Women and Drop Out Wife; Brenda Fogerty from Fantasm and Trip With the Teacher; Charla Hall, who was in Vice Squad Women and Lemora; Kathy Hilton, who was in Invasion of the Bee Girls and was also Joanne Stevens, Lacy Stewart and Judy Pilot (she was shot by her boyfriend in what was claimed to be a suicide pact which she denied; it caused lifelong seizures that ended her career, but she does show up as Show-Me, the same character name she used in Heads or Tails in the 1986 adult film Honey Buns); Bebe Kelly, the schoolteacher who loves snakes in Fangs; Gary Leibman, a sound guy on The Last House On the Left; Hal Miller, the second actor to play Mr. Gordon on Sesame Street; Gene Stowell from Guess What Happened to Count Dracula? and Rod Hasne, who was The Flash on the Legends of the Super Heroes TV special.

The jokes are rough — sex is a pain in the ass for a gay man -some will absolutely leave you angry if you are too young to remember dirty joke paperbacks. Otherwise, you can watch it as a time capsule of a dirtier yet more innocent time.

You can watch this on Tubi.

USA UP ALL NIGHT: Bug (1975 )

EDITOR’S NOTE: Bug was on USA Up All Night, but I can’t find any info on the date. Do you know?

Directed by Jeannot Szwarc and written by William Castle and Thomas Page, based on Page’s novel The Hephaestus Plague, this is the last film Castle would make.

Bradford Dillman spent so much of the 70s at war with nature. Now he’s Professor James Parmiter, whose wife (Joanna Miles) dies spectacularly when one of these fire farting cockroaches gets into her hair and then her ear. He keeps one of the bugs alive and experiments on it. But before you know it, he can talk to the insects and breeds them with other bugs to make them more intelligent than humans. Why would you do this?

Miles was afraid of cockroaches and told Szwarc that she couldn’t do the scene. Castle told them they were harmless and put one on his arm. It then bit him.

Castle wanted a gimmick. First, he thought of putting brushes — like windshield wipers — near the seats that would rub against the audience’s legs to make them feel like bugs were crawling on them. Theater owners turned him down, so he insured the giant cockroach for $1 million.

This sets more than a woman’s head on fire. It also cooks a cat and starts a fire inside the Brady Bunch house.

Unlike every disaster movie, this starts with an earthquake and gets worse from there. Ken Middleham was the man to go to for directing insects, as he also directed Phase IV — this is like that movie, but almost relentlessly stupid, and I say that with pure love — and The Hellstrom Chronicle.

This starts with trucks and people going up in an inferno and ends with Bradford Dillman, a diving helmet and bugs who spell things. It’s so goofy yet so earnest, a movie unaware of how dumb it gets, and those are the best kinds of movies because they’re not dull – and that’s what I look for.

88 FILMS BLU-RAY RELEASE: Detonation! Violent Riders (1975)

Iwaki (Koichi Iwaki) is a motorbike mechanic who wants to be a racer. He’s tempted by the Red Rose Gang, who are speed junkies destroying everything in their path, as well as the charms of one of their members, Mayumi (Junko Matsudaira),  who doesn’t believe in monogamy, despite being the girlfriend of the gang’s leader, Mitsuda (Yusuke Natsu).

Iwaki is more interested in the more virginal Michiko (Tomoko Ai). That is, he would be, if her overprotective brother Tsugami (Sonny Chiba) weren’t in the way. And oh yeah, Mitsuda doesn’t seem like she’s letting anyone else love Iwaki.

This is the first of four movies in the BAKUHATSU! series. The others are Detonation: Violent GamesSeason of Violence (both of which are also directed by Iwaki), and Detonation: 750cc Zoku, which was produced by Yutaka Kohira. It takes its name from the bosozoku motorcycle gangs, who were inspired to ride by kaminari-zoku (thunder gang), who were disaffected war vets who lived in the streets and emulated American early biker culture, like James Dean movies. I also learned — thanks to Takuma on the Kung Fu Fandom message board — that there was a female Toei biker movie, Hell’s Angels: Crimson Roar.

This film just wants to entertain you, whether that’s with rampant nudity, motorcycle racing, or just the authentic, lived-in look that it establishes.

The 88 Films Blu-ray of this movie has an audio commentary by Ashley Darrow and Jonathan Greenaway of the Horror Vanguard podcast, a video essay by Nathan Stuart, stills and a trailer, plus original and new artwork by Ilan Sheady. You can get this movie from MVD.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Catherine & Co. (1975)

Based on Catherine and Co. by Edouard de Segonzac, this is about Catherine (Jane Birkin) — are you shocked? — who becomes a sex worker and starts her own business. She also sells stock and repurchases her business.

Directed by Michel Boisrond, this was written by Catherine Breillat, whose first novel at 17, l’Homme facile (A Man for the Asking), was banned for French readers under 18. She would go on to make Romance and Anatomy of Hell, both of which feature adult actor Rocco Siffredi. She also acted in Last Tango in Paris.

She isn’t without controversy, as actress Caroline Ducey accused her of allowing actors to go too far with her sexually during Romance (not Siffredi). She has also been outspoken about actress Asia Argento, who had starred in her film The Last Mistress. She didn’t believe that Weinstein was guilty and referred to Argento as being involved in “semi-prostitution.” Argento responded by calling Breillat “the most sadistic and downright evil director she’d ever worked with.”

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Candy Tangerine Man (1975)

Directed and produced by Matt Cimber and written by Mikel Angel under the pseudonym of George Theakos, The Candy Tangerine Man presents the dual lives of businessperson Ron Lewis (John Daniels). By day, he’s a successful executive, a loving husband and a devoted father. By night, he’s the Black Baron, riding down the Sunset Strip in his yellow and red Rolls Royce to collect the money from his sex workers.

He was a GOOD FATHER by day…and a MEAN MUTHA at night!

Unlike every real pimp in the world, he treats his women right. Sure, some of them try to steal money from him and he has to deal with them, as well as organized crime, but he’s selling sex for the betterment of his family. See? He’s an alright guy. Sometimes, you just need to keep the girls in line as well as protect them from some guy going all The New York Ripper on them.

While this is derivative of every other blacksploitation movie, it does get to the hand down the garbage disposal gore scene two years before Rolling Thunder.

Git Back JACK–Give him no JIVE…He is the BAAAD’EST Cat in ’75!

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Boss (1975)

I will not call this by its main title, as I’m a white person and have no right to use it. Instead, I’m going to call it Boss or The Black Bounty Killer. And despite its incendiary title, it is a major movie in black film history, as Dana M. Reemes’ wrote in Directed by Jack Arnold: “Jack Arnold seems to have been artiste exécutant on this picture; content-wise, we must regard Fred Williamson as the film’s auteur. He is like a black Clint Eastwood in a Cottafavi western. William’s bounty hunter turns the tables on the town’s White establishment with an intelligent and biting wit. He is very popular in the nearby Mexican village and is generous to its inhabitants—a kind of cinematic third-world unity. From an ideological standpoint, it is interesting to note that the only White male who turns out to be worth much is the blacksmith, a simple, honest tradesman.”

Boss and Amos (Fred Williamson and D’Urville Martin) stop a stagecoach robbery and save Clara Mae (Carmen Hayworth). They then learn that several of the bodies in the aftermath have rewards for their capture, while one was due to become the sheriff of the town of San Miguel, as recommended by Jed Clayton (William Smith). Does Mayor Griffin (R. G. Armstrong) know that this man was a criminal?

They end up becoming the lawmen of this town and Boss even romances the white Miss Pruit (Barbara Leigh), which starts off on the wrong foot when she has fond memories of the slaves her father once owned. This may not be the best way to handle things. But by the end, Boss and Amos are defending the town from Jed, who has killed Clara Mae and kidnapped the Mexican boy, Poncho, who has become friends with them. Then, the mayor shoots Boss twice, who somehow is able to kill him with a knife. He tells Amos, “Don’t let me die in a white town,” before they leave. Does Boss survive? I’d like to think he does.

Jack Arnold did so much, like The Creature from the Black LagoonThe Incredible Shrinking ManThe Mouse That Roared and The Space Children. He produced this with Williamson, who wrote the script. It’s way better than you’d expect, made at the height of the Black Power movement, yet it makes the hero the outsider who is fighting the sins of white America.

RADIANCE FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: Weak Spot (1975)

Georgis (Ugo Tognazzi) has been taken by secret agents, The Investigator (Michel Piccoli) and The Manager (Mario Adolf), as they believe that he’s part of the underground. Sent to Greece to be interrogated, He remains quiet, as he’s trapped in what most people only see in movies, accused of crimes that he knows nothing about, much less has committed.

Directed by Peter Fleischmann, this feels like a nightmare out of Kafka. This has always been my worry: being trapped far from home, unsure why I’m in trouble, and wondering if I’ll ever get out. It’s tense and well-acted; yet another movie Radiance has brought to my attention that I’d not have watched otherwise.

The Radiance Films Blu-ray release of this film has a new 4K restoration from the original negative by Studio Canal. Extras include an audio commentary by critic Travis Woods, an archival TV interview with Michel Piccoli, a feature with soundtrack expert Lovely Jon discussing the Ennio Morricone score, a reversible sleeve featuring designs based on original posters, and a limited-edition booklet featuring new writing by Kat Ellinger. It’s a limited edition of 3,000 copies, presented in full-height Scanavo packaging with a removable OBI strip, allowing the packaging to remain free of certificates and markings. You can get it from MVD.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Black Gestapo (1975)

Lee Frost was behind some strange films like Race With the Devil, Love Camp 7, Chain Gang Women and The Thing with Two Heads. None of those films will prepare you for this one. After all, how does one prepare for a movie where an army of black men gets inspired by the wrong side of World War II and becomes the new master race?

General Ahmed (Rod Perry of TV’s S.W.A.T.) starts a People’s Army to protect the black people of Watts. Still, after chasing the drug dealers out of town, his second-in-command, Colonel Kojah (Charles Robinson, who played Fabulous from Sugar Hill and would go on to be Mac on TV’s Night Court), takes over, turning the group into a fascist paramilitary outfit that controls every racket in town.

With a concept like that, you’d hope that the film itself would be more out of control. Sadly, it isn’t. That said, Uschi Digard shows up, and really, that’s worth seeing the film in the first place. Comparing the Black Panthers to the Third Reich and castration are things that you don’t see in movies any longer. I’d argue that this is the lone movie that combines both.

You can watch this on Tubi.

88 FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: Lady of the Law (1975)

Leng Rushuang (Shih Szu) is hunting for a criminal, Chief Jiao Tianhao (Lo Lieh), who was once the security for a convoy. Yet the Forest’s Four Evil Spirits gang have kidnapped his son, as well as framed him for rape and murder. Sure, Leng thinks he could be innocent, but she’s also looking to get him back in custody no matter what it takes.

We get promised a flaming dagger technique that I’d love to see more of, but hey — I’m all for the Shaw Brothers movies where a female fighter is the lead. I wish she were in it more, but at the end, she does a high wire fight, and it’s incredible. I wish this had more of that! At least there’s a scene where she fights an entire harem packed with warrior women, so I can’t say that I wasn’t entertained!

Both Stanley Siu Wing and Shen Chiang are credited for this film, which may have been finished as early as 1971 and Shaw Brothers hung on to it for some time.

The 88 Films release of Lady of the Law has a commentary track by David West, a stills gallery and new artwork by Rob Bruno. You can get it from MVD.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Black Force (1975)

Jason (Owen Watson, a two-tour Navy SEAL who was dojo brothers with Ron Van Cleff; his wife Sydney Filson is also in this), Billy (Judie Soriano), Adam (the best-named action hero ever, Warhawk Tanzania, who you may remember from Devil’s Express) and Eric (Professor Malachi Lee, an Isshin Ryu from the dojo of Master Ed McGrath; at 6’7″ he could hit a spinning kick without spinning; sadly he died the year this was made) are Force Four, the other name for this movie, or more to the point four butt kickers who come up against the evil Z (Sam Schwartz), who has stolen a voodoo icon of some sort. Whatever, we’re here for the fights, which have punches and kicks missing by quite a few inches, but again, who cares?

Directed by Michael Fink, who also made another Owen Watson movie, Velvet Smooth, and written by Leonard Michaels, who wrote those two Fink/Wilson movies as well as The Men’s Club, and Janice Weber, this is all about the funk from Life, USA. Which is life, really.

The credits also tell us that all of the kung fu is real: “All martial arts sequences in this film are authentic. No attempt has been made to enhance or alter actual fights by the use of special effects or trick photography. A slow-motion camera was used to capture certain techniques.” This should be no surprise because this looks as clumsy as can be.

The outfits are good, though.

You can watch this on Tubi.