2018 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 10: The Sound of Horror (1964)

Day 10 of the Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge is Unhead Until…It’s too late! Your last second will be your loudest. We’re looking for the quietest non-silent movie or one where the enemy hunts by sound. It seemed like most people would just pick A Quiet Place and since I’ve been using this month to discover new movies, I again reached out to help. Bill from Drive-In Asylum and Groovy Doom was, as always, gracious and full of knowledge. He also knows just how much I love Ingrid Pitt.

In the Greek countryside, archaeologist Dr. Pete Asilov and Professor Andre are trying to find a treasure in an abandoned cave. This uncovers a reptile-like creature that soon vanishes.

Andre’s housekeeper Calliope warns him that there are curses and angry spirits and monsters in the cave, but he doesn’t listen. When the rest of his business partners arrive — bringing Ingrid Pitt in her first screen role — he keeps pushing, despite further warnings, the decayed body of a cavewoman, a set of bones and one of the men being killed by the creature. Soon, they’ll be more worried about staying alive than they are as to whether or not they get the gold.

For a movie that bills itself as an SQ Picture (Shiver and Shake, Quiver and Quake), this is a pretty silent affair. That is, until the girls just randomly decide to dance for the boys. Oh yeah — the professor’s niece Maria is played by Jess Franco’s muse Soledad Miranda, so that makes this movie a million times better than it would be otherwise.

There’s a great near-silent sequence where Calliope is stalked by the reptilian monster (which could also have fit into yesterday’s there). And hey, look at that lobby card! So I guess perhaps there’s a little more going for this film — like the tension when everyone is barricaded in the house and the allusions to the atomic age — than just Ingrid Pitt and Soledad Miranda.

CHRISTMAS CINEMA: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

This is the absolute bottom of the holiday barrel, a trip through hell that one can never prepare themselves for. You think you’ve known pain? You’ve known nothing, to quote Samhain.

On Mars, Momar and Kimar are worried that their children, Girmar (Pia Zadora, who also sang the horrifying song “Hooray for Santa Claus,” but let’s forgive her because she was in The Lonely Lady) and Bomar are watching too much Earth TV. The big thing they’re all excited about is a live interview with Santa. But the kids have some pretty big issues — their education is fed directly into their brains with no individual thought.

The wise ancient Chochem has seen this coming for centuries and says that Mars also needs a Santa Claus. The Martians are all pretty much assholes, so they decide to steal Earth’s Santa instead of creating their own.

Along the way, the Martians kidnap two Earth children along with Santa. Voldar, a Martian hardliner, disagrees with this idea and keeps trying to kill Santa and the kids. Yes, in a holiday movie meant for children, Santa faces death. Sadly, this film is so painful, children very well may cheer for Santa’s doom in the hopes that this movie ends sooner.

Then there’s the wacky Martian named Dropo, who will challenge your will to live. There are all sorts of badly made toys, wacky hijinks and murder plots. The fact that parents would subject their kids to this travesty upsets me to this day.

Dell even had a comic tie-in, so kids could relive the ennui and forced humor of this film again and again.

It gets worse. There was an album version, so kids could listen to the shrill theme song until they puked! I’ll do you a horrible favor and share the song with you right now!

If you can make it through this movie, you get whatever you want for Christmas!

You can watch this for free on Amazon Prime.