In 2009, the G8 Summit came to Pittsburgh, and the ad agency I worked at sent all of us white-water rafting. This is something I never wanted to do, and I don’t want to do it again. Numerous times, I was launched from the boat and at one point, I got stuck in rocks and couldn’t get above the water’s surface, so I just folded my arms on my chest vampire style and made my peace with death. The fact that I am writing this — unless this is an Ambrose Bierce moment — should tell you I survived. 

Anyway, this is a movie about the G8 Summit and a kaiju.

Made from footage from The X from Outer Space, this kicks off with a meteorite smashing its way into Sapporo and the kaiju Guilala being reborn. After decimating the city, Guilala transforms into a giant ball of fire and flies to the G8 Summit, just as the Prime Minister of Japan proposes cancelling the summit for the safety of all involved. Of course, the President of the United States convinces the other world leaders to stay and fight. Turns out it wasn’t a meteor but a Chinese satellite that fell out of orbit, carrying a cosmic spore that was exposed to Earth’s atmosphere, causing it to grow into the monster. I mean, what’s next, a zombie outbreak?

Turns out it wasn’t a meteor but a Chinese satellite that fell out of orbit, carrying a cosmic spore that was exposed to Earth’s atmosphere, causing it to grow into the monster. I mean, what’s next, a zombie outbreak?

The only way to stop this monster? Awakening Take-Majin, its ancient enemy, a kaiju that can catch nukes inside its butthole. I did not make that up. And it has the voice of Beat Takeshi!