Flying into Texas, looking for a movie to watch, I saw this description: “The story of a group of teenagers in small-town Texas who unleash a deadly force after playing the famous game in an abandoned house where a grisly massacre once took place.”

I never played Spin the Bottle as a teenager because I was building the database in my brain that enables me to write for you every day, dear reader, giving you the facts that you didn’t need about nudie cuties and foreign ripoffs. I didn’t have seven minutes in heaven, but I can also tell you about Mamie Van Doren and Mickey Hargitay.

Somehow, this movie was two hours and four minutes, which is about an hour too long.

Cole Randell (Tanner Stine) has just moved to Houston, a place where his mentally ill mother Maura (Ali Larter) lives. Back in 1978, in his family home, there was a massacre, so of course, that’s where he’s going to live. Being a popular high schooler, he’s also going to get another kissing part– not a rainbow party; do you remember when people were worried about that? — going and another demon is going to kill everyone because, yes, that’s what I signed up for while my life was in the hands of the cockpit on this flight.

Cole makes the football team, and despite his mother telling him Don’t Look In the Basement — a much better Texas horror movie — he’s soon down there making kissy faces with Kasey (Kaylee Kaneshiro), Milla (Ryan Whitney) and Sophie (Angela Halili) despite the fact that horrific events once happened there. Maybe he likes having a fear boner?

Justin Long shows up as the sheriff, who is also the father of Kasey and worried about this new boy in town, while Tony Amendola plays the priest, who has ties to the last massacre and exists only to give us exposition.

This feels like the 2000s PG-13 horror cycle, when movies existed for only a week ann disappeared mercifully, forever. Chop it in half, show some of the killings and make it weird, not dull. I realize that’s easy for me to say, not having made it and going through all the work, but I don’t know how anyone would be pleased with what this ended up being.