Gary Dauberman is one of the creatives that came out of the Conjuring series of films, writing Annabelle, Annabelle: Creation, The Nun, The Nun II and directing and writing Annabelle Comes Home. He also wrote the remakes of It, It and It Chapter Two. This led to him directing and writing this film, another Stephen King remake.

Before COVID-19, this was to be released on September 9, 2022. Then, April 21, 2023 came and went, the next release window, and this was replaced by Evil Dead Rise. By October of that year, most people thought this would be another tax write-off for Warner Brothers. Even Stephen King wrote, “Not sure why WB is holding it back; not like it’s embarrassing, or anything. Who knows.” It went to HBO Max — well, are we supposed to just call it Max? — instead of playing theaters.

I was excited about it but also worried. After all, Tobe Hooper’s Salem’s Lot is one of the best horror films not just of the 80s, but all time. It’s near-perfect, a film that doesn’t even seem as long as it is and one that we watch in this house at least twice a year.

It feels unfair to compare this movie to that.

But then again, don’t you have to?

Ben Mears (Lewis Pullman) is an author who has come home to Jerusalem’s Lot, where he grew up, to write a book about his childhood. He quickly meets Susan Norton (Makenzie Leigh) as she works in the real estate office of Larry Crockett — thereby forgetting the entire subplot of Larry sleeping with Bonnie Sawyer or her husband Cully catching them in the act — and takes him to the town’s gathering place, the drive-in.

That drive-in is lame because it’s double feature is The Drowning Pool and Night Moves. I know this is set in 1975. but come on. It could have been showing I Don’t Want to Be Born and House of Exorcism or The Devil’s Rain and The Hatchet Murders.

Yes, this has many of the characters that you remember, like horror fan Mark Petrie (Jordan Preston Carter) and teacher Matthew Burke (Bill Camp). Except that the schoolteacher was never Ben’s mentor and there’s no relationship other than the one that the movie shoves upon us. There’s none of the people in the boarding house or any of the numerous smaller characters that make up the town, which is difficult with a shorter running time, yet this movie feels like it crawls at times and is only interested in vampire violence.

Richard Straker (Pilou Asbæk) has bought the Marsten House for his boss Kurt Barlow (Alexander Ward), but it’s difficult — again — to not miss James Mason. It seems like we never even get to know Straker, as the movie quickly gets to killing off Ralph (Cade Woodward) and Danny Glick (Nicholas Crovetti), as well as gravedigger Mike Ryerson (Spencer Treat Clark).

This feels like its more about assembling a team to battle the undead, with Dr. Cody (Alfre Woodard), Father Callahan (John Benjamin Hickey) and Sheriff Gillespie (William Sadler) discovering the truth about vampires early. Dr. Cody even stops being turned by giving herself a rabies shot. If you’re wondering, did this come from the book? Nope. It’s new and a way of explaining away vampirism through science. And Mark finds out how to defeat vampires from an issue of House of Secrets like he’s the third Frog brother.

It’s also a movie more concerned with the action sequences than the fear of the unknown and the destruction of your small hometown, as well as the memories that are brought back by trying to come home again. Dauberman has said that he wanted to make vampires frightening and not sexy, but Barlow never had a probably being terrifying.

In King’s lifetime, he’s seen two mini-series (Mikael Salomon directed the 2004 TNT mini-series) and an attempt at a spin-off, 1987’s Larry Cohen-directed A Return to Salem’s Lot. I get it, diminishing returns, even if I have a soft spot for Cohen’s film. And maybe I shouldn’t expect all that much from this.

At no point is anything the least bit frightening in this. It doesn’t have enough time. There are so many characters that there’s barely time for anyone to be anything other than a cardboard cutout of an archetype: smart doctor, smart teacher, frightened cop, frightened priest, girlfriend and a smart writer. Straker barely even has any reason to be memorable.

Mark has a poster of Trog on his wall and after that, I kept thinking how much I’d rather be watching that movie.

Maybe this spoiled when it sat on the shelf so long. Or maybe it has nothing new to say other than glowing crucifixes. In truth, this barely even feels like Salem’s Lot and could have changed the character names and give Ben have a different job and it would be no better or worse. It just sits there. It just is.

And for something with this much potential, that’s a shame.