My wife has started doing craft shows selling dog bandanas. Check her work on Instagram. Over the last few months, we’ve been doing a lot of Christmas craft fairs. Other than the demons, I can say from a first-person perspective that Christmas Craft Fair Massacre is the most realistic and truthful movie about craft fairs ever committed to film. Or digital video.

Max Raven and Bando Glutz, well, in the words of Judith Priest, I can neither confirm nor deny that they are also Bret McCormick.

Houston’s Central High School was built on a Native American burial ground — I live next to the second largest one in the eastern part of the country — which means it has lured devil worshippers there, like Principal Mortimer Shade (Tytus Berry), to find the one pure soul — Julie Purebred (Rebecca Bills) — with the help of the mask-wearing Ned (Max Raven). He’s also struggling against the lady who runs the mall, Megara Pendragon (Victoria Chaney), who wants her soul as well.

So yes, this movie may feel like it’s been shot on phones and has long talking sequences that were edited together to make it seem like everyone was in the same room. Who cares? It also has a priest, a shaman, someone who may be the director as well and a nice lady all work together to drop a telekinetic nuke on the craft fair, saving the world and our souls.

I have sat in these fairs and stared at the clock for what seems like days upon days and only ten minutes has moved and maybe I don’t want to be there, but I really love my wife and will do anything for her. But if I could drop a mind bomb on the Monongahela Y before sitting there again for eight hours while someone next to me super hard sells fiberfill pillows and I’ve heard their lines hundreds of times, man, I would drop a bomb that would give Oppenheimer a boner from beyond the grave.

Every review that doesn’t understand this movie was written a person without any holiday spirit.

You can watch this on Tubi.