ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Nate B. is the man who loved Cat Dancing and the boy with green hair. He has seen too many bad movies and not nearly enough good ones. He is the last active member of the Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kids Fanclub, and he is currently working on writing a better bio.

Here we go…a jewel in the crown that is postwar Americana kitsch – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Released in 1964 at the height of the space race, this film captures that time period in all the right ways. Not only were we gonna beat the Russians to Mars, not only would we come into contact with alien life, but we would win them over to our side! Not with guns or diplomacy, but with a jolly fat man in a red suit who epitomizes consumerism and capitalism!  It’s the kind of naive innocence from a bygone era that’s charming in its sincerity, especially because it’s a children’s movie. Unlike countless other children’s movies, this one is watchable for the older crowd, too. For a different reason, of course.

The children of Mars are sad. So a daring group of Martians take it upon themselves to abduct Old Saint Nick and have him start up his toy building and distribution enterprise for them. They pick up two Earth children in the process, and after everyone gets back to Mars they have to contend with a disgruntled jerk Martian who wants to destroy Santa because he believes he’ll make the Martian children soft (of course).

Now, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians may not be quite as technically woeful as Ed Wood films, as the filmmakers had a budget that was higher than $20 (dig that retro-futuristic Martian home!). But it shares the same genuine earnestness to thrill and entertain, which I think is what helped keep it “in circulation” in cult film circles all these years, so to speak. It has a dismally low rating on both IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes, but what do they know? I can’t find it in me to dislike a movie with a line about how the UN plans to save Santa as “the lights burn until dawn.” Not to mention Torg the robot. Or the amazing Polar Bear. Or the stock footage sourced from some Air Force training film. Or the stupidly infectious theme song that opens and closes the movie. Hooray for Santy Claus!

The acting in this movie is surprisingly decent. John Call is as good as you can expect a Santa to be, smoking a pipe (!) and ho-ho-hoing all the way. The guy who plays Kimar is stoic and wooden, which ends up working for an alien character devoid of emotions. Voldar, the anti-Santa Martian mentioned earlier, is great too when he drips with contempt for human concepts like ‘fun’ and’ happiness’, plus he has a terrific mustache. And Droppo, is well, Droppo. Of course, one of the reasons this movie is known is that Pia Zadora is in it.  It was her debut, and for a long while, her swan song until she resurfaced in Butterfly, a movie not as infamous as this one but still reviled in its own right. Oh well, at least she has her cameo in Naked Gun 3 to fall back on. Actually, looking up Pia Zadora on IMDB, apparently she did a movie with Telly Savalas called Fakeout. Now there’s a film that’s going straight to the top of my watch list.

Some people have made it a tradition to watch Die Hard as part of their holiday season. If you’re one of those, why not go old school this year? Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is as low on budget as it is on logic but it’s a great example of why sometimes, despite all reasons not to, a movie just strikes a chord with you through sheer audacity. Plus, it’s in the public domain! There’s a lovely Blu Ray available, but I personally prefer the lower quality prints in this case. Maybe it’s because that’s how I first saw it, and maybe because it adds to the overall vintage vibe and fits the movie’s low budget roots.